code: purgatorio

Download patch

ref: d990c25d5795b16c181e875bf2f55aa06c2f75f9
parent: 70f57939ef437a822bfacde3a6e487633b6ba706
author: henesy <devnull@localhost>
date: Sun Nov 4 06:03:02 EST 2018

init 3

diff: cannot open b/lib/acid//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/acid//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/convcs//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/convcs//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ebook//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ebook//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ebooks/devils//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ebooks/devils//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ebooks/oebtest//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ebooks/oebtest//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ebooks/understandingoeb//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ebooks/understandingoeb//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ebooks//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ebooks//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/games//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/games//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/legal//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/legal//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/lego//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/lego//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/mk//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/mk//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/ndb//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/ndb//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/print//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/print//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/proto//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/proto//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/scores//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/scores//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/sh//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/sh//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/strokes//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/strokes//null' diff: cannot open b/lib/unidata//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib/unidata//null' diff: cannot open b/lib//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib//null' diff: cannot open b/lib9//null: file does not exist: 'b/lib9//null' diff: cannot open b/libbio//null: file does not exist: 'b/libbio//null' diff: cannot open b/libdraw//null: file does not exist: 'b/libdraw//null' diff: cannot open b/libdynld//null: file does not exist: 'b/libdynld//null' diff: cannot open b/libfreetype/NOTICE//null: file does not exist: 'b/libfreetype/NOTICE//null' diff: cannot open b/libfreetype//null: file does not exist: 'b/libfreetype//null' diff: cannot open b/libinterp//null: file does not exist: 'b/libinterp//null' diff: cannot open b/libkern//null: file does not exist: 'b/libkern//null' diff: cannot open b/libkeyring//null: file does not exist: 'b/libkeyring//null' diff: cannot open b/liblogfs//null: file does not exist: 'b/liblogfs//null' diff: cannot open b/libmath/bin//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmath/bin//null' diff: cannot open b/libmath/fdlibm//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmath/fdlibm//null' diff: cannot open b/libmath//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmath//null' diff: cannot open b/libmemdraw//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmemdraw//null' diff: cannot open b/libmemlayer//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmemlayer//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Inferno-386//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Inferno-386//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Inferno-amd64//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Inferno-amd64//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Inferno-mips//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Inferno-mips//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Inferno-power//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Inferno-power//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Plan9-386//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Plan9-386//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Plan9-amd64//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Plan9-amd64//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Plan9-mips//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Plan9-mips//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/Plan9-power//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/Plan9-power//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp/port//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp/port//null' diff: cannot open b/libmp//null: file does not exist: 'b/libmp//null' diff: cannot open b/libnandfs//null: file does not exist: 'b/libnandfs//null' diff: cannot open b/libprefab//null: file does not exist: 'b/libprefab//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec/Inferno-386//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec/Inferno-386//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec/Inferno-mips//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec/Inferno-mips//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec/Plan9-386//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec/Plan9-386//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec/Plan9-mips//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec/Plan9-mips//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec/port//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec/port//null' diff: cannot open b/libsec//null: file does not exist: 'b/libsec//null' diff: cannot open b/libtk//null: file does not exist: 'b/libtk//null'
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/386
@@ -1,0 +1,205 @@
+// 386 support
+
+defn acidinit()			// Called after all the init modules are loaded
+{
+	bpl = {};
+	bpid = -1;
+	bpfmt = 'b';
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+	};
+
+	nopstop = 0;
+	srcfiles = {};			// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};			// the text of the files
+	Labspoff = 4;		// adjustment to Label's sp
+	Labpcoff = 0;		// adjustment to Label's pc
+}
+
+defn linkreg(addr)
+{
+	return 0;
+}
+
+defn stk()				// trace
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, 0, 0);
+}
+
+defn lstk()				// trace with locals
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, 0, 1);
+}
+
+defn kstk()				// kernel stack, PC and SP point to kernel
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, 0, 0);
+}
+
+defn lkstk()				// kernel stack and locals, PC and SP are kernel's
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, 0, 1);
+}
+defn gpr()		// print general(hah hah!) purpose registers
+{
+	print("AX\t", *AX, " BX\t", *BX, " CX\t", *CX, " DX\t", *DX, "\n");
+	print("DI\t", *DI, " SI\t", *SI, " BP\t", *BP, "\n");
+}
+
+defn spr()				// print special processor registers
+{
+	local pc;
+	local cause;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	print("PC\t", pc, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(pc);
+	print("SP\t", *SP, " ECODE ", *ECODE, " EFLAG ", *EFLAGS, "\n");
+	print("CS\t", *CS, " DS\t ", *DS, " SS\t", *SS, "\n");
+	print("GS\t", *GS, " FS\t ", *FS, " ES\t", *ES, "\n");
+	
+	cause = *TRAP;
+	print("TRAP\t", cause, " ", reason(cause), "\n");
+}
+
+defn regs()				// print all registers
+{
+	spr();
+	gpr();
+}
+
+defn step()
+{
+	local ur;
+	local addrs;
+	local id;
+	local l;
+	local b;
+	local bl;
+	local sl;
+	local pc;
+
+	complex Proc proc;
+	ur = proc.dbgreg;
+	if ur == 0 then
+		error("step: process not in breakpoint trap");
+	complex Ureg ur;
+
+	 //
+	 // stop all kprocs that could potentially hit this breakpoint
+	 // make a list of all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	bl = {};
+	sl = {};
+	l = bpl;
+
+	while l do {
+		b = head l;
+		if ((b[2] & *PC) == b[2]) then {
+			if status(b[1]) != "Stopped" then {
+				stop(b[1]);
+				sl = append sl, b[1];
+			}
+			bl = append bl, b;
+		}
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // delete all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	if bl then {
+		l = bl;
+		while l do {
+			b = head l;
+			_bpconddel(b[0]);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // single step to the following address
+	 //
+	addrs = follow(*PC);
+	id = bpset(addrs[0]);
+	startstop(pid);
+	bpdel(id);
+
+	 //
+	 // restore all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	if bl then {
+		l = bl;
+		while l do {
+			b = head l;
+			_bpcondset(b[0], b[1], b[2], b[3]);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // restart all kprocs that could potentially hit this breakpoint
+	 //
+	if sl then {
+		l = sl;
+		while l do {
+			start(head l);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+aggr Ureg
+{
+	'X' 0 di;
+	'X' 4 si;
+	'X' 8 bp;
+	'X' 12 nsp;
+	'X' 16 bx;
+	'X' 20 dx;
+	'X' 24 cx;
+	'X' 28 ax;
+	'X' 32 gs;
+	'X' 36 fs;
+	'X' 40 es;
+	'X' 44 ds;
+	'X' 48 trap;
+	'X' 52 ecode;
+	'X' 56 pc;
+	'X' 60 cs;
+	'X' 64 flags;
+	{
+	'X' 68 usp;
+	'X' 68 sp;
+	};
+	'X' 72 ss;
+};
+
+
+defn
+Ureg(addr) {
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	print("	di	", addr.di, "\n");
+	print("	si	", addr.si, "\n");
+	print("	bp	", addr.bp, "\n");
+	print("	nsp	", addr.nsp, "\n");
+	print("	bx	", addr.bx, "\n");
+	print("	dx	", addr.dx, "\n");
+	print("	cx	", addr.cx, "\n");
+	print("	ax	", addr.ax, "\n");
+	print("	gs	", addr.gs, "\n");
+	print("	fs	", addr.fs, "\n");
+	print("	es	", addr.es, "\n");
+	print("	ds	", addr.ds, "\n");
+	print("	trap	", addr.trap, "\n");
+	print("	ecode	", addr.ecode, "\n");
+	print("	pc	", addr.pc, "\n");
+	print("	cs	", addr.cs, "\n");
+	print("	flags	", addr.flags, "\n");
+	print("	sp	", addr.sp, "\n");
+	print("}\n");
+	print("	ss	", addr.ss, "\n");
+};
+
+print("/sys/lib/acid/386");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/amd64
@@ -1,0 +1,123 @@
+// amd64
+
+defn acidinit()
+{
+	bplist = {};
+	bpfmt = 'b';
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+		"/sys/src/libc/port/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/9sys/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/amd64/"
+	};
+
+	srcfiles = {};		// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};		// the text of the files
+}
+
+defn gpr()
+{
+	print("AX    ", *AX, "\n");
+	print("BX    ", *BX, "\n");
+	print("CX    ", *CX, "\n");
+	print("DX    ", *DX, "\n");
+	print("DI    ", *DI, "\n"); 
+	print("SI    ", *SI, "\n");
+	print("BP    ", *BP, "\n");
+	print("R8    ", *R8, "\n");
+	print("R9    ", *R9, "\n");
+	print("R10   ", *R10, "\n");
+	print("R11   ", *R11, "\n");
+	print("R12   ", *R12, "\n");
+	print("R13   ", *R13, "\n");
+	print("R14   ", *R14, "\n");
+	print("R15   ", *R15, "\n");
+}
+
+defn spr()
+{
+	print("DS  ", *DS, "  ES  ", *ES, "  FS  ", *FS, "  GS  ", *GS, "\n");
+	print("TYPE  ", *TYPE, "\n");
+	print("ERROR ", *ERROR, "\n");
+	print("PC    ", *PC, "\n");
+	print("CS    ", *CS, "\n");
+	print("FLAGS ", *FLAGS, "\n");
+	print("SP    ", *SP, "\n");
+	print("SS    ", *SS, "\n");
+}
+
+defn x87r()
+{
+	print("FCW  ", *FCW, "  FSW  ", *FSW, "  FTW  ", *FTW, "  FOP  ", *FOP, "\n");
+	print("RIP  ", *RIP, "   RDP  ", *RDP, "\n");
+	print("M0   ", *M0, "\n");
+	print("M1   ", *M1, "\n");
+	print("M2   ", *M2, "\n");
+	print("M3   ", *M3, "\n");
+	print("M4   ", *M4, "\n");
+	print("M5   ", *M5, "\n");
+	print("M6   ", *M6, "\n");
+	print("M7   ", *M7, "\n");
+}
+
+defn xmmr()
+{
+	print("MXCSR  ", *MXCSR, "   MXCSRMASK  ", *MXCSRMASK, "\n");
+	print("X0   ", *X0, "\n");
+	print("X1   ", *X1, "\n");
+	print("X2   ", *X2, "\n");
+	print("X3   ", *X3, "\n");
+	print("X4   ", *X4, "\n");
+	print("X5   ", *X5, "\n");
+	print("X6   ", *X6, "\n");
+	print("X7   ", *X7, "\n");
+	print("X8   ", *X8, "\n");
+	print("X9   ", *X9, "\n");
+	print("X10  ", *X10, "\n");
+	print("X11  ", *X11, "\n");
+	print("X12  ", *X12, "\n");
+	print("X13  ", *X13, "\n");
+	print("X14  ", *X14, "\n");
+	print("X15  ", *X15, "\n");
+}
+
+defn fpr()
+{
+	xmmr();
+}
+
+defn regs()
+{
+	gpr();
+	spr();
+}
+
+defn pstop(pid)
+{
+	local l;
+	local pc;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+
+	print(pid,": ", reason(*TRAP), "\t");
+	print(fmt(pc, 'a'), "\t", fmt(pc, 'i'), "\n");
+
+	if notes then {
+		if notes[0] != "sys: breakpoint" then {
+			print("Notes pending:\n");
+			l = notes;
+			while l do {
+				print("\t", head l, "\n");
+				l = tail l;
+			}
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+defn stk()
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, 0, 0);
+}
+
+print("/sys/lib/acid/amd64");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/arm
@@ -1,0 +1,84 @@
+// ARM support
+
+defn acidinit()			// Called after all the init modules are loaded
+{
+	bpl = {};
+	bpid = -1;
+	bpfmt = 'X';
+	nopstop = 0;
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+	};
+
+	srcfiles = {};			// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};			// the text of the files
+}
+
+defn linkreg(addr)
+{
+	return 0;
+}
+
+defn stk()			// trace
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 0);
+}
+
+defn lstk()			// trace with locals
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 1);
+}
+
+defn kstk()
+{
+	local lab;
+	complex Proc proc;
+	lab = proc.sched;
+	complex Label lab;
+	_stk(lab.pc\X, lab.sp\X, linkreg(0), 0);
+}
+
+defn lkstk()
+{
+	local lab;
+	complex Proc proc;
+	lab = proc.sched;
+	complex Label lab;
+	_stk(lab.pc\X, lab.sp\X, linkreg(0), 1);
+}
+
+defn gpr()				// print general purpose registers
+{
+	print("R0\t", *R0, " R1\t", *R1, " R2\t", *R2, " R3\t", *R3, "\n");
+	print("R4\t", *R4, " R5\t", *R5, " R6\t", *R6, " R7\t", *R7, "\n");
+	print("R8\t", *R8, " R9\t", *R9, " R10\t", *R10, " R11\t", *R11, "\n");
+	print("R12\t", *R12, "\n");
+	return 0;
+}
+
+defn spr()				// print special processor registers
+{
+	local pc;
+	local cause;
+	local lr;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	lr = *LINK;
+	print("PC\t", pc, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(pc);
+	print("LINK\t", lr, " ", fmt(lr, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(lr);
+	print("TYPE: ", reason(*TYPE), "\n");
+	print("SP\t", *SP, "\n");
+	
+	return 0;
+}
+
+defn regs()				// print all registers
+{
+	spr();
+	gpr();
+}
+
+print("$ROOT/lib/acid/arm");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/gpa
@@ -1,0 +1,88 @@
+//
+//	generate ``General Purpose Ascii'' file for HP logic analyser
+//
+//	usage: gpa()
+//	note: output has to be postprocessed with "sed 's/0x//g' "...
+//
+
+defn functions(start, end)
+{
+	print("[FUNCTIONS]\n");
+	pc = start;
+	while pc < end do {
+		bnd = fnbound(pc);
+		print(pc\a, "\t", bnd[0], "..", bnd[1]-1, "\n");
+		pc = bnd[1];
+	}
+	print("\n");
+}
+
+defn variables(start, end)
+{
+	print("[VARIABLES]\n");
+	// TODO: how do we get this one?
+	print("\n");
+}
+
+defn sourcelines(start, end)
+{
+	local pc, curfile, curline, newfile, newline;
+
+	print("[SOURCE LINES]\n");
+	pc = txtstart;
+	curfile = "<no-file>";
+	curline = -1;
+	while pc < txtend do {
+		newfile = pcfile(pc);
+		newline = pcline(pc);
+		if newfile != curfile then {
+			if curline != -1 then
+				print("\n");
+			print("File: ", newfile, "\n");
+			curfile = newfile;
+		}
+		if newline != curline then {
+			print(newline, "\t", pc, "\n");
+			curline = newline;
+		}
+		pc++;
+	}
+	print("\n");
+}
+
+defn gpa()
+{
+	local l, ent, txtstart, txtend, datastart, dataend, pc, bnd;
+
+	print("[SECTIONS]\n");
+	l = map();
+	while l do {
+		ent = head l;
+		if ent[0] == "text" || ent[0] == "data" then {
+			if ent[0] == "text" then {
+				txtstart = ent[1];
+				txtend = ent[2];
+			}
+			else {
+				datastart = ent[1];
+				dataend = ent[2];
+			}
+			print(ent[0], "\t", ent[1], "..", ent[2]-1, "\n");
+		}
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+	print("\n");
+
+	functions(txtstart, txtend);
+//	variables(datastart, dataend);
+	sourcelines(datastart, dataend);
+
+	print("[START ADDRESS]\n");
+	print(txtstart, "\n");
+	print("\n");
+}
+
+defn acidinit()
+{
+	gpa();
+}
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/inferno
@@ -1,0 +1,63 @@
+//
+//	experimental acid functions for Inferno (common to native and emu)
+//
+//	problems arise because of unnamed substructures having to be
+//	named in emu, for instance Ref.  We cheat by ``knowing'' that Ref
+//	is first in the structure, to keep this code portable between native
+//	and emu.
+//
+
+//
+// ps() - Process Listing
+//
+complex Ref	pidalloc;
+
+defn
+ps()
+{
+	local i;
+	local n;
+	local done;
+	local p;
+	local curpid;
+
+	i = 0;
+	done = 0;
+	n = pidalloc.ref;
+	curpid = pid;
+	p = procalloc.arena;
+
+	if n > conf.nproc then
+		n = conf.nproc;
+
+	print("PID	PC          PRI     STATE   NAME\n");
+	while n > 0 && i < conf.nproc do {
+		complex Proc p;
+		if p.state != 0 then {
+			print(p.pid, "\t", p.pc\X, "\t", p.pri, "\t", status(p.pid), "\t");
+			mem(p.text, "s");
+			n = n - 1;
+		}
+		i = i + 1;
+		p = p + sizeofProc;
+	}
+}
+
+defn labels()
+{
+	local n;
+	local l;
+	complex Proc proc;
+
+	n = proc.nerrlab;
+	l = proc.errlab;
+	while n > 0 do {
+		complex Label l;
+		print(l.pc\a, " ");
+		pfl(l.pc);
+		l = l + sizeofLabel;
+		n = n - 1;
+	}
+}
+
+print("$ROOT/lib/acid/inferno");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/mips
@@ -1,0 +1,217 @@
+// Mips support
+
+defn acidinit()			// Called after all the init modules are loaded
+{
+	bplist = {};
+	bpfmt = 'X';
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+		"/sys/src/libc/port/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/9sys/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/mips/"
+	};
+
+	srcfiles = {};		// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};		// the text of the files
+}
+
+defn stk()			// trace
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 0);
+}
+
+defn lstk()			// trace with locals
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 1);
+}
+
+defn gpr()			// print general purpose registers
+{
+	print("R1\t", *R1, " R2\t", *R2, " R3\t", *R3, "\n");
+	print("R4\t", *R4, " R5\t", *R5, " R6\t", *R6, "\n");
+	print("R7\t", *R7, " R8\t", *R8, " R9\t", *R9, "\n");
+	print("R10\t", *R10, " R11\t", *R11, " R12\t", *R12, "\n");
+	print("R13\t", *R13, " R14\t", *R14, " R15\t", *R15, "\n");
+	print("R16\t", *R16, " R17\t", *R17, " R18\t", *R18, "\n");
+	print("R19\t", *R19, " R20\t", *R20, " R21\t", *R21, "\n");
+	print("R22\t", *R22, " R23\t", *R23, " R24\t", *R24, "\n");
+	print("R25\t", *R25, " R26\t", *R26, " R27\t", *R27, "\n");
+	print("R28\t", *R28, " R29\t", *SP, " R30\t", *R30, "\n");
+	print("R31\t", *R31, "\n");
+}
+
+defn Fpr()
+{
+	print("F0\t",  *fmt(F0, 'G'),  "\tF2\t",  *fmt(F2, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F4\t",  *fmt(F4, 'G'),  "\tF6\t",  *fmt(F6, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F8\t",  *fmt(F8, 'G'),  "\tF10\t", *fmt(F10, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F12\t", *fmt(F12, 'G'), "\tF14\t", *fmt(F14, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F16\t", *fmt(F16, 'G'), "\tF18\t", *fmt(F18, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F20\t", *fmt(F20, 'G'), "\tF22\t", *fmt(F22, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F24\t", *fmt(F24, 'G'), "\tF26\t", *fmt(F26, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F28\t", *fmt(F28, 'G'), "\tF30\t", *fmt(F30, 'G'), "\n");
+}
+
+defn fpr()
+{
+	print("F0\t",  *fmt(F0, 'g'),  "\tF1\t",  *fmt(F1, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F2\t",  *fmt(F2, 'g'),  "\tF3\t",  *fmt(F3, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F4\t",  *fmt(F4, 'g'),  "\tF5\t",  *fmt(F5, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F6\t",  *fmt(F6, 'g'),  "\tF7\t",  *fmt(F7, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F8\t",  *fmt(F8, 'g'),  "\tF9\t",  *fmt(F9, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F10\t", *fmt(F10, 'g'), "\tF11\t", *fmt(F11, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F12\t", *fmt(F12, 'g'), "\tF13\t", *fmt(F13, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F14\t", *fmt(F14, 'g'), "\tF15\t", *fmt(F15, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F16\t", *fmt(F16, 'g'), "\tF17\t", *fmt(F17, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F18\t", *fmt(F18, 'g'), "\tF19\t", *fmt(F19, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F20\t", *fmt(F20, 'g'), "\tF21\t", *fmt(F21, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F22\t", *fmt(F22, 'g'), "\tF23\t", *fmt(F23, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F24\t", *fmt(F24, 'g'), "\tF25\t", *fmt(F25, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F26\t", *fmt(F26, 'g'), "\tF27\t", *fmt(F27, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F28\t", *fmt(F28, 'g'), "\tF29\t", *fmt(F29, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F30\t", *fmt(F30, 'g'), "\tF31\t", *fmt(F31, 'g'), "\n");
+}
+
+defn spr()				// print special processor registers
+{
+	local pc, link, cause;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	print("PC\t", pc, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(pc);
+
+	link = *R31;
+	print("SP\t", *SP, "\tLINK\t", link, " ", fmt(link, 'a'), " ");
+	pfl(link);
+
+	cause = *CAUSE;
+	print("STATUS\t", *STATUS, "\tCAUSE\t", cause, " ", reason(cause), "\n");
+	print("TLBVIR\t", *TLBVIRT, "\tBADVADR\t", *BADVADDR, "\n");
+
+	print("HI\t", *HI, "\tLO\t", *LO, "\n");
+}
+
+defn regs()				// print all registers
+{
+	spr();
+	gpr();
+}
+
+defn pstop(pid)
+{
+	local l, pc;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+
+	print(pid,": ", reason(*CAUSE), "\t");
+	print(fmt(pc, 'a'), "\t", fmt(pc, 'i'), "\n");
+
+	if notes then {
+		if notes[0] != "sys: breakpoint" then {
+			print("Notes pending:\n");
+			l = notes;
+			while l do {
+				print("\t", head l, "\n");
+				l = tail l;
+			}
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+sizeofUreg = 152;
+aggr Ureg
+{
+	'X' 0 status;
+	'X' 4 pc;
+	{
+	'X' 8 sp;
+	'X' 8 usp;
+	};
+	'X' 12 cause;
+	'X' 16 badvaddr;
+	'X' 20 tlbvirt;
+	'X' 24 hi;
+	'X' 28 lo;
+	'X' 32 r31;
+	'X' 36 r30;
+	'X' 40 r28;
+	'X' 44 r27;
+	'X' 48 r26;
+	'X' 52 r25;
+	'X' 56 r24;
+	'X' 60 r23;
+	'X' 64 r22;
+	'X' 68 r21;
+	'X' 72 r20;
+	'X' 76 r19;
+	'X' 80 r18;
+	'X' 84 r17;
+	'X' 88 r16;
+	'X' 92 r15;
+	'X' 96 r14;
+	'X' 100 r13;
+	'X' 104 r12;
+	'X' 108 r11;
+	'X' 112 r10;
+	'X' 116 r9;
+	'X' 120 r8;
+	'X' 124 r7;
+	'X' 128 r6;
+	'X' 132 r5;
+	'X' 136 r4;
+	'X' 140 r3;
+	'X' 144 r2;
+	'X' 148 r1;
+};
+
+defn
+Ureg(addr) {
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	print("	status	", addr.status, "\n");
+	print("	pc	", addr.pc, "\n");
+	print("	sp	", addr.sp, "\n");
+	print("	cause	", addr.cause, "\n");
+	print("	badvaddr	", addr.badvaddr, "\n");
+	print("	tlbvirt	", addr.tlbvirt, "\n");
+	print("	hi	", addr.hi, "\n");
+	print("	lo	", addr.lo, "\n");
+	print("	r31	", addr.r31, "\n");
+	print("	r30	", addr.r30, "\n");
+	print("	r28	", addr.r28, "\n");
+	print("	r27	", addr.r27, "\n");
+	print("	r26	", addr.r26, "\n");
+	print("	r25	", addr.r25, "\n");
+	print("	r24	", addr.r24, "\n");
+	print("	r23	", addr.r23, "\n");
+	print("	r22	", addr.r22, "\n");
+	print("	r21	", addr.r21, "\n");
+	print("	r20	", addr.r20, "\n");
+	print("	r19	", addr.r19, "\n");
+	print("	r18	", addr.r18, "\n");
+	print("	r17	", addr.r17, "\n");
+	print("	r16	", addr.r16, "\n");
+	print("	r15	", addr.r15, "\n");
+	print("	r14	", addr.r14, "\n");
+	print("	r13	", addr.r13, "\n");
+	print("	r12	", addr.r12, "\n");
+	print("	r11	", addr.r11, "\n");
+	print("	r10	", addr.r10, "\n");
+	print("	r9	", addr.r9, "\n");
+	print("	r8	", addr.r8, "\n");
+	print("	r7	", addr.r7, "\n");
+	print("	r6	", addr.r6, "\n");
+	print("	r5	", addr.r5, "\n");
+	print("	r4	", addr.r4, "\n");
+	print("	r3	", addr.r3, "\n");
+	print("	r2	", addr.r2, "\n");
+	print("	r1	", addr.r1, "\n");
+};
+
+defn linkreg(addr)
+{
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	return addr.r31\X;
+}
+
+print("/sys/lib/acid/mips");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/port
@@ -1,0 +1,547 @@
+// portable acid for all architectures
+
+defn pfl(addr)
+{
+	print(pcfile(addr), ":", pcline(addr), "\n");
+}
+
+defn
+notestk(addr)
+{
+	local pc, sp;
+	complex Ureg addr;
+
+	pc = addr.pc\X;
+	sp = addr.sp\X;
+
+	print("Note pc:", pc, " sp:", sp, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), " ");
+	pfl(pc);
+	_stk(pc, sp, linkreg(addr), 1);
+}
+
+defn labstk(l)				// trace from a label
+{
+	_stk(*(l+4), *l, linkreg(0), 0);
+}
+
+defn params(param)
+{
+	while param do {
+		sym = head param;
+		print(sym[0], "=", sym[1]);
+		param = tail param;
+		if param then
+			print (",");
+	}	
+}
+
+defn locals(l)
+{
+	local sym;
+
+	while l do {
+		sym = head l;
+		print("\t", sym[0], "=", sym[1], "\n");
+		l = tail l;
+	}	
+}
+
+defn _stk(pc, sp, link, dolocals)
+{
+	local stk;
+
+	print("At pc:", pc, ":", fmt(pc, 'a'), " ");
+	pfl(pc);
+
+	stk = strace(pc, sp, link);
+
+	while stk do {
+		frame = head stk;
+		print(fmt(frame[0], 'a'), "(");
+		params(frame[2]);
+		print(") ", pcfile(frame[0]), ":", pcline(frame[0]));
+		print("\n\tcalled from ", fmt(frame[1], 'a'), " ");
+		pfl(frame[1]);
+		stk = tail stk;
+		if dolocals then
+			locals(frame[3]);
+	}
+}
+
+defn findsrc(file)
+{
+	local lst, src;
+
+	if file[0] == '/' then {
+		src = file(file);
+		if src != {} then {
+			srcfiles = append srcfiles, file;
+			srctext = append srctext, src;
+			return src;
+		}
+		return {};
+	}
+
+	lst = srcpath;
+	while head lst do {
+		src = file(head lst+file);
+		if src != {} then {
+			srcfiles = append srcfiles, file;
+			srctext = append srctext, src;
+			return src;
+		}
+		lst = tail lst;
+	}
+}
+
+defn line(addr)
+{
+	local src, file;
+
+	file = pcfile(addr);
+	src = match(file, srcfiles);
+
+	if src >= 0 then
+		src = srctext[src];
+	else
+		src = findsrc(file);
+
+	if src == {} then {
+		print("no source for ", file, "\n");
+		return {};
+	}
+	line = pcline(addr)-1;
+	print(file, ":", src[line], "\n");
+}
+
+defn addsrcdir(dir)
+{
+	dir = dir+"/";
+
+	if match(dir, srcpath) >= 0 then {
+		print("already in srcpath\n");
+		return {};
+	}
+
+	srcpath = {dir}+srcpath;
+}
+
+defn source()
+{
+	local l;
+
+	l = srcpath;
+	while l do {
+		print(head l, "\n");
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+	l = srcfiles;
+
+	while l do {
+		print("\t", head l, "\n");
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+}
+
+defn Bsrc(addr)
+{
+	local lst;
+
+	lst = srcpath;
+	file = pcfile(addr);
+	if file[0] == '/' && access(file) then {
+		rc("B "+itoa(-pcline(addr))+" "+file);
+		return {};
+	}
+	while head lst do {
+		name = head lst+file;
+		if access(name) then {
+			rc("B "+itoa(-pcline(addr))+" "+name);
+			return {};
+		}
+		lst = tail lst;
+	}
+	print("no source for ", file, "\n");
+}
+
+defn src(addr)
+{
+	local src, file, line, cline, text;
+
+	file = pcfile(addr);
+	src = match(file, srcfiles);
+
+	if src >= 0 then
+		src = srctext[src];
+	else
+		src = findsrc(file);
+
+	if src == {} then {
+		print("no source for ", file, "\n");
+		return {};
+	}
+
+	cline = pcline(addr)-1;
+	print(file, ":", cline, "\n");
+	line = cline-5;
+	loop 0,10 do {
+		if line >= 0 then {
+			if line == cline then
+				print(">");
+			else
+				print(" ");
+			text = src[line];
+			if text == {} then
+				return {};
+			print(line, "\t", text, "\n");
+		}
+		line = line+1;
+	}
+}
+
+defn stopped(pid)		// called from acid when a process changes state
+{
+	pstop(pid);		// stub so this is easy to replace
+}
+
+defn procs()			// print status of processes
+{
+	local c, lst, cpid;
+
+	cpid = pid;
+	lst = proclist;
+	while lst do {
+		np = head lst;
+		setproc(np);
+		if np == cpid then
+			c = '>';
+		else
+			c = ' ';
+		print(fmt(c, 'c'), np, ": ", status(np), " at ", fmt(*PC, 'a'), " setproc(", np, ")\n");
+		lst = tail lst;
+	}
+	pid = cpid;
+	if pid != 0 then
+		setproc(pid);
+}
+
+defn asm(addr)
+{
+	local bound;
+
+	bound = fnbound(addr);
+
+	addr = fmt(addr, 'i');
+	loop 1,30 do {
+		print(fmt(addr, 'a'), " ", fmt(addr, 'X'));
+		print("\t", @addr++, "\n");
+		if bound != {} && addr > bound[1] then {
+			lasmaddr = addr;
+			return {};
+		}
+	}
+	lasmaddr = addr;
+}
+
+defn casm()
+{
+	asm(lasmaddr);
+}
+
+defn new()
+{
+	bplist = {};
+	newproc(progargs);
+	// Dont miss the delay slot calls
+	bpset(follow(main)[0]);
+	cont();
+	bpdel(*PC);
+}
+
+defn stmnt()			// step one statement
+{
+	local line;
+
+	line = pcline(*PC);
+	while 1 do {
+		step();
+		if line != pcline(*PC) then {
+			src(*PC);
+			return {};
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+defn func()			// step until we leave the current function
+{
+	local bound, end, start, pc;
+
+	bound = fnbound(*PC);
+	if bound == {} then {
+		print("cannot locate text symbol\n");
+		return {};
+	}
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	start = bound[0];
+	end = bound[1];
+	while pc >= start && pc < end do {
+		step();
+		pc = *PC;
+	}
+}
+
+defn next()
+{
+	local sp, bound;
+
+	sp = *SP;
+	bound = fnbound(*PC);
+	stmnt();
+	pc = *PC;
+	if pc >= bound[0] && pc < bound[1] then
+		return {};
+
+	while (pc < bound[0] || pc > bound[1]) && sp >= *SP do {
+		step();
+		pc = *PC;
+	}
+	src(*PC);
+}
+
+defn dump(addr, n, fmt)
+{
+	loop 0, n do {
+		print(fmt(addr, 'X'), ": ");
+		addr = mem(addr, fmt);
+	}
+}
+
+defn mem(addr, fmt)
+{
+
+	local i, c, n;
+
+	i = 0;
+	while fmt[i] != 0 do {
+		c = fmt[i];
+		n = 0;
+		while '0' <= fmt[i] && fmt[i] <= '9' do {
+			n = 10*n + fmt[i]-'0';
+			i = i+1;
+		}
+		if n <= 0 then n = 1;
+		addr = fmt(addr, fmt[i]);
+		while n > 0 do {
+			print(*addr++, " ");
+			n = n-1;
+		}
+		i = i+1;
+	}
+	print("\n");
+	return addr;
+}
+
+defn symbols(pattern)
+{
+	local l, s;
+
+	l = symbols;
+	while l do {
+		s = head l;
+		if regexp(pattern, s[0]) then
+			print(s[0], "\t", s[1], "\t", s[2], "\n");
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+}
+
+defn spsrch(len)
+{
+	local addr, a, s, e;
+
+	addr = *SP;
+	s = origin & 0x7fffffff;
+	e = etext & 0x7fffffff;
+	loop 1, len do {
+		a = *addr++;
+		c = a & 0x7fffffff;
+		if c > s && c < e then {
+			print("src(", a, ")\n");
+			pfl(a);
+		}			
+	}
+}
+
+defn bppush(val)
+{
+	return {"p", val};
+}
+
+defn bpderef()
+{
+	return {"*", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpmask()
+{
+	return {"&", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpeq()
+{
+	return {"=", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpneq()
+{
+	return {"!", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpand()
+{
+	return {"a", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpor()
+{
+	return {"o", 0};
+}
+
+defn bpcondset(pid, addr, conds)
+{
+	local l;
+	local id;
+	local found;
+
+ 	if status(pid) != "Stopped" then {
+ 		print("Waiting...\n");
+ 		stop(pid);
+ 	}
+
+	id = 0;
+	found = 0;
+
+	while !found && id <= 255 do {
+		l = bpl;
+		while l && head head l != id do {
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+
+		if !l then
+			found = 1;
+		else
+			id = id + 1;
+	}
+
+	if !found then {
+		print("error: no breakpoints available\n");
+		return -1;
+	}
+
+	bpl = append bpl, {id\d, pid\d, addr\X, conds};
+
+	_bpcondset(id, pid, addr, conds);
+
+	return id;
+}
+
+defn bpconddel(id)
+{
+	local i;
+	local l;
+
+	l = bpl;
+	i = 0;
+	while l do {
+		if id == head head l then {
+			bpl = delete bpl, i;
+			_bpconddel(id);
+			if id == bpid then
+				bpid = -1;
+			return {};
+		}
+		i = i + 1;
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+	print("no breakpoint with id ", id\d, ".\n");
+}
+
+defn bpprint(b)
+{
+	local l;
+
+	print(b[0], "\t", b[1], "\t", fmt(b[2], 'a'), " ", b[2]);
+	print("\t{");
+	l = b[3];
+	while l do {
+		print("\n\t\t\t\t\t", head l);
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+	print(" }\n");
+}
+
+defn bptab()
+{
+	local l;
+
+	l = bpl;
+	print("ID	PID	ADDR			CONDITIONS\n");
+	while l do {
+		bpprint(head l);
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+}
+
+defn cont()
+{
+	local b, c, l, found;
+
+	l = bpl;
+	found = 0;
+	c = *PC;
+	while !found && l do {
+		b = head l;
+		if b[2] == c then {
+			nopstop = 1;
+			step();
+			nopstop = 0;
+			found = 1;
+		} else {
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+
+	return startstop(pid);
+}
+
+defn bpset(addr)				// set a breakpoint
+{
+	return bpcondset(pid, addr, {});
+}
+
+defn bpdel(id)
+{
+	bpconddel(id);
+}
+
+defn bpaddr(id)
+{
+	local i;
+	local l;
+	local b;
+
+	l = bpl;
+	i = 0;
+	while l do {
+		b = head l;
+		if id == b[0] then
+			return b[2];
+		i = i + 1;
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+	print("bpaddr(", id\d, "): no match\n");
+	return {};
+}
+
+progargs="";
+print("$ROOT/lib/acid/port");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/power
@@ -1,0 +1,233 @@
+// Power PC support
+
+defn acidinit()			// Called after all the init modules are loaded
+{
+        bpl = {};
+        bpid = -1;
+        bpfmt = 'X';
+        nopstop = 0;
+	bplist = {};
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+		"/sys/src/libc/port/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/9sys/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/power/"
+	};
+
+	srcfiles = {};		// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};		// the text of the files
+}
+
+// defn stk()			// trace
+// {
+// 	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 0);
+// }
+
+// defn lstk()			// trace with locals
+// {
+// 	_stk(*PC, *SP, linkreg(0), 1);
+// }
+
+defn ustk(ur)
+{
+	complex Ureg ur;
+	_stk(ur.pc, ur.sp, 0, 0);
+}
+
+defn lustk(ur)
+{
+	complex Ureg ur;
+	_stk(ur.pc, ur.sp, 0, 1);
+}
+
+defn stk()
+{
+	ustk(0);
+}
+
+defn lstk()
+{
+	lustk(0);
+}
+
+defn kstk()
+{
+	local lab;
+	complex Proc proc;
+	lab = proc.sched;
+	complex Label lab;
+	_stk(lab.pc\X, lab.sp\X, 0, 0);
+}
+
+defn lkstk()
+{
+	local lab;
+	complex Proc proc;
+	lab = proc.sched;
+	complex Label lab;
+	_stk(lab.pc\X, lab.sp\X, 0, 1);
+}
+
+defn gpr()			// print general purpose registers
+{
+	print("SP\t", *SP, " R2\t", *R2, " R3\t", *R3, "\n");
+	print("R4\t", *R4, " R5\t", *R5, " R6\t", *R6, "\n");
+	print("R7\t", *R7, " R8\t", *R8, " R9\t", *R9, "\n");
+	print("R10\t", *R10, " R11\t", *R11, " R12\t", *R12, "\n");
+	print("R13\t", *R13, " R14\t", *R14, " R15\t", *R15, "\n");
+	print("R16\t", *R16, " R17\t", *R17, " R18\t", *R18, "\n");
+	print("R19\t", *R19, " R20\t", *R20, " R21\t", *R21, "\n");
+	print("R22\t", *R22, " R23\t", *R23, " R24\t", *R24, "\n");
+	print("R25\t", *R25, " R26\t", *R26, " R27\t", *R27, "\n");
+	print("R28\t", *R28, " R29\t", *R29, " R30\t", *R30, "\n");
+	print("R31\t", *R31, "\n");
+}
+
+defn Fpr()
+{
+	fpr();
+}
+
+defn fpr()
+{
+	print("F0\t",  *fmt(F0, 'G'),  "\tF1\t",  *fmt(F1, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F2\t",  *fmt(F2, 'G'),  "\tF3\t",  *fmt(F3, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F4\t",  *fmt(F4, 'G'),  "\tF5\t",  *fmt(F5, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F6\t",  *fmt(F6, 'G'),  "\tF7\t",  *fmt(F7, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F8\t",  *fmt(F8, 'G'),  "\tF9\t",  *fmt(F9, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F10\t", *fmt(F10, 'G'), "\tF11\t", *fmt(F11, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F12\t", *fmt(F12, 'G'), "\tF13\t", *fmt(F13, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F14\t", *fmt(F14, 'G'), "\tF15\t", *fmt(F15, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F16\t", *fmt(F16, 'G'), "\tF17\t", *fmt(F17, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F18\t", *fmt(F18, 'G'), "\tF19\t", *fmt(F19, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F20\t", *fmt(F20, 'G'), "\tF21\t", *fmt(F21, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F22\t", *fmt(F22, 'G'), "\tF23\t", *fmt(F23, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F24\t", *fmt(F24, 'G'), "\tF25\t", *fmt(F25, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F26\t", *fmt(F26, 'G'), "\tF27\t", *fmt(F27, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F28\t", *fmt(F28, 'G'), "\tF29\t", *fmt(F29, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F30\t", *fmt(F30, 'G'), "\tF31\t", *fmt(F31, 'G'), "\n");
+}
+
+defn spr()				// print special processor registers
+{
+	local pc, link, cause;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	print("PC\t", pc, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(pc);
+
+	link = *R31;
+	print("SP\t", *SP, "\tLINK\t", link, " ", fmt(link, 'a'), " ");
+	pfl(link);
+
+	cause = *CAUSE;
+	print("SRR1\t", *SRR1, "\tCAUSE\t", cause, " ", reason(cause), "\n");
+	print("LR\t", *LR, "\tCR\t", *CR, "\n");
+
+	print("XER\t", *XER, "\tCTR\t", *CTR, "\n");
+}
+
+defn regs()				// print all registers
+{
+	spr();
+	gpr();
+}
+
+
+defn linkreg(addr)
+{
+	return *LR;
+}
+
+sizeofUreg = 160;
+aggr Ureg
+{
+	'U' 0 cause;
+	'U' 4 status;
+	'U' 8 pc;
+	'U' 12 pad;
+	'U' 16 lr;
+	'U' 20 cr;
+	'U' 24 xer;
+	'U' 28 ctr;
+	'U' 32 r0;
+	'U' 36 sp;
+	'U' 40 r2;
+	'U' 44 r3;
+	'U' 48 r4;
+	'U' 52 r5;
+	'U' 56 r6;
+	'U' 60 r7;
+	'U' 64 r8;
+	'U' 68 r9;
+	'U' 72 r10;
+	'U' 76 r11;
+	'U' 80 r12;
+	'U' 84 r13;
+	'U' 88 r14;
+	'U' 92 r15;
+	'U' 96 r16;
+	'U' 100 r17;
+	'U' 104 r18;
+	'U' 108 r19;
+	'U' 112 r20;
+	'U' 116 r21;
+	'U' 120 r22;
+	'U' 124 r23;
+	'U' 128 r24;
+	'U' 132 r25;
+	'U' 136 r26;
+	'U' 140 r27;
+	'U' 144 r28;
+	'U' 148 r29;
+	'U' 152 r30;
+	'U' 156 r31;
+};
+
+defn
+Ureg(addr) {
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	print("	cause	", addr.cause, "\n");
+	print("	status	", addr.status, "\n");
+	print("	pc	", addr.pc, "\n");
+	print("	pad	", addr.pad, "\n");
+	print("	lr	", addr.lr, "\n");
+	print("	cr	", addr.cr, "\n");
+	print("	xer	", addr.xer, "\n");
+	print("	ctr	", addr.ctr, "\n");
+	print("	r0	", addr.r0, "\n");
+	print("	sp	", addr.sp, "\n");
+	print("	r2	", addr.r2, "\n");
+	print("	r3	", addr.r3, "\n");
+	print("	r4	", addr.r4, "\n");
+	print("	r5	", addr.r5, "\n");
+	print("	r6	", addr.r6, "\n");
+	print("	r7	", addr.r7, "\n");
+	print("	r8	", addr.r8, "\n");
+	print("	r9	", addr.r9, "\n");
+	print("	r10	", addr.r10, "\n");
+	print("	r11	", addr.r11, "\n");
+	print("	r12	", addr.r12, "\n");
+	print("	r13	", addr.r13, "\n");
+	print("	r14	", addr.r14, "\n");
+	print("	r15	", addr.r15, "\n");
+	print("	r16	", addr.r16, "\n");
+	print("	r17	", addr.r17, "\n");
+	print("	r18	", addr.r18, "\n");
+	print("	r19	", addr.r19, "\n");
+	print("	r20	", addr.r20, "\n");
+	print("	r21	", addr.r21, "\n");
+	print("	r22	", addr.r22, "\n");
+	print("	r23	", addr.r23, "\n");
+	print("	r24	", addr.r24, "\n");
+	print("	r25	", addr.r25, "\n");
+	print("	r26	", addr.r26, "\n");
+	print("	r27	", addr.r27, "\n");
+	print("	r28	", addr.r28, "\n");
+	print("	r29	", addr.r29, "\n");
+	print("	r30	", addr.r30, "\n");
+	print("	r31	", addr.r31, "\n");
+};
+
+print("/sys/lib/acid/power");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/rdebug
@@ -1,0 +1,116 @@
+// Acid remote debug (using devdbg.c)
+
+defn step()
+{
+	local ur;
+	local addrs;
+	local id;
+	local l;
+	local b;
+	local bl;
+	local sl;
+
+	complex Proc proc;
+	ur = proc.dbgreg;
+	if ur == 0 then
+		error("step: process not in breakpoint trap");
+	complex Ureg ur;
+
+	 //
+	 // stop all kprocs that could potentially hit this breakpoint
+	 // make a list of all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	bl = {};
+	sl = {};
+	l = bpl;
+	while l do {
+		b = head l;
+		if b[2] == ur.pc then {
+			if status(b[1]) != "Stopped" then {
+				stop(b[1]);
+				sl = append sl, b[1];
+			}
+			bl = append bl, b;
+		}
+		l = tail l;
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // delete all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	if bl then {
+		l = bl;
+		while l do {
+			b = head l;
+			_bpconddel(b[0]);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // single step to the following address
+	 //
+	addrs = follow(ur.pc);
+	id = bpset(addrs[0]);
+	startstop(pid);
+	bpdel(id);
+
+	 //
+	 // restore all the breakpoints at this address
+	 //
+	if bl then {
+		l = bl;
+		while l do {
+			b = head l;
+			_bpcondset(b[0], b[1], b[2], b[3]);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+
+	 //
+	 // restart all kprocs that could potentially hit this breakpoint
+	 //
+	if sl then {
+		l = sl;
+		while l do {
+			start(head l);
+			l = tail l;
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+defn pstop(pid)
+{
+	local l;
+	local pc;
+	local ur;
+
+	if nopstop then
+		return {};
+
+	complex Proc proc;
+	ur = proc.dbgreg;
+	complex Ureg ur;
+	pc = ur.pc;
+
+	if _breakid != -1 then {
+		print("break ", _breakid\d, ": pid ");
+		_breakid = -1;
+	}
+	print(pid,": ", status(pid), "\t");
+
+	print(fmt(pc, 'a'), "\t", fmt(pc, 'i'), "\n");
+
+	if notes then {
+		if notes[0] != "sys: breakpoint" then {
+			print("Notes pending:\n");
+			l = notes;
+			while l do {
+				print("\t", head l, "\n");
+				l = tail l;
+			}
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+print("$ROOT/lib/acid/rdebug");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/acid/sparc
@@ -1,0 +1,218 @@
+// Sparc support
+
+defn acidinit()			// Called after all the init modules are loaded
+{
+	bplist = {};
+	bpfmt = 'X';
+
+	srcpath = {
+		"./",
+		"/sys/src/libc/port/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/9sys/",
+		"/sys/src/libc/sparc/"
+	};
+
+	srcfiles = {};		// list of loaded files
+	srctext = {};		// the text of the files
+}
+
+defn stk()			// trace
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *R1, linkreg(0), 0);
+}
+
+defn lstk()			// trace with locals
+{
+	_stk(*PC, *R1, linkreg(0), 1);
+}
+
+defn gpr()			// print general purpose registers
+{
+	print("R1\t", *R1, "R2\t", *R2, "R3\t", *R3, "\n");
+	print("R4\t", *R4, "R5\t", *R5, "R6\t", *R6, "\n");
+	print("R7\t", *R7, "R8\t", *R8, "R9\t", *R9, "\n");
+	print("R10\t", *R10, "R11\t", *R11, "R12\t", *R12, "\n");
+	print("R13\t", *R13, "R14\t", *R14, "R15\t", *R15, "\n");
+	print("R16\t", *R16, "R17\t", *R17, "R18\t", *R18, "\n");
+	print("R19\t", *R19, "R20\t", *R20, "R21\t", *R21, "\n");
+	print("R22\t", *R22, "R23\t", *R23, "R24\t", *R24, "\n");
+	print("R25\t", *R25, "R26\t", *R26, "R27\t", *R27, "\n");
+	print("R28\t", *R28, "R29\t", *R29, "R30\t", *R30, "\n");
+	print("R31\t", *R31, "\n");
+}
+
+defn spr()				// print special processor registers
+{
+	local pc;
+	local link;
+	local cause;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+	print("PC\t", pc, " ", fmt(pc, 'a'), "  ");
+	pfl(pc);
+	print("PSR\t", *PSR, "\n");
+
+	link = *R15;
+	print("SP\t", *R1, "\tLINK\t\t", link, " ", fmt(link, 'a'));
+	pfl(link);
+
+	cause = *TBR;
+	print("Y\t", *Y, "\tCAUSE\t", *Y, cause, " ", reason(cause), "\n");
+}
+
+defn Fpr()
+{
+	print("F0\t",  *fmt(F0, 'G'),  "\tF2\t",  *fmt(F2, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F4\t",  *fmt(F4, 'G'),  "\tF6\t",  *fmt(F6, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F8\t",  *fmt(F8, 'G'),  "\tF10\t", *fmt(F10, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F12\t", *fmt(F12, 'G'), "\tF14\t", *fmt(F14, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F16\t", *fmt(F16, 'G'), "\tF18\t", *fmt(F18, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F20\t", *fmt(F20, 'G'), "\tF22\t", *fmt(F22, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F24\t", *fmt(F24, 'G'), "\tF26\t", *fmt(F26, 'G'), "\n");
+	print("F28\t", *fmt(F28, 'G'), "\tF30\t", *fmt(F30, 'G'), "\n");
+}
+
+defn fpr()
+{
+	print("F0\t",  *fmt(F0, 'g'),  "\tF1\t",  *fmt(F1, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F2\t",  *fmt(F2, 'g'),  "\tF3\t",  *fmt(F3, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F4\t",  *fmt(F4, 'g'),  "\tF5\t",  *fmt(F5, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F6\t",  *fmt(F6, 'g'),  "\tF7\t",  *fmt(F7, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F8\t",  *fmt(F8, 'g'),  "\tF9\t",  *fmt(F9, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F10\t", *fmt(F10, 'g'), "\tF11\t", *fmt(F11, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F12\t", *fmt(F12, 'g'), "\tF13\t", *fmt(F13, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F14\t", *fmt(F14, 'g'), "\tF15\t", *fmt(F15, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F16\t", *fmt(F16, 'g'), "\tF17\t", *fmt(F17, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F18\t", *fmt(F18, 'g'), "\tF19\t", *fmt(F19, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F20\t", *fmt(F20, 'g'), "\tF21\t", *fmt(F21, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F22\t", *fmt(F22, 'g'), "\tF23\t", *fmt(F23, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F24\t", *fmt(F24, 'g'), "\tF25\t", *fmt(F25, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F26\t", *fmt(F26, 'g'), "\tF27\t", *fmt(F27, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F28\t", *fmt(F28, 'g'), "\tF29\t", *fmt(F29, 'g'), "\n");
+	print("F30\t", *fmt(F30, 'g'), "\tF31\t", *fmt(F31, 'g'), "\n");
+}
+
+defn regs()				// print all registers
+{
+	spr();
+	gpr();
+}
+
+defn pstop(pid)
+{
+	local l;
+	local pc;
+
+	pc = *PC;
+
+	print(pid,": ", reason(*TBR), "\t");
+	print(fmt(pc, 'a'), "\t", fmt(pc, 'i'), "\n");
+
+	if notes then {
+		if notes[0] != "sys: breakpoint" then {
+			print("Notes pending:\n");
+			l = notes;
+			while l do {
+				print("\t", head l, "\n");
+				l = tail l;
+			}
+		}
+	}
+}
+
+aggr Ureg
+{
+	'U' 0 r0;
+	{
+	'U' 4 sp;
+	'U' 4 usp;
+	'U' 4 r1;
+	};
+	'U' 8 r2;
+	'U' 12 r3;
+	'U' 16 r4;
+	'U' 20 r5;
+	'U' 24 r6;
+	'U' 28 r7;
+	'U' 32 r8;
+	'U' 36 r9;
+	'U' 40 r10;
+	'U' 44 r11;
+	'U' 48 r12;
+	'U' 52 r13;
+	'U' 56 r14;
+	'U' 60 r15;
+	'U' 64 r16;
+	'U' 68 r17;
+	'U' 72 r18;
+	'U' 76 r19;
+	'U' 80 r20;
+	'U' 84 r21;
+	'U' 88 r22;
+	'U' 92 r23;
+	'U' 96 r24;
+	'U' 100 r25;
+	'U' 104 r26;
+	'U' 108 r27;
+	'U' 112 r28;
+	'U' 116 r29;
+	'U' 120 r30;
+	'U' 124 r31;
+	'U' 128 y;
+	'U' 132 tbr;
+	'U' 136 psr;
+	'U' 140 npc;
+	'U' 144 pc;
+	'U' 148 pad;
+};
+
+defn
+Ureg(addr) {
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	print("	r0	", addr.r0, "\n");
+	print("	sp	", addr.sp, "\n");
+	print("	r2	", addr.r2, "\n");
+	print("	r3	", addr.r3, "\n");
+	print("	r4	", addr.r4, "\n");
+	print("	r5	", addr.r5, "\n");
+	print("	r6	", addr.r6, "\n");
+	print("	r7	", addr.r7, "\n");
+	print("	r8	", addr.r8, "\n");
+	print("	r9	", addr.r9, "\n");
+	print("	r10	", addr.r10, "\n");
+	print("	r11	", addr.r11, "\n");
+	print("	r12	", addr.r12, "\n");
+	print("	r13	", addr.r13, "\n");
+	print("	r14	", addr.r14, "\n");
+	print("	r15	", addr.r15, "\n");
+	print("	r16	", addr.r16, "\n");
+	print("	r17	", addr.r17, "\n");
+	print("	r18	", addr.r18, "\n");
+	print("	r19	", addr.r19, "\n");
+	print("	r20	", addr.r20, "\n");
+	print("	r21	", addr.r21, "\n");
+	print("	r22	", addr.r22, "\n");
+	print("	r23	", addr.r23, "\n");
+	print("	r24	", addr.r24, "\n");
+	print("	r25	", addr.r25, "\n");
+	print("	r26	", addr.r26, "\n");
+	print("	r27	", addr.r27, "\n");
+	print("	r28	", addr.r28, "\n");
+	print("	r29	", addr.r29, "\n");
+	print("	r30	", addr.r30, "\n");
+	print("	r31	", addr.r31, "\n");
+	print("	y	", addr.y, "\n");
+	print("	tbr	", addr.tbr, "\n");
+	print("	psr	", addr.psr, "\n");
+	print("	npc	", addr.npc, "\n");
+	print("	pc	", addr.pc, "\n");
+	print("	pad	", addr.pad, "\n");
+};
+
+defn linkreg(addr)
+{
+	complex Ureg addr;
+	return addr.r15\X;
+}
+
+print("/sys/lib/acid/sparc");
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/convcs/big5
@@ -1,0 +1,1 @@
+ ,、。.・;:?!︰…‥﹐﹑﹒·﹔﹕﹖﹗︲–︱—︳�︴﹏()︵︶{}︷︸〔〕︹︺【】︻︼《》︽︾〈〉︿﹀「」﹁﹂『』﹃﹄﹙﹚﹛﹜﹝﹞‘’“”〝〞‵′#&*※§〃○●△▲◎☆★◇◆□■▽▼㊣℅‾�_�﹉﹊﹍﹎﹋﹌#&*+-×÷±√<>=≤≥≠∞≒≡﹢﹣﹤﹥﹦∼∩∪⊥∠∟⊿㏒㏑∫∮∵∴♀♂♁☉↑↓←→↖↗↙↘∥∣��/\$¥〒¢£%@℃℉$%@㏕㎜㎝㎞㏎㎡㎎㎏㏄°兙兛兞兝兡兣嗧瓩糎▁▂▃▄▅▆▇█▏▎▍▌▋▊▉┼┴┬┤├▔─│▕┌┐└┘╭╮╰╯═╞╪╡◢◣◥◤╱╲╳0123456789ⅠⅡⅢⅣⅤⅥⅦⅧⅨⅩ〡〢〣〤〥〦〧〨〩�卄�ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩαβγδεζηθικλμνξοπρστυφχψωㄅㄆㄇㄈㄉㄊㄋㄌㄍㄎㄏㄐㄑㄒㄓㄔㄕㄖㄗㄘㄙㄚㄛㄜㄝㄞㄟㄠㄡㄢㄣㄤㄥㄦㄧㄨㄩ˙ˉˊˇˋ���������������������������������������������������������������一乙丁七乃九了二人儿入八几刀刁力匕十卜又三下丈上丫丸凡久么也乞于亡兀刃勺千叉口土士夕大女子孑孓寸小尢尸山川工己已巳巾干廾弋弓才丑丐不中丰丹之尹予云井互五亢仁什仃仆仇仍今介仄元允內六兮公冗凶分切刈勻勾勿化匹午升卅卞厄友及反壬天夫太夭孔少尤尺屯巴幻廿弔引心戈戶手扎支文斗斤方日曰月木欠止歹毋比毛氏水火爪父爻片牙牛犬王丙世丕且丘主乍乏乎以付仔仕他仗代令仙仞充兄冉冊冬凹出凸刊加功包匆北匝仟半卉卡占卯卮去可古右召叮叩叨叼司叵叫另只史叱台句叭叻四囚外央失奴奶孕它尼巨巧左市布平幼弁弘弗必戊打扔扒扑斥旦朮本未末札正母民氐永汁汀氾犯玄玉瓜瓦甘生用甩田由甲申疋白皮皿目矛矢石示禾穴立丞丟乒乓乩亙交亦亥仿伉伙伊伕伍伐休伏仲件任仰仳份企伋光兇兆先全共再冰列刑划刎刖劣匈匡匠印危吉吏同吊吐吁吋各向名合吃后吆吒因回囝圳地在圭圬圯圩夙多夷夸妄奸妃好她如妁字存宇守宅安寺尖屹州帆并年式弛忙忖戎戌戍成扣扛托收早旨旬旭曲曳有朽朴朱朵次此死氖汝汗汙江池汐汕污汛汍汎灰牟牝百竹米糸缶羊羽老考而耒耳聿肉肋肌臣自至臼舌舛舟艮色艾虫血行衣西阡串亨位住佇佗佞伴佛何估佐佑伽伺伸佃佔似但佣作你伯低伶余佝佈佚兌克免兵冶冷別判利刪刨劫助努劬匣即卵吝吭吞吾否呎吧呆呃吳呈呂君吩告吹吻吸吮吵吶吠吼呀吱含吟听囪困囤囫坊坑址坍均坎圾坐坏圻壯夾妝妒妨妞妣妙妖妍妤妓妊妥孝孜孚孛完宋宏尬局屁尿尾岐岑岔岌巫希序庇床廷弄弟彤形彷役忘忌志忍忱快忸忪戒我抄抗抖技扶抉扭把扼找批扳抒扯折扮投抓抑抆改攻攸旱更束李杏材村杜杖杞杉杆杠杓杗步每求汞沙沁沈沉沅沛汪決沐汰沌汨沖沒汽沃汲汾汴沆汶沍沔沘沂灶灼災灸牢牡牠狄狂玖甬甫男甸皂盯矣私秀禿究系罕肖肓肝肘肛肚育良芒芋芍見角言谷豆豕貝赤走足身車辛辰迂迆迅迄巡邑邢邪邦那酉釆里防阮阱阪阬並乖乳事些亞享京佯依侍佳使佬供例來侃佰併侈佩佻侖佾侏侑佺兔兒兕兩具其典冽函刻券刷刺到刮制剁劾劻卒協卓卑卦卷卸卹取叔受味呵咖呸咕咀呻呷咄咒咆呼咐呱呶和咚呢周咋命咎固垃坷坪坩坡坦坤坼夜奉奇奈奄奔妾妻委妹妮姑姆姐姍始姓姊妯妳姒姅孟孤季宗定官宜宙宛尚屈居屆岷岡岸岩岫岱岳帘帚帖帕帛帑幸庚店府底庖延弦弧弩往征彿彼忝忠忽念忿怏怔怯怵怖怪怕怡性怩怫怛或戕房戾所承拉拌拄抿拂抹拒招披拓拔拋拈抨抽押拐拙拇
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/convcs/charsets
@@ -1,0 +1,225 @@
+iso_8859-1:1987=iso-8859-1
+iso-ir-100=iso-8859-1
+iso_8859-1=iso-8859-1
+8859_1=iso-8859-1	# botched alias
+iso8859-1=iso-8859-1		# commonly seen non IANA alias
+iso8859_1=iso-8859-1		# lookup should probably map _ to -
+latin1=iso-8859-1
+iso-latin-1=iso-8859-1
+l1=iso-8859-1
+ibm819=iso-8859-1
+cp819=iso-8859-1
+iso-8859-1=
+	desc=Latin-1
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-1.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-1.cp
+
+iso_8859-2:1987=iso-8859-2
+iso-ir-101=iso-8859-2
+iso_8859-2=iso-8859-2
+latin2=iso-8859-2
+l2=iso-8859-2
+iso-8859-2=
+	desc=Latin-2
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-2.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-2.cp
+
+iso_8859-3:1988=iso-8859-3
+iso-ir-109=iso-8859-3
+iso_8859-3=iso-8859-3
+latin3=iso-8859-3
+l3=iso-8859-3
+iso-8859-3=
+	desc=Latin-3
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-3.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-3.cp
+
+iso_8859-4:1988=iso-8859-4
+iso-ir-110=iso-8859-4
+iso_8859-4=iso-8859-4
+latin4=iso-8859-4
+l4=iso-8859-4
+iso-8859-4=
+	desc=Latin-4
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-4.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-4.cp
+
+iso_8859-5:1988=iso-8859-5
+iso-ir-144=iso-8859-5
+iso_8859-5=iso-8859-5
+cyrillic=iso-8859-5
+iso-8859-5=
+	desc='Part 5 (Cyrillic)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-5.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-5.cp
+
+iso_8859-6:1987=iso-8859-6
+iso-ir-127=iso-8859-6
+iso_8859-6=iso-8859-6
+ecma-114=iso-8859-6
+asmo-708=iso-8859-6
+arabic=iso-8859-6
+iso-8859-6=
+	desc='Part 6 (Arabic)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-6.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-6.cp
+
+iso_8859-7:1987=iso-8859-7
+iso-ir-126=iso-8859-7
+iso_8859-7=iso-8859-7
+elot_928=iso-8859-7
+ecma-118=iso-8859-7
+greek=iso-8859-7
+greek8=iso-8859-7
+iso-8859-7=
+	desc='Part 7 (Greek)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-7.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-7.cp
+
+iso_8859-8:1988=iso-8859-8
+iso-ir-138=iso-8859-8
+iso_8859-8=iso-8859-8
+hebrew=iso-8859-8
+iso-8859-8=
+	desc='Part 8 (Hebrew)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-8.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-8.cp
+
+iso_8859-9:1989=iso-8859-9
+iso-ir-148=iso-8859-9
+iso_8859-9=iso-8859-9
+latin5=iso-8859-9
+l5=iso-8859-9
+iso-8859-9=
+	desc=Latin-5
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-9.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-9.cp
+
+iso-ir-157=iso-8859-10
+l6=iso-8859-10
+iso_8859-10:1992=iso-8859-10
+latin6=iso-8859-10
+iso-8859-10=
+	# originally from dkuug.dk:i18n/charmaps/ISO_8859-10:1993
+	desc=Latin-6
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-10.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-10.cp
+
+l9-iso-8859-15
+latin9=iso-8859-15
+iso-8859-15=
+	desc=Latin-9
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-15.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/iso-8859-15.cp
+
+# Traditional Chinese
+big5=
+	desc='Big 5 (HKU)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/big5_stob.dis
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/big5_btos.dis
+
+# UTF-8
+ascii=utf-8
+us-ascii=utf-8
+utf8=utf-8	# commonly seen non IANA alias
+utf-8=
+	desc='Unicode UTF-8'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/utf8_stob.dis
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/utf8_btos.dis
+
+utf16=utf-16
+utf-16=
+	desc='Unicode UTF-16'
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_btos.dis
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_stob.dis
+
+utf16le=utf-16le
+utf-16le=
+	desc='Unicode UTF-16 little endian'
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_btos.dis arg=le
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_stob.dis arg=le
+
+utf16be=utf-16be
+utf-16be=
+	desc='Unicode UTF-16 big endian'
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_btos.dis arg=be
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/utf16_stob.dis arg=be
+
+# UTF-7
+#utf-7=
+#	desc='Unicode UTF-7'
+#	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/utf7_stob.dis
+#	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/utf7_btos.dis
+
+
+cp437=ibm437
+437=ibm437
+ibm437=
+	# originally from jhelling@cs.ruu.nl (Jeroen Hellingman)
+	desc='IBM PC: CP 437'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm437.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm437.cp
+
+cp850=ibm850
+850=ibm850
+ibm850=
+	# originally from jhelling@cs.ruu.nl (Jeroen Hellingman)
+	desc='IBM PS/2: CP 850'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm850.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm850.cp
+
+cp866=ibm866
+866=ibm866
+ibm866=
+	desc='Russian MS-DOS CP 866'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm866.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/ibm866.cp
+
+windows-1250=
+	desc='MS Windows CP 1250 (Central Europe)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1250.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1250.cp
+
+windows-1251=
+	desc='MS Windows CP 1251 (Cyrillic)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1251.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1251.cp
+
+windows-1252=
+	desc='MS Windows CP 1252 (Latin 1)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1252.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/windows-1252.cp
+
+koi8-r=
+	desc='KOI8-R (RFC1489)'
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_stob.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/koi8-r.cp
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp_btos.dis	arg=/lib/convcs/koi8-r.cp
+
+gb_2312-80=gb2312
+iso-ir-58=gb2312
+chinese=gb2312
+gb2312=
+	desc="Chinese mixed one byte"
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/gb2312_btos.dis
+
+
+x-euc-jp=euc-jp	# often seen non-IANA alias
+euc-jp=
+	desc="Japanese Extended UNIX Code"
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/euc-jp_btos.dis
+
+cp932=windows-31j
+windows-31j=
+	desc="MS-Windows Japanese (cp932)"
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp932_btos.dis	arg=cp932
+
+ms_kanji=shift_jis
+x-sjis=shift_jis		# often seen non-IANA alias
+shift_jis=
+	desc="Shift-JIS Japanese",
+	btos=/dis/lib/convcs/cp932_btos.dis	arg=shiftjis
+
+# special converter for raw 8bit data that has been converted to utf-8
+8bit=
+	desc="raw 8-bit data"
+	stob=/dis/lib/convcs/8bit_stob.dis
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/convcs/cp932
@@ -1,0 +1,1 @@
+ 、。,.・:;?!゛゜´`¨^ ̄_ヽヾゝゞ〃仝々〆〇ー―‐/\~∥|…‥‘’“”()〔〕[]{}〈〉《》「」『』【】+-±×�÷=≠<>≦≧∞∴♂♀°′″℃¥$¢£%#&*@§☆★○●◎◇◆□■△▲▽▼※〒→←↑↓〓�����������∈∋⊆⊇⊂⊃∪∩��������∧∨¬⇒⇔∀∃�����������∠⊥⌒∂∇≡≒≪≫√∽∝∵∫∬�������ʼn♯♭♪†‡¶����◯���������������0123456789�������ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ�������abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz����ぁあぃいぅうぇえぉおかがきぎくぐけげこごさざしじすずせぜそぞただちぢっつづてでとどなにぬねのはばぱひびぴふぶぷへべぺほぼぽまみむめもゃやゅゆょよらりるれろゎわゐゑをん�����������ァアィイゥウェエォオカガキギクグケゲコゴサザシジスズセゼソゾタダチヂッツヅテデトドナニヌネノハバパヒビピフブプヘベペホボポマミ�ムメモャヤュユョヨラリルレロヮワヰヱヲンヴヵヶ��������ΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩ��������αβγδεζηθικλμνξοπρστυφχψω��������������������������������������АБВГДЕЁЖЗИЙКЛМНОПРСТУФХЦЧШЩЪЫЬЭЮЯ���������������абвгдеёжзийклмн�опрстуфхцчшщъыьэюя�������������─│┌┐┘└├┬┤┴┼━┃┏┓┛┗┣┳┫┻╋┠┯┨┷┿┝┰┥┸╂��������������������������������������������������������������①②③④⑤⑥⑦⑧⑨⑩⑪⑫⑬⑭⑮⑯⑰⑱⑲⑳ⅠⅡⅢⅣⅤⅥⅦⅧⅨⅩ�㍉㌔㌢㍍㌘㌧㌃㌶㍑㍗㌍㌦㌣㌫㍊㌻㎜㎝㎞㎎㎏㏄㎡��������㍻�〝〟№㏍℡㊤㊥㊦㊧㊨㈱㈲㈹㍾㍽㍼≒≡∫∮∑√⊥∠∟⊿∵∩∪�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������亜唖娃阿哀愛挨姶逢葵茜穐悪握渥旭葦芦鯵梓圧斡扱宛姐虻飴絢綾鮎或粟袷安庵按暗案闇鞍杏以伊位依偉囲夷委威尉惟意慰易椅為畏異移維緯胃萎衣謂違遺医井亥域育郁磯一壱溢逸稲茨芋鰯允印咽員因姻引飲淫胤蔭院陰隠韻吋右宇烏羽迂雨卯鵜窺丑碓臼渦嘘唄欝蔚鰻姥厩浦瓜閏噂云運雲荏餌叡営嬰影映曳栄永泳洩瑛盈穎頴英衛詠鋭液疫益駅悦謁越閲榎厭円�園堰奄宴延怨掩援沿演炎焔煙燕猿縁艶苑薗遠鉛鴛塩於汚甥凹央奥往応押旺横欧殴王翁襖鴬鴎黄岡沖荻億屋憶臆桶牡乙俺卸恩温穏音下化仮何伽価佳加可嘉夏嫁家寡科暇果架歌河火珂禍禾稼箇花苛茄荷華菓蝦課嘩貨迦過霞蚊俄峨我牙画臥芽蛾賀雅餓駕介会解回塊壊廻快怪悔恢懐戒拐改魁晦械海灰界皆絵芥蟹開階貝凱劾外咳害崖慨概涯碍蓋街該鎧骸浬馨蛙垣柿蛎鈎劃嚇各廓拡撹格核殻獲確穫覚角赫較郭閣隔革学岳楽額顎掛笠樫�橿梶鰍潟割喝恰括活渇滑葛褐轄且鰹叶椛
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/convcs/gb2312
@@ -1,0 +1,1 @@
+����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 、。・ˉˇ¨〃々―〜∥…‘’“”〔〕〈〉《》「」『』〖〗【】±×÷∶∧∨∑∏∪∩∈∷√⊥∥∠⌒⊙∫∮≡≌≈∽∝≠≮≯≤≥∞∵∴♂♀°′″℃$¤¢£‰§№☆★○●◎◇◆□■△▲※→←↑↓〓����������������������⒈⒉⒊⒋⒌⒍⒎⒏⒐⒑⒒⒓⒔⒕⒖⒗⒘⒙⒚⒛⑴⑵⑶⑷⑸⑹⑺⑻⑼⑽⑾⑿⒀⒁⒂⒃⒄⒅⒆⒇①②③④⑤⑥⑦⑧⑨⑩��㈠㈡㈢㈣㈤㈥㈦㈧㈨㈩��ⅠⅡⅢⅣⅤⅥⅦⅧⅨⅩⅪⅫ��������!"#¥%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_`abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz{|} ̄������ぁあぃいぅうぇえぉおかがきぎくぐけげこごさざしじすずせぜそぞただちぢっつづてでとどなにぬねのはばぱひびぴふぶぷへべぺほぼぽまみむめもゃやゅゆょよらりるれろゎわゐゑをん�����������������ァアィイゥウェエォオカガキギクグケゲコゴサザシジスズセゼソゾタダチヂッツヅテデトドナニヌネノハバパヒビピフブプヘベペホボポマミムメモャヤュユョヨラリルレロヮワヰヱヲンヴヵヶ��������������ΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩ��������αβγδεζηθικλμνξοπρστυφχψω��������������������������������������������АБВГДЕЁЖЗИЙКЛМНОПРСТУФХЦЧШЩЪЫЬЭЮЯ���������������абвгдеёжзийклмнопрстуфхцчшщъыьэюя�������������������āáǎàēéěèīíǐìōóǒòūúǔùǖǘǚǜüê����������ㄅㄆㄇㄈㄉㄊㄋㄌㄍㄎㄏㄐㄑㄒㄓㄔㄕㄖㄗㄘㄙㄚㄛㄜㄝㄞㄟㄠㄡㄢㄣㄤㄥㄦㄧㄨㄩ������������������������������─━│┃┄┅┆┇┈┉┊┋┌┍┎┏┐┑┒┓└┕┖┗┘┙┚┛├┝┞┟┠┡┢┣┤┥┦┧┨┩┪┫┬┭┮┯┰┱┲┳┴┵┶┷┸┹┺┻┼┽┾┿╀╁╂╃╄╅╆╇╈╉╊╋��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
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+������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������˘ˇ¸˙˝¯˛˚~΄΅��������¡¦¿��������������������������������������ºª©®™¤№�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ΆΈΉΊΪ�Ό�ΎΫ�Ώ����άέήίϊΐόςύϋΰώ�����������������������������������ЂЃЄЅІЇЈЉЊЋЌЎЏ�����������������������������������ђѓєѕіїјљњћќўџ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ÆĐ�Ħ�IJ�ŁĿ�ŊØŒ�ŦÞ����������������æđðħıijĸłŀʼnŋøœßŧþ����������������������������������������������ÁÀÄÂĂǍĀĄÅÃĆĈČÇĊĎÉÈËÊĚĖĒĘ�ĜĞĢĠĤÍÌÏÎǏİĪĮĨĴĶĹĽĻŃŇŅÑÓÒÖÔǑŐŌÕŔŘŖŚŜŠŞŤŢÚÙÜÛŬǓŰŪŲŮŨǗǛǙǕŴÝŸŶŹŽŻ�������áàäâăǎāąåãćĉčçċďéèëêěėēęǵĝğ�ġĥíìïîǐ�īįĩĵķĺľļńňņñóòöôǒőōõŕřŗśŝšşťţúùüûŭǔűūųůũǘǜǚǖŵýÿŷźžż�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������丂丄丅丌丒丟丣两丨丫丮丯丰丵乀乁乄乇乑乚乜乣乨乩乴乵乹乿亍亖亗亝亯亹仃仐仚仛仠仡仢仨
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+<title>The Devil&rsquo;s Dictionary: A</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1>A</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abasement,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A decent and customary
+mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing
+an employer.</p>
+   
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abatis,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Rubbish in front of a fort,
+to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="abdication"><span class="def">abdication,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An act
+whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Poor Isabella&rsquo;s Dead, whose abdication</p>
+<p class="po">Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.</p>
+<p class="po">For that performance &rsquo;twere unfair to scold her:</p>
+<p class="po">She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.</p>
+<p class="po">To History she&rsquo;ll be no royal riddle&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abdomen,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The temple of the god
+Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a
+stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
+for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world&rsquo;s
+marketing the race would become graminivorous.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ability,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural equipment to accomplish
+some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly
+found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is
+rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.</p>
+            
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abnormal,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not conforming to
+standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to
+be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the
+Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death
+and the hope of Hell.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">aboriginies,</span>  <span class="pos">n.</span> Persons of little worth found             
+cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.</p>
+             
+<p class="entry" id="abracadabra"><span class="def">abracadabra.</span></p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">By <i>Abracadabra</i> we signify<br />
+<span class="ind1">An infinite number of things.</span><br />
+&rsquo;Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?<br />
+And Whence? and Whither?&mdash;a word whereby<br />
+<span class="ind1">The Truth (with the comfort it brings)</span><br />
+Is open to all who grope in night,<br />
+Crying for Wisdom&rsquo;s holy light.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Whether the word is a verb or a noun<br />
+<span class="ind1">Is knowledge beyond my reach.</span><br />
+I only know that &rsquo;tis handed down.<br />
+<span class="ind3">From sage to sage,</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">From age to age&mdash;</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">An immortal part of speech!</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Of an ancient man the tale is told<br />
+That he lived to be ten centuries old,<br />
+<span class="ind1">In a cave on a mountain side.</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">(True, he finally died.)</span><br />
+The fame of his wisdom filled the land,<br />
+For his head was bald, and you&rsquo;ll understand<br />
+<span class="ind1">His beard was long and white</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">And his eyes uncommonly bright.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Philosophers gathered from far and near<br />
+To sit at his feat and hear and hear,<br />
+<span class="ind3">Though he never was heard</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">To utter a word</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">But &ldquo;<i>Abracadabra</i>, abracadab,</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">Abracada, abracad,</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!&rdquo;</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">&rsquo;Twas all he had,</span><br />
+&rsquo;Twas all they wanted to hear, and each<br />
+Made copious notes of the mystical speech,<br />
+<span class="ind3">Which they published next&mdash;</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">A trickle of text</span><br />
+In the meadow of commentary.<br />
+<span class="ind1">Mighty big books were these,</span><br />
+<span class="ind1">In a number, as leaves of trees;</span><br />
+In learning, remarkably&mdash;very!</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem"><span class="ind3">He&rsquo;s dead,</span><br />
+<span class="ind3">As I said,</span><br />
+And the books of the sages have perished,<br />
+But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.<br />
+In <i>Abracadabra</i> it solemnly rings,<br />
+Like an ancient bell that forever swings.<br />
+<span class="poind3">O, I love to hear</span><br />
+<span class="poind3">That word make clear</span><br />
+Humanity&rsquo;s General Sense of Things.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Jamrach Holobom.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abridge,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To shorten.</p>
+                 
+<p class="quote">When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their
+king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the 
+causes which impel them to the separation.&mdash;<i>Oliver Cromwell</i></p>
+                  
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">abrupt,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Sudden, without
+ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most
+affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author&rsquo;s ideas that they were]
+&ldquo;concatenated without abruption.&rdquo;</p>
+                   
+<p class="entry" id="abscond"><span class="def">abscond,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To &ldquo;move
+in a mysterious way,&rdquo; commonly with the property of another.</p>
+ 
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Spring beckons!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;All things to the call respond;<br />
+The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Phela Orm.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+  
+<p class="entry" id="absent"><span class="def">absent,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Peculiarly
+exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration
+and affection of another.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">To men a man is but a mind. Who cares<br />
+What face he carries or what form he wears?<br />
+But woman&rsquo;s body is the woman. O,<br />
+Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,<br />
+But heed the warning words the sage hath said:<br />
+A woman absent is a woman dead.<br />
+</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Jogo Tyree.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">absentee,</span><span class="pos">n.</span> A person
+with an <a href="I.html#income">income</a> who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">absolute,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Independent, irresponsible.
+An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.
+Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the
+sovereign&rsquo;s power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are
+governed by chance.</p>                           
+                           
+<p class="entry" id="abstainer"><span class="def">abstainer,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A weak
+person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a <a href="P.html#pleasure">pleasure</a>. A total abstainer is one who abstains
+from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Said a man to a crapulent youth: &ldquo;I thought<br />
+<span class="ind1">You a total abstainer, my son.&rdquo;</span><br />
+&ldquo;So I am, so I am,&rdquo; said the scrapgrace caught&mdash;<br />
+<span class="ind1">&ldquo;But not, sir, a bigoted one.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">absurdity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A statement or belief
+manifestly inconsistent with one&rsquo;s own opinion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">academe,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ancient school where
+morality and philosophy were taught.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">academy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span>
+(from academe). A modern school where football is taught.</p>
+                          
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">accident,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An inevitable
+occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.</p>
+                         
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">accomplice,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One associated
+with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an <a href="L.html#lawyer">attorney</a> who defends a
+criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney&rsquo;s position in the matter has not hitherto
+commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">accord,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Harmony.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">accordion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instrument
+in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="accountability"><span class="def">accountability,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+mother of caution.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">&ldquo;My accountability, bear in mind,&rdquo;<br />
+<span class="ind1">Said the Grand Vizier: &ldquo;Yes, yes,&rdquo;</span><br />
+Said the Shah: &ldquo;I do&mdash;&rsquo;tis the only kind<br />
+<span class="ind1">Of ability you possess.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p class="citepoet">Joram Tate.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">accuse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To affirm another&rsquo;s guilt
+or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.</p>
+                         
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">acephalous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> In the surprising condition of the
+Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him,
+passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">achievement,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The death of endeavor
+and the birth of disgust.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">acknowledge,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To confess.
+Acknowledgement of one another&rsquo;s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of
+<a href="T.html#truth">truth</a>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">acquaintance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person whom we
+know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when
+its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is <a href="R.html#rich">rich</a> or
+<a href="F.html#famous">famous.</a></p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">actually,</span> <span class="pos">adv.</span> Perhaps; possibly.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">adage,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Boned wisdom for weak teeth.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">adamant,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A mineral frequently found
+beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">adder,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A species of snake. So called
+from its habit of adding <a href="F.html#funeral">funeral</a> outlays to the other expenses of living.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">adherent,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A follower who has not
+yet obtained all that he expects to get.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">administration,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious
+abstraction in <a href="P.html#politics">politics</a>, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to
+the premier or <a href="P.html#president">president</a>. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging
+and dead-catting.</p>
+                         
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">admiral,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That part of a war-ship
+which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">admiration,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Our polite recognition of
+another&rsquo;s resemblance to ourselves.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="admonition"><span class="def">admonition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Gentle
+reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Consigned by way of admonition,<br />
+His soul foever to perdition.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Judibras.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">adore,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To venerate expectantly.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="advice"><span class="def">advice,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The smallest
+current coin.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">&ldquo;The man was in such deep distress,&rdquo;<br />
+Said Tom, &ldquo;that I could do no less<br />
+Than give him good advice.&rdquo; Said Jim:<br />
+&ldquo;If less could have been done for him<br />
+I know you well enough, my son,<br />
+To know that&rsquo;s what you would have done.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">affianced,</span> <span class="pos">pp.</span> Fitted with an
+ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">affliction,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An acclimatizing
+process preparing the <a href="S.html#soul">soul</a> for another and bitter world.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">African,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A nigger that votes our way.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">age,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That period of life in which
+we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the
+enterprise to commit.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">agitator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A statesman who shakes
+the fruit trees of his neighbors&mdash;to dislodge the worms.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="aim"><span class="def">aim,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The task we set our wishes to.</p>                          
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">&ldquo;Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?&rdquo;<br />
+<span class="ind1">She tenderly inquired.</span><br />
+&ldquo;An aim? Well, no, I haven&rsquo;t, wife;<br />
+<span class="ind1">The fact is&mdash;I have fired.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">air,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A nutritious substance supplied by a                         
+bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">alderman,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious criminal
+who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">alien,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An American sovereign
+in his probationary state.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="allah"><span class="def">Allah,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The Mahometan
+Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">Allah&rsquo;s good laws I faithfully have kept,<br />
+And ever for the sins of man have wept;<br />
+<span class="ind1">And sometimes kneeling in the temple I</span><br />
+Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Junker Barlow.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry" id="allegiance"><span class="def">allegiance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> </p>                          
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,<br />
+Is a ring fitted in the subject&rsquo;s nose,<br />
+Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed<br />
+To smell the sweetness of the Lord&rsquo;s anointed.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">alliance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In international politics,
+the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other&rsquo;s pockets that
+they cannot separately plunder a third.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">alligator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The crocodile of
+America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.
+Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they
+appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the
+alligator is called a sawrian.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="alone"><span class="def">alone,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> In bad company.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">In contact, lo! the flint and steel,<br />
+By spark and flame, the thought reveal<br />
+That he the metal, she the stone,<br />
+Had cherished secretly alone.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry" id="altar"><span class="def">altar,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The place whereupon
+the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and
+cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of
+their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">They stood before the altar and supplied<br />
+The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.<br />
+In vain the sacrifice!&mdash;no god will claim<br />
+An offering burnt with an unholy flame.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">M. P. Nopput.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ambidextrous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Able to pick
+with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ambition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An overmastering
+desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">amnesty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The state&rsquo;s
+magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="anoint"><span class="def">anoint,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To grease a
+<a href="K.html#king">king</a> or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,<br />
+So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Judibras.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">antipathy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The sentiment
+inspired by one&rsquo;s friend&rsquo;s friend.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="aphorism"><span class="def">aphorism,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Predigested wisdom.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">The flabby wine-skin of his brain<br />
+Yields to some pathologic strain,<br />
+And voids from its unstored abysm<br />
+The driblet of an aphorism.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">&nbsp;&ldquo;The Mad Philosopher,&rdquo;<span style="font-style: normal"> 1697.</span></p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">apologize,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To lay the foundation for a future
+offence.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">apostate,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A leech who, having
+penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient
+to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="apothecary"><span class="def">apothecary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+physician&rsquo;s accomplice, undertaker&rsquo;s benefactor and grave worm&rsquo;s provider.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,<br />
+And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,<br />
+That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth<br />
+Disease for the apothecary&rsquo;s health,<br />
+Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:<br />
+&ldquo;My deadliest drug shall bear my patron&rsquo;s name!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">appeal,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In <a href="L.html#law">law</a>,
+to put the dice into the box for another throw.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">appetite,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instinct thoughtfully
+implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">applause,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The echo of
+a <a href="P.html#platitude">platitude</a>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">April Fool,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The March
+<a href="F.html#fool">fool</a> with another month added to his folly.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="archbishop"><span class="def">archbishop,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ecclesiastical
+dignitary one point holier than a bishop.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">If I were a jolly archbishop,<br />
+On Fridays I&rsquo;d eat all the fish up&mdash;<br />
+Salmon and flounders and smelts;<br />
+On other days everything else.<br />
+</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Jodo Rem.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">architect,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who drafts a plan
+of your <a href="H.html#house">house</a>, and plans a draft of your money.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ardor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The quality that distinguishes
+love without knowledge.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">arena,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics, an imaginary rat-pit
+in which the statesman wrestles with his record.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">aristocracy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Government by the
+best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats
+and clean shirts&mdash;guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">armor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The kind of clothing worn
+by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">arrayed,</span> <span class="pos">pp.</span> Drawn up and given an
+orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">arrest,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Formally to detain one
+accused of unusualness.</p>
+
+<p class="quote">God made the world in six days and was arrested on the
+seventh.&mdash;<i>The Unauthorized Version</i></p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="arsenic"><span class="def">arsenic,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of
+cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">&ldquo;Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,&rdquo;<br />
+<span class="ind1">Consenting, he did speak up;</span><br />
+&ldquo;&rsquo;Tis better you should eat it, pet,<br />
+<span class="ind1">Than put it in my teacup.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p class="citepoet">Joel Huck.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+                        
+<p class="entry" id="art"><span class="def">art,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> This word has no
+definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">One day a wag&mdash;what would the wretch be at?&mdash;<br />
+Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,<br />
+And said it was a god&rsquo;s name! Straight arose<br />
+Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,<br />
+And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,<br />
+And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)<br />
+To serve his temple and maintain the fires,<br />
+Expound the law, manipulate the wires.<br />
+Amazed, the populace that rites attend,<br />
+Believe whate&rsquo;er they cannot comprehend,<br />
+And, inly edified to learn that two<br />
+Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)<br />
+Have sweeter values and a grace more fit<br />
+Than Nature&rsquo;s hairs that never have been split,<br />
+Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,<br />
+And sell their garments to support the priests.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">artlessness,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A certain engaging
+quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring <a href="M.html#male">male</a>,
+who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.</p>
+                          
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">asperse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Maliciously to ascribe
+to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="ass"><span class="def">ass,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A public singer with
+a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,
+and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, <a href="#art">art</a>
+and <a href="R.html#religion">religion</a> of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human
+imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, <span xml:lang="la"><i>lib. II.,
+De Clem.</i></span>, and C. Stantatus, <span xml:lang="la"><i>De Temperamente</i></span>)
+if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious,
+by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of
+men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the <a href="D.html#dog">dog</a> of the Seven Sleepers the other.
+This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great
+splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It
+may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem">&ldquo;Hail, holy Ass!&rdquo;the quiring angels sing;<br />
+&ldquo;Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!&rdquo;<br />
+Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:<br />
+God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citepoet">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">auctioneer,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The man who proclaims
+with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Australia,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A country lying in the
+South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
+dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">avernus,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The lake by which the
+ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake
+is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the <a href="C.html#christian">Christian</a>
+rite of <a href="B.html#baptism">baptism</a> by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be
+an error.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poem" xml:lang="la"><i>Facilis descensus Averni,</i><br />
+<span class="ind1">The poet remarks; and the sense</span><br />
+Of it is that when down-hill I turn I<br />
+<span class="ind1">Will get more of punches than pence.</span></p>
+<p class="citepoet">Jehal Dai Lupe.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+</body>
+</html>
\ No newline at end of file
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--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/B.html
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&rsquo;s Dictionary: B</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+<h1>B</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Baal,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An old deity formerly
+much worshiped under various names.
+As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to
+be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge;
+as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word
+&ldquo;babble.&rdquo; Under whatever name worshiped,
+Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten
+of the sun&rsquo;s rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still
+worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant
+sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">babe</span> or <span class="def">baby,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or
+condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and
+antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There
+have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the
+bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived
+their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="poind3">Ere babes were invented</p>
+<p class="poind3">The girls were contended.</p>
+<p class="poind3">Now man is tormented</p>
+<p class="po">Until to buy babes he has squandered</p>
+<p class="po">His money. And so I have pondered</p>
+<p class="poind3">This thing, and thought may be</p>
+<p class="poind3">&rsquo;T were better that Baby</p>
+<p class="po">The First had been eagled or condored.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Ro Amil.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Bacchus,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A convenient
+deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Is public worship, then, a sin,</p>
+<p class="poind2">That for devotions paid to Bacchus</p>
+<p class="po">The lictors dare to run us in,</p>
+<p class="poind2">And resolutely thump and whack us?</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jorace.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">back,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That part of your
+friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">backbite,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To speak of a man as
+you find him when he can&rsquo;t find you.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bait,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A preparation
+that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.</p>
+
+<p id="baptism" class="entry"><span class="def">baptism,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A sacred rite of
+such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.
+It is performed with water in two ways by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">But whether the plan of immersion</p>
+<p class="po">Is better than simple aspersion</p>
+<p class="poind1">Let those immersed</p>
+<p class="poind1">And those aspersed</p>
+<p class="po">Decide by the Authorized Version,</p>
+<p class="po">And by matching their agues tertian.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">barometer,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious
+instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">barrack,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A house in which
+soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">basilisk,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The cockatrice.
+A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was
+fatal. Many infidels deny this creature&rsquo;s existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one
+that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on
+a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile&rsquo;s
+sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as
+the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bastinado,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of walking
+on wood without exertion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bath,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of mystic ceremony
+substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">The man who taketh a steam bath</p>
+<p class="po">He loseth all the skin he hath,</p>
+<p class="po">And, for he&rsquo;s boiled a brilliant red,</p>
+<p class="po">Thinketh to cleanliness he&rsquo;s wed,</p>
+<p class="po">Forgetting that his lungs he&rsquo;s soiling</p>
+<p class="po">With dirty vapors of the boiling.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Richard Gwow.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">battle,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A method of untying
+with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">beard,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The hair that is commonly
+cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">beauty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The power by which a woman
+charms a lover and terrifies a husband.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">befriend,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To make an ingrate.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="beg"><span class="def">beg,</span> <span class="pos">v.</span> To ask for something with
+an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Who is that, father?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">A mendicant, child,</p>
+<p class="po">Haggard, morose, and unaffable&mdash;wild!</p>
+<p class="po">See how he glares through the bars of his cell!</p>
+<p class="po">With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Why did they put him there, father?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">Because</p>
+<p class="po">Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">His belly?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">Oh, well, he was starving, my boy&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">A state in which, doubtless, there&rsquo;s little of joy.</p>
+<p class="po">No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry</p>
+<p class="po">Was &ldquo;Bread!&rdquo; ever &ldquo;Bread!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">What&rsquo;s the matter with pie?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;</p>
+<p class="po">To beg was unlawful&mdash;improper as well.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Why didn&rsquo;t he work?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">He would even have done that,</p>
+<p class="po">But men said: &ldquo;Get out!&rdquo; and the State remarked:</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Scat!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="po">I mention these incidents merely to show</p>
+<p class="po">That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.</p>
+<p class="po">Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,</p>
+<p class="po">But for trifles&mdash;</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">Pray what did bad Mendicant do?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack</p>
+<p class="po">And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Is that <i>all</i> father dear?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">There&rsquo;s little to tell:</p>
+<p class="po">They sent him to jail, and they&rsquo;ll send him to&mdash;well,</p>
+<p class="po">The company&rsquo;s better than here we can boast,</p>
+<p class="po">And there&rsquo;s&mdash;</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: center">Bread for the needy, dear father?</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po" style="text-align: right">Um&mdash;toast.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Atka Mip.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">beggar,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who has relied
+on the assistance of his friends.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">behavior,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Conduct, as determined,
+not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom&rsquo;s
+translation of the following lines from the <i>Dies Ir&aelig;</i>:</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<div xml:lang="la">
+<p class="poind2">Recordare, Jesu pie,</p>
+<p class="poind2">Quod sum causa tuae vi&aelig;.</p>
+<p class="poind2">Ne me perdas illa die.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Pray remember, sacred Savior,</p>
+<p class="po">Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your</p>
+<p class="po">Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Belladonna,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In Italian a beautiful
+lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Benedictines,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An order of monks
+otherwise known as black friars.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be</p>
+<p class="poind1">A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s one of an order of cooks,&rdquo; said she&mdash;</p>
+<p class="poind1">&ldquo;Black friars in this world, fried black in the next.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">&ldquo;The Devil on Earth&rdquo; <span style="font-style: normal">(<i>London</i>, 1712.)</span></p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">benefactor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who makes
+heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within
+the means of all.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Berenice&rsquo;s Hair,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A constellation
+(<span xml:lang="la"><i>Coma Berenices</i></span>) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to
+save her husband.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">Her locks an ancient lady gave</p>
+<p class="po">Her loving husband&rsquo;s life to save;</p>
+<p class="po">And men&mdash;they honored so the dame&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">Upon some stars bestowed her name.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">But to our modern married fair,</p>
+<p class="po">Who&rsquo;d give their lords to save their hair,</p>
+<p class="po">No stellar recognition&rsquo;s given.</p>
+<p class="po">There are not stars enough in heaven.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bigamy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A mistake in taste
+for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bigot,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who is obstinately
+and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">billingsgate,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The invective of
+an opponent.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">birth,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The first and direst of
+all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born
+from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in
+the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It
+is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon
+was the son of a cavern in Mount &AElig;tna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">blackguard,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A man whose qualities,
+prepared for display like a box of berries in a market&mdash;the fine ones on top&mdash;have been opened on the wrong
+side. An inverted gentleman.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">blank-verse,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Unrhymed iambic
+pentameters&mdash;the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected
+by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">body-snatcher,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A robber of grave-worms.
+One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.
+The hyena.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">&ldquo;One night,&rdquo; a doctor said, &ldquo;last fall,</p>
+<p class="po">I and my comrades, four in all,</p>
+<p class="poind1">When visiting a graveyard stood</p>
+<p class="po">Within the shadow of a wall.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">&ldquo;While waiting for the moon to sink</p>
+<p class="po">We saw a wild hyena slink</p>
+<p class="poind1">About a new-made grave, and then</p>
+<p class="po">Begin to excavate its brink!</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Shocked by the horrid act, we made</p>
+<p class="po">A sally from our ambuscade,</p>
+<p class="poind1">And, falling on the unholy beast,</p>
+<p class="po">Dispatched him with a pick and spade.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Bettel K. Jhones.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bondsman,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A fool who, having
+property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute
+nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. &ldquo;I need no
+bondsmen,&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;for I can give you my word of honor.&rdquo; &ldquo;And
+pray what may be the value of that?&rdquo; inquired the amused Regent. &ldquo;Monsieur, it
+is worth its weight in gold.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bore,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person who talks
+when you wish him to listen.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">botany,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The science of      
+vegetables&mdash;those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with
+their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bottle-nosed,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having a
+nose created in the image of its maker.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">boundary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In political
+geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from
+the imaginary rights of the other.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bounty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The liberality
+of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.</p>
+
+<p class="quote">A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The
+supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator&rsquo;s bounty in providing
+for the lives of His creatures.&mdash;<i>Henry Ward Beecher</i></p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">brahma,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> He who created
+the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva&mdash;a rather neater division of labor
+than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created
+by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese,
+are holy and learned men who are never naughty.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="po">O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,</p>
+<p class="po">First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,</p>
+<p class="po">You sit there so calm and securely,</p>
+<p class="po">With feet folded up so demurely&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">You&rsquo;re the First Person Singular, surely.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Polydore Smith.</p>
+</div>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">brain,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An apparatus with which
+we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to <i>be</i> something from
+the man who wishes to <i>do</i> something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked
+into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is
+rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">brandy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A cordial composed of
+one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave
+and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of
+heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">bride,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A woman with a fine prospect
+of happiness behind her.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">brute,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> See
+<a href="H.html#husband"><span class="def">husband</span></a>.</p>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+ "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&rsquo;s Dictionary: C</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1>C</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Caaba,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A large stone
+presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The
+patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cabbage,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A familiar
+kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man&rsquo;s head.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending
+the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his
+predecessor&rsquo;s Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty&rsquo;s measures
+of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members
+of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">calamity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A more than commonly
+plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are
+of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">callous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Gifted with great
+fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to
+be deeply moved. &ldquo;What!&rdquo; said one of his disciples, &ldquo;you weep at the death of an
+enemy?&rdquo; &ldquo;Ah, &rsquo;tis true,&rdquo;
+replied the great Stoic; &ldquo;but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">calumnus,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A graduate of the School
+for Scandal.</p>
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">camel,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A quadruped (the <i>Splaypes
+humpidorsus</i>) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels&mdash;the camel proper and
+the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cannibal,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A gastronome of the old
+school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cannon,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instrument employed
+in the rectification of national boundaries.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">canonicals,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The motley worm by
+Jesters of the Court of Heaven.</p>
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">capital,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The seat of misgovernment.
+That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the
+part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. <i>Capital Punishment</i>, a penalty
+regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons&mdash;including all the assassins&mdash;entertain
+grave misgivings.</p>
+
+<p class="entry" id="carmelite"><span class="def">carmelite,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A mendicant friar of
+the order of Mount Carmel.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">As Death was a-rising out one day,</p>
+<p class="po">Across Mount Camel he took his way,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Where he met a mendicant monk,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Some three or four quarters drunk,</p>
+<p class="po">With a holy leer and a pious grin,</p>
+<p class="po">Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Who held out his hands and cried:</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Give, give in Charity&rsquo;s name, I pray.</p>
+<p class="po">Give in the name of the Church. O give,</p>
+<p class="po">Give that her holy sons may live!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="poind1">And Death replied,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Smiling long and wide:</p>
+<p class="poind1">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give, holy father, I&rsquo;ll give thee&mdash;a ride.&rdquo;</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="poind1">With a rattle and bang</p>
+<p class="poind1">Of his bones, he sprang</p>
+<p class="po">From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;</p>
+<p class="poind1">By the neck and the foot</p>
+<p class="poind1">Seized the fellow, and put</p>
+<p class="po">Him astride with his face to the rear.</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell</p>
+<p class="po">Like clods on the coffin&rsquo;s sounding shell:</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Will ride to the devil!&rdquo;&mdash;and thump</p>
+<p class="poind1">Fell the flat of his dart on the rump</p>
+<p class="po">Of the charger, which galloped away.</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">Faster and faster and faster it flew,</p>
+<p class="po">Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew</p>
+<p class="po">By the road were dim and blended and blue</p>
+<p class="poind1">To the wild, wild eyes</p>
+<p class="poind1">Of the rider&mdash;in size</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="poind1">Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.</p>
+<p class="po">Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh</p>
+<p class="poind1">At a burial service spoiled,</p>
+<p class="poind1">And the mourners&rsquo; intentions foiled</p>
+<p class="poind1">By the body erecting</p>
+<p class="poind1">Its head and objecting</p>
+<p class="po">To further proceedings in its behalf.</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="poind1">Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.</p>
+<p class="po">Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh</p>
+<p class="poind1">At a burial service spoiled,</p>
+<p class="poind1">And the mourners&rsquo; intentions foiled</p>
+<p class="poind1">By the body erecting</p>
+<p class="poind1">Its head and objecting</p>
+<p class="po">To further proceedings in its behalf.</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">Many a year and many a day</p>
+<p class="po">Have passed since these events away.</p>
+<p class="po">The monk has long been a dusty corse,</p>
+<p class="po">And Death has never recovered his horse.</p>
+<p class="poind1">For the friar got hold of its tail,</p>
+<p class="poind1">And steered it within the pale</p>
+<p class="po">Of the monastery gray,</p>
+<p class="po">Where the beast was stabled and fed</p>
+<p class="po">With barley and oil and bread</p>
+<p class="po">Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,</p>
+<p class="po">And so in due course was appointed Prior.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">carnivorous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Addicted to the
+cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cartesian,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Relating to Descartes,
+a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, <span xml:lang="la"><i>Cogito ergo sum</i></span>&mdash;whereby
+he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved,
+however, thus: <i>Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum</i>&mdash;&ldquo;I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;&rdquo; as
+close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.</p>
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cat,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A soft, indestructible automaton
+provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">This is a dog,</p>
+<p class="poind1">This is a cat.</p>
+<p class="po">This is a frog,</p>
+<p class="poind1">This is a rat.</p>
+<p class="po">Run, dog, mew, cat.</p>
+<p class="po">Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Elevenson.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">caviler,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A critic of our own work.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cemetery,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An isolated suburban
+spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The
+inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:</p>
+
+<p class="quote">His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied
+them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are
+here commemorated by his family, who shared them.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">In the earth we here prepare a</p>
+<p class="po">Place to lay our little Clara.</p>
+<p class="citepoet">Thomas M. and Mary Frazer</p>
+<p class="po">P.S.&mdash;Gabriel will raise her.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">centaur,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a race of
+persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and
+who followed the primitive economic maxim, &ldquo;Every man his own horse.&rdquo; The best of the lot was Chiron,
+who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head
+of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Cerberus,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The watch-dog of
+Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance&mdash;against whom or what does not clearly appear;
+everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus
+is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred.
+Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight,
+has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven&mdash;a judgment that would be entirely
+conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (<i>a</i>) something about dogs, and (<i>b</i>) something about
+arithmetic.</p>
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">childhood,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The period of human
+life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth&mdash;two removes from the sin of
+manhood and three from the remorse of age.</p>
+
+<p id="christian" class="entry"><span class="def">Christian,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who believes that
+the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One
+who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!</p>
+<p class="po">The godly multitudes walked to and fro</p>
+<p class="po">Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,</p>
+<p class="po">With pious mien, appropriately sad,</p>
+<p class="po">While all the church bells made a solemn din&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.</p>
+<p class="po">Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,</p>
+<p class="po">With tranquil face, upon that holy show</p>
+<p class="po">A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,</p>
+<p class="po">Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;God keep you, strange,&rdquo; I exclaimed. &ldquo;You are</p>
+<p class="po">No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;</p>
+<p class="po">And yet I entertain the hope that you,</p>
+<p class="po">Like these good people, are a Christian too.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="po">He raised his eyes and with a look so stern</p>
+<p class="po">It made me with a thousand blushes burn</p>
+<p class="po">Replied&mdash;his manner with disdain was spiced:</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I&rsquo;m Christ.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">circus,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A place where horses,
+ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">clairvoyant,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person, commonly
+a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">clarionet,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An instrument of torture
+operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet&mdash;two
+clarionets.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">clergyman,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A man who undertakes
+the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Clio,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the nine Muses. Clio&rsquo;s
+function was to preside over history&mdash;which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of
+Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and
+other popular speakers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">clock,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A machine of great moral
+value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">A busy man complained one day:</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;I get no time!&rdquo; &ldquo;What&rsquo;s that you say?&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="po">Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;You have, sir, all the time there is.</p>
+<p class="po">There&rsquo;s plenty, too, and don&rsquo;t you doubt it&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">We&rsquo;re never for an hour without it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Purzil Crofe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">close-fisted,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unduly desirous
+of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Close-fisted Scotchman!&rdquo; Johnson cried</p>
+<p class="poind1">To thrifty J. Macpherson;</p>
+<p class="po">&ldquo;See me&mdash;I&rsquo;m ready to divide</p>
+<p class="poind1">With any worthy person.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="po">Sad Jamie: &ldquo;That is very true&mdash;</p>
+<p class="poind1">The boast requires no backing;</p>
+<p class="po">And all are worthy, sir, to you,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Who have what you are lacking.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Anita M. Bobe.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">c&oelig;nobite,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A man who piously
+shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood
+of awful examples.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">O C&oelig;nobite, O c&oelig;nobite,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Monastical gregarian,</p>
+<p class="po">You differ from the anchorite,</p>
+<p class="poind1">That solitudinarian:</p>
+<p class="po">With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;</p>
+<p class="po">With dropping shots he makes him sick.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Quincy Giles.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">comfort,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A state of mind
+produced by contemplation of a neighbor&rsquo;s uneasiness.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">commendation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The tribute
+that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">commerce,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of
+transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D
+of money belonging to E.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">commonwealth,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An administrative
+entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.</p>
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">This commonwealth&rsquo;s capitol&rsquo;s corridors view,</p>
+<p class="po">So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew</p>
+<p class="po">Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches</p>
+<p class="po">Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays</p>
+<p class="po">That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins</p>
+<p class="po">Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.</p>
+<p class="po">On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,</p>
+<p class="po">Misfortune attend and disaster befall!</p>
+<p class="po">May life be to them a succession of hurts;</p>
+<p class="po">May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;</p>
+<p class="po">May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,</p>
+<p class="po">Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;</p>
+<p class="po">May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,</p>
+<p class="po">And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;</p>
+<p class="po">May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,</p>
+<p class="po">And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.</p>
+<p class="po">Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse</p>
+<p class="po">Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,</p>
+<p class="po">By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!</p>
+<p class="po">Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!</p>
+<p class="po">Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,</p>
+<p class="po">Avenging the friend whom I couldn&rsquo;t work in.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">K. Q.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">compromise,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Such an adjustment
+of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not
+to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">compulsion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The eloquence of power.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">condole,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To show that bereavement
+is a smaller evil than sympathy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">confidant,</span> <span class="def">confidante,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by <i>him </i>to C.</p>
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">congratulation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The civility of envy.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">congress,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A body of men who meet to repeal laws.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">connoisseur,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A specialist who knows everything 
+about something and nothing about anything else.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="indentpara">An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to 
+revive him. &ldquo;Pauillac, 1873,&rdquo; he murmured and died.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">conservative,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A statesman who is enamored of 
+existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them 
+with others.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">consolation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The knowledge that a better man is 
+more unfortunate than yourself.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">consul,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In American politics, a person who having 
+failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration 
+on condition that he leave the country.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">consult,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To seek another&rsquo;s disapproval of a course already decided on.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">contempt,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">controversy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.</p> 
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">In controversy with the facile tongue&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">That bloodless warfare of the old and young&mdash;</p>
+<p class="po">So seek your adversary to engage</p>
+<p class="po">That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,</p>
+<p class="po">And, like a snake that&rsquo;s fastened to the ground,</p>
+<p class="po">With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.</p>
+<p class="po">You ask me how this miracle is done?</p>
+<p class="po">Adopt his own opinions, one by one,</p>
+<p class="po">And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath</p>
+<p class="po">He&rsquo;ll sweep them pitilessly from his path.</p>
+<p class="po">Advance then gently all you wish to prove,</p>
+<p class="po">Each proposition prefaced with, &ldquo;As you&rsquo;ve</p>
+<p class="po">So well remarked,&rdquo; or, &ldquo;As you wisely say,</p>
+<p class="po">And I cannot dispute,&rdquo; or, &ldquo;By the way,</p>
+<p class="po">This view of it which, better far expressed,</p>
+<p class="po">Runs through your argument.&rdquo; Then leave the rest</p>
+<p class="po">To him, secure that he&rsquo;ll perform his trust</p>
+<p class="po">And prove your views intelligent and just.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Conmore Apel Brune.</p> 
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+  
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">convent,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">conversation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A fair to the display of the minor 
+mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his 
+own wares to observe those of his neighbor.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">coronation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The ceremony of investing a 
+sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown 
+skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">corporal,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder.</p> 
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,</p>
+<p class="po">Our corporal heroically fell!</p>
+<p class="po">Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl</p>
+<p class="po">And said: &ldquo;He hadn&rsquo;t very far to fall.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Giacomo Smith.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">corporation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Corsair,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A politician of the seas.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">court fool,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The plaintiff.</p> 
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">coward,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.</p> 
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">crayfish,</span> n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.</p> 
+
+<p class="quote">In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably figured and symbolized; for whereas 
+the crayfish doth move only backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing 
+naught but the perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him 
+to avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward.&mdash;<i>Sir James Merivale</i></p> 
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">creditor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.</p> 
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Cremona,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.</p> 
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">critic,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person who boasts himself hard to please 
+because nobody tries to please him.</p> 
+
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">There is a land of pure delight,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Beyond the Jordan&rsquo;s flood,</p>
+<p class="po">Where saints, apparelled all in white,</p>
+<p class="poind1">Fling back the critic&rsquo;s mud.</p>
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">And as he legs it through the skies,</p>
+<p class="poind1">His pelt a sable hue,</p>
+<p class="po">He sorrows sore to recognize</p>
+<p class="poind1">The missiles that he threw.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Orrin Goof.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cross,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ancient religious symbol erroneously 
+supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of 
+Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be identical 
+with the <span xml:lang="la"><i>crux ansata</i></span> of the 
+ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of 
+that, to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red 
+Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape 
+smites the lyre to the effect following:</p> 
+ 
+  
+<table class="poem">
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">&ldquo;Be good, be good!&rdquo; the sisterhood</p>
+<p class="poind1">Cry out in holy chorus,</p>
+<p class="po">And, to dissuade from sin, parade</p>
+<p class="poind1">Their various charms before us.</p>
+</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">But why, O why, has ne&rsquo;er an eye</p> 
+<p class="poind1">Seen her of winsome manner</p> 
+<p class="po">And youthful grace and pretty face</p>
+<p class="poind1">Flaunting the White Cross banner?</p>
+</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">Now where&rsquo;s the need of speech and screed</p> 
+<p class="poind1">To better our behaving?</p> 
+<p class="po">A simpler plan for saving man</p>
+<p class="poind1">(But, first, is he worth saving?)</p>
+</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="poem">
+<p class="po">Is, dears, when he declines to flee</p>
+<p class="poind1">From bad thoughts that beset him,</p>
+<p class="po">Ignores the Law as &rsquo;t were a straw,</p>
+<p class="poind1">And wants to sin&mdash;don&rsquo;t let him.</p>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def" lang="la">Cui Bono?</span> (Latin). What good would that do <i>me</i>?</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cunning,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The faculty that distinguishes
+a weak animal or person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great material
+adversity. An Italian proverb says: &ldquo;The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses.&rdquo;</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Cupid,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy 
+was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate 
+conceptions this is the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a 
+semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an 
+arrow&mdash;of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the 
+subtle spirit and suggestion of the work&mdash;this is eminently worthy of the age 
+that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">curiosity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An objectionable quality of the female 
+mind. The desire to know whether or not 
+a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable 
+passions of the masculine soul.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">curse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> Energetically to belabor with a verbal 
+slap-stick. This is an operation which 
+in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is 
+a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">cynic,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things 
+as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic&rsquo;s eyes to 
+improve his vision.</p> 
+ 
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+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil’s Dictionary: D</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+    
+<h1>D</h1>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">damn,</span> <span class="pos">v.</span> A word formerly much used by the    
+Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of    
+satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. 
+Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it    
+expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in    
+combination with the word <i>jod</i> or <i>god</i>, meaning “joy.” It would be with great diffidence that I    
+should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable    
+authorities.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dance,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To leap about to the sound of tittering    
+music, preferably with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all    
+those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in 
+common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">danger,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span></p>   
+   
+  <table align="center" border="0"> 
+    <tr> 
+      <td valign="top" align="left">  
+  
+<p class="poetry">A savage beast which, when it sleeps,<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+Man girds at and despises,</span><br />   
+But takes himself away by leaps<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+And bounds when it arises.</span></p>    
+    
+<p class="citeauth">Ambat Delaso.</p>    
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">daring,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">datary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman    
+Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the    
+words <i>Datum Romae</i>.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dawn,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The time when men of reason go to  
+bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that    
+time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise    
+mortifying the flesh. They then point    
+with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe    
+years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their    
+habits, but in spite of them. The    
+reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all    
+the others who have tried it.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">day,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A period of twenty-four hours, mostly  
+misspent. This period is divided into    
+two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to    
+sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dead,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span></p>   
+   
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">   
+Done with the work of breathing;   
+done<br />   
+   
+With all the world; the mad race   
+run<br />  
+   
+Though to the end; the golden goal<br />   
+   
+Attained and found to be a hole!</p>  
+   
+<p class="citeauth">Squatol Johnes.</p>  
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">debauchee,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure    
+that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">debt,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ingenious substitute for the chain and    
+whip of the slave-driver.</p>    
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet<br />    
+    
+Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,<br /> 
+Pressing his nose against the glass that    
+holds him,<br /> 
+Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;<br />  
+    
+So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,<br /> 
+Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,<br /> 
+Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,<br /> 
+And finds at last he might as well    
+have paid it.</p>  
+    
+<p class="citeauth">Barlow S. Vode.</p>  
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">decalogue,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A series of commandments, ten in number—just     
+enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to     
+embarrass the choice. Following is the     
+revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Thou shalt no God but me adore:<br />     
+     
+‘Twere too expensive to have more.</p>   
+     
+<p class="poetry">No images nor idols make<br />   
+     
+For Robert Ingersoll to break.</p>   
+     
+<p class="poetry">Take not God’s name in vain; select<br />   
+A time when it will have effect.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Work not on Sabbath days at all,<br />   
+But go to see the teams play ball.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Honor thy parents. That creates<br />   
+For life insurance lower rates.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Kill not, abet not those who kill;<br />   
+Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unless<br />   
+Thine own thy neighbor doth caress</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete<br />   
+Successfully in business. Cheat.</p>     
+   
+<p class="poetry">Bear not false witness—that is low—<br />   
+But “hear ‘tis rumored so and so.”</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Covet thou naught that thou hast not<br />   
+By hook or crook, or somehow, got.</p>   
+   
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>     
+   
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">decide,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To succumb to the preponderance of one set     
+of influences over another set.</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">A leaf was riven from a tree,<br />   
+“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">The west wind, rising, made him veer.<br />   
+“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”</p>     
+   
+<p class="poetry">The east wind rose with greater force.<br />   
+Said he: “’Twere wise to change my course.”</p>     
+   
+<p class="poetry">With equal power they contend.<br />  
+He said: “My judgment I suspend.”</p>     
+   
+<p class="poetry">Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,<br />   
+Cried: “I’ve decided to fall straight.”</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">“First thoughts are best?” That’s not the moral;<br />   
+Just choose your own and we’ll not quarrel.</p>   
+   
+<p class="poetry">Howe’er your choice may chance to fall,<br />   
+You’ll have no hand in it at all.</p>   
+   
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>     
+   
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">defame,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To lie about   
+another. To tell the truth about another.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">defenceless,</span> <span class="pos">adj. </span>Unable to attack.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">degenerate,</span> <span class="pos">adj. </span>Less conspicuously admirable than     
+one’s ancestors. The contemporaries of     
+Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a     
+rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with   
+ease. Homer never tires of sneering at     
+“men who live in these degenerate days,” which is perhaps why they suffered him     
+to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for     
+if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">degradation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the stages of moral and     
+social progress from private station to political preferment.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">deinotherium,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An extinct pachyderm that flourished     
+when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry    
+Dactyl or Peter O’Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dejeuner,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The breakfast of an American who has been in     
+Paris. Variously pronounced.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">delegation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In American politics, an article of     
+merchandise that comes in sets.</p>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">deliberation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of examining one’s bread to     
+determine which side it is buttered on.</p>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">deluge,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A notable first experiment in baptism which     
+washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.</p>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">delusion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The father of a most respectable family,   
+comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many   
+other goodly sons and daughters.</p>   
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee<br />  
+The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;<br />  
+For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,<br />  
+Would fly abandoned Virtue’s gross advances.</p>     
+     
+<p class="citeauth">Mumfrey Mappel.</p>  
+  
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dentist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A prestidigitator who, putting metal into    
+your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dependent,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Reliant upon another’s generosity    
+for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">deputy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A male relative of an office-holder, or of  
+his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs  
+extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.</p>  
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,<br />  
+“To-day the books are to be tried<br />  
+By experts and accountants who<br />  
+Have been commissioned to go through<br />  
+Our office here, to see if we<br />  
+Have stolen injudiciously.<br />  
+Please have the proper entries made,<br />  
+The proper balances displayed,<br />  
+Conforming to the whole amount<br />   
+Of cash on hand—which they will count.<br />  
+I’ve long admired your punctual way—<br />  
+Here at the break and close of day,<br />  
+Confronting in your chair the crowd<br />  
+Of business men, whose voices loud<br />  
+And gestures violent you quell<br />  
+By some mysterious, calm spell—<br />  
+Some magic lurking in your look<br />  
+That brings the noisiest to book<br />  
+And spreads a holy and profound<br />  
+Tranquillity o’er all around.<br />  
+So orderly all’s done that they<br />  
+Who came to draw remain to pay.<br />  
+But now the time demands, at last,<br />  
+That you employ your genius vast<br />  
+In energies more active. Rise<br /> 
+And shake the lightnings from your eyes;<br />  
+Inspire your underlings, and fling<br />  
+Your spirit into everything!”<br />  
+The Master’s hand here dealt a whack<br />  
+Upon the Deputy’s bent back,<br />  
+When straightway to the floor there fell<br />  
+A shrunken globe, a rattling shell<br />  
+A blackened, withered, eyeless head!<br />  
+The man had been a twelvemonth dead.</p>  
+<p class="citeauth">Jamrach Holobom.</p>  
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">destiny,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A tyrant’s authority for crime and fool’s excuse for failure.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">diagnosis,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A physician’s forecast of the disease by the     
+patient’s pulse and purse.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">diaphragm,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A muscular partition separating disorders of     
+the chest from disorders of the bowels.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">diary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A daily record of that part of one’s life,     
+which he can relate to himself without blushing.</p>     
+   
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ<br />   
+All that he had of wisdom and of wit.<br />   
+So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,<br />  
+Erased all entries of his own and cried:<br />   
+“I’ll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:<br />   
+“Thank you; ‘twill show you I am Saint the First”—<br />   
+Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,<br />  
+That record from a pocket in his shroud.<br />   
+The Angel slowly turned the pages o’er,<br />  
+Each stupid line of which he knew before,<br />  
+Glooming and     
+gleaming as by turns he hit<br />  
+On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;<br />   
+Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.<br />   
+“My friend, you’ve wandered from your proper track:<br />   
+You’d never be content this side the tomb—<br />   
+For big ideas Heaven has little room,<br />  
+And Hell’s no latitude for making mirth,”<br />  
+He said, and     
+kicked the fellow back to earth.</p>  
+  
+<p class="citeauth">“The Mad Philosopher.”</p>  
+  
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dictator,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The chief of a nation that prefers the    
+pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dictionary,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language    
+and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.</p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">die,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The singular of “dice.”   
+We seldom hear the word, because there is a     
+prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says:     
+“The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by     
+that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">A cube of cheese no larger than a die</p>  
+ May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.   
+   
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">digestion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The conversion of victuals into   
+virtues. When the process is imperfect,     
+vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr.     
+Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">diplomacy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">disabuse,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one     
+which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">discriminate,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To note the particulars in which     
+one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">discussion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A method of confirming others in their errors.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">disobedience,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">disobey,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">His right to govern me is clear as day,<br />   
+My duty manifest to disobey;<br />   
+And if that fit observance e’er I shut<br />   
+May I and duty be alike undone.</p>   
+   
+<p class="citeauth">Israfel Brown.</p>  
+  
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dissemble,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To put a clean shirt upon the character.</p>   
+   
+<p class="quote" style="text-align: center">Let us dissemble.—<i>Adam.</i></p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">distance,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The only thing that the rich are willing for   
+the poor to call theirs, and keep.</p> 
+   
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">distress,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.</p>   
+   
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">divination,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The art of nosing out the 
+occult. Divination is of as many kinds     
+as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.</p>     
+     
+<p id="dog" class="entry"><span class="def">dog,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity     
+designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and     
+silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there     
+is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an anachronism. He toils not,     
+neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat     
+all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the     
+means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a     
+look of tolerant recognition.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dragoon,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure     
+that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">dramatist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who adapts plays from the French.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">druids,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic     
+religion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human     
+sacrifice. Very little is now known     
+about the Druids and their faith. Pliny     
+says their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as     
+Persia. Caesar says those who desired     
+to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any     
+high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human sacrifice     
+was considerable.</p>     
+     
+<p class="indentpara">Druids performed their     
+religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the     
+season-ticket system of pew rents. They     
+were, in short, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by a     
+distinguished prelate of the Church of England—<i>Dissenters.</i></p>   
+   
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">duck-bill,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.</p>   
+   
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">duel,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A formal ceremony preliminary to the    
+reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the    
+most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.</p>    
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">That dueling’s a gentlemanly vice<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+I hold; and wish that it had been my lot</span><br /> 
+<span class="ind1">   
+To live my life out in some favored spot—</span><br />   
+Some country where it is considered nice<br />   
+To split a rival like a fish, or slice<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+A husband like a spud, or with a shot</span><br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot</span><br />   
+And ready to be put upon the ice.<br />   
+Some miscreants there are, whom I do long<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim</span><br /> 
+The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,<br /> 
+I seem     
+to see them now—a mighty throng.<br />   
+<span class="ind1">   
+It looks as if to challenge me they came,</span><br /> 
+Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!</p>   
+   
+<p class="citeauth">Xamba Q. Dar.</p>    
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Dullard,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of the reigning dynasty in letters     
+and life. The Dullards came in with     
+Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their     
+insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a     
+platitude. The Dullards came originally     
+from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness     
+having blighted the crops. For some     
+centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to     
+this day. In the turbulent times of the     
+Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying     
+most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and     
+theology. Since a detachment of     
+Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the <i>Mayflower</i>     
+and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration,     
+and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult     
+Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including     
+the statisticians. The intellectual     
+centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England     
+Dullard is the most shockingly moral.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">duty,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,</p> 
+Was wroth at his master, who’d kissed Lady Port.<br /> 
+His anger provoked him to take the king’s head,<br />   
+But duty prevailed, and he took the king’s bread,<br />   
+<span class="ind3">   
+Instead.</span>     
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>     
+     
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+</body>     
+</html>
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+<dc-metadata xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.0/"
+    xmlns:oebpackage="http://openebook.org/namespaces/oeb-package/1.0">
+<dc:Title>The Devil's Dictionary</dc:Title>
+<dc:Type>Essay</dc:Type>
+<dc:Identifier scheme="none">123456789X</dc:Identifier>
+<dc:Creator role="aut" file-as="Bierce, Ambrose">Ambrose Bierce</dc:Creator>
+<dc:Subject>acidic commentary</dc:Subject>
+<dc:Publisher>PetesGuide.com</dc:Publisher>
+<dc:Contributor>Peter K. Sheerin</dc:Contributor>
+<dc:Contributor>Peter K. Sheerin</dc:Contributor>
+<dc:Date event="creation">1911</dc:Date>
+<dc:Date event="electronic publication">2000/07/21</dc:Date>
+<dc:Rights>This work is now in the public domain. This edition is based on the Project Guttenberg plain ASCII edition.</dc:Rights>
+<dc:Language>en-us</dc:Language>
+<dc:Coverage>Commentary on the use of language in the early 1900&rsquo;s</dc:Coverage>
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+<itemref idref="D"/>
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+<itemref idref="Y"/>
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+</spine>
+<tours>
+<tour id="poetrytour" title="Alphabetical Tour of Poetry Citations">
+<site title="Poor Isabella&rsquo;s Dead" href="A.html#abdication"/>
+<site title="Abracadabra" href="A.html#abracadabra"/>
+<site title="Spring Beckons!" href="A.html#abscond"/>
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+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#abstainer"/>
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+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#allah"/>
+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#allegiance"/>
+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#alone"/>
+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#altar"/>
+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#anoint"/>
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+<site title="Poor Isabella's Dead" href="A.html#art"/>
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+<guide>
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+<reference type="foreword" title="Foreword" href="foreword.html"/>
+<reference type="preface" title="Preface" href="preface.html"/>
+<reference type="other.ms-firstpage" title="" href="foreword.html"/>
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+<title>The Devil’s Dictionary: E</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1>E</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">eat,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To perform  
+successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.</p>   
+
+<p class="indentpara">“I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,” said Brillat-Savarin, beginning
+an anecdote. “What!” interrupted Rochebriant; “eating dinner in a drawing-room?” “I must beg you to   
+observe, monsieur,” explained the great gastronome, “that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I   
+had dined an hour before.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">eavesdrop,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> Secretly   
+to overhear a catalogue    
+of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.</p>    
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">A lady with one of her ears applied<br /> 
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,<br /> 
+Two female gossips in converse    
+free—<br /> 
+The subject engaging them was she.<br /> 
+“I think,” said    
+one, “and my husband thinks<br /> 
+That she’s a prying, inquisitive minx!”<br /> 
+As soon as no more of it she could    
+hear<br /> 
+The lady, indignant, removed her    
+ear.<br /> 
+“I will not stay,”    
+she said, with a pout,<br /> 
+“To hear my character lied about!”</p>    
+    
+<p class="citeauth">Gopete Sherany.</p>   
+   
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">eccentricity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A method of distinction so cheap      
+that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">economy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Purchasing     
+the barrel of whiskey that you do      
+not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">edible,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Good to eat,     
+and wholesome to digest, as a      
+worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man      
+to a worm.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">editor,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A person who combines the judicial functions       
+of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely       
+virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of       
+others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning       
+and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers       
+petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a       
+mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the       
+evening star. Master of mysteries and       
+lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with       
+the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue       
+a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths       
+to suit. And at intervals from behind       
+the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches       
+of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom       
+and whack up some pathos.</p>       
+       
+  <table align="center" border="0">     
+    <tr>     
+      <td valign="top" align="left">      
+      
+<p class="poetry">O, the Lord of Law       
+on the Throne of Thought,<br />    
+<span class="ind1">A gilded impostor is he.</span><br />      
+Of shreds and       
+patches his robes are wrought,<br />      
+<span class="ind3">      
+His crown is brass,</span><br />      
+<span class="ind3">      
+Himself an ass,</span><br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.</span><br />     
+Prankily, crankily prating of       
+naught,<br />      
+Silly old quilly old Monarch of       
+Thought.<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+Public opinion’s       
+camp-follower he,</span><br />    
+<span class="ind1">Thundering, blundering, plundering free.</span><br />      
+<span class="ind3">      
+Affected,</span><br />      
+<span class="ind6">      
+Ungracious,</span><br />      
+<span class="ind3">      
+Suspected,</span><br />      
+<span class="ind6">      
+Mendacious,</span><br />    
+Respected contemporaree!</p>      
+      
+<p class="citeauth">J.H. Bumbleshook.</p>     
+     
+      </td>    
+    </tr>    
+  </table>    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">education,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> That     
+which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of     
+understanding.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">effect,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The second of two phenomena which always     
+occur together in the same order. The     
+first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which is no more sensible     
+than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a     
+rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">egotist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A  
+person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.</p>    
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Megaceph, chosen to serve the State<br />    
+In the halls of legislative debate,<br />    
+One day with all his credentials     
+came<br />    
+To the capitol’s door and announced     
+his name.<br />    
+The doorkeeper looked, with a     
+comical twist<br />    
+Of the face, at the eminent     
+egotist,<br />    
+And said: “Go away, for we settle here<br />    
+All manner of questions, knotty and     
+queer,<br />    
+And we cannot have, when the     
+speaker demands<br />    
+To be told how every member stands,<br />    
+A man who to all things under the     
+sky<br />    
+Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.”     
+ </p>
+      </td>    
+    </tr>    
+  </table>    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ejection,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An approved remedy for the disease of     
+garrulity. It is also much used in     
+cases of extreme poverty.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">elector,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who enjoys the sacred privilege of     
+voting for the man of another man’s choice.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">electricity,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The power that causes all natural       
+phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to       
+strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and       
+good man’s career. The memory of Dr.       
+Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a       
+waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching       
+account of his life and services to science:</p>       
+       
+<p class="quote">“Monsieur       
+Franqulin, inventor of electricity.       
+This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the       
+world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a       
+single fragment was ever recovered.”</p>       
+       
+<p class="indentpara">Electricity seems       
+destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application       
+to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it       
+will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a       
+horse.</p>       
+       
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">elegy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A composition in verse, in which, without       
+employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the       
+reader’s mind the dampest kind of dejection.       
+The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:</p>       
+       
+  <table align="center" border="0">    
+    <tr>    
+      <td valign="top" align="left">     
+     
+<p class="poetry">The cur foretells       
+the knell of parting day;<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+The loafing herd        
+winds slowly o’er the lea;</span><br />      
+The wise man       
+homeward plods; I only stay<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+To fiddle-faddle       
+in a minor key.</span>     
+     </p>
+      </td>    
+    </tr>    
+  </table>    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">eloquence,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span>       
+The art of orally persuading fools that white       
+is the color that it appears to be. It       
+includes the gift of making any color appear white.</p>       
+       
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">elysium,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An imaginary delightful country which the       
+ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was       
+swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians—may their souls be       
+happy in Heaven!</p>       
+       
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">emancipation,</span> <span class="pos">       
+n.</span> A bondman’s change from the tyranny       
+of another to the despotism of himself.</p>       
+       
+  <table align="center" border="0">    
+    <tr>    
+      <td valign="top" align="left">     
+     
+<p class="poetry">He was a       
+slave: at word he went and came;<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+His iron collar cut       
+him to the bone.</span><br />      
+Then Liberty       
+erased his owner’s name,<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+Tightened the       
+rivets and inscribed his own.</span></p>       
+       
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>      
+      
+      </td>    
+    </tr>    
+  </table>    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">embalm,</span> <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases      
+upon which it feeds. By embalming their      
+dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable      
+life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and      
+incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction,      
+and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor’s lawn as a      
+tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long      
+inutility. We shall get him after      
+awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are      
+languishing for a nibble at his <i>glutoeus      
+maximus</i>.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">emotion,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A prostrating disease caused by a      
+determination of the heart to the head.      
+It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride      
+of sodium from the eyes.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">encomiast,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A special (but not particular) kind of liar.</p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">end,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The position farthest removed on either hand      
+from the Interlocutor.</p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">    
+    <tr>    
+      <td valign="top" align="left">     
+     
+<p class="poetry">The man was       
+perishing apace<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+Who played the       
+tambourine;</span><br />      
+The seal of death       
+was on his face—<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+‘Twas pallid, for       
+‘twas clean.</span></p>       
+       
+<p class="poetry">“This is the end,”       
+the sick man said<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+In faint and       
+failing tones.</span><br />      
+A moment later he       
+was dead,<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+And Tambourine was       
+Bones.</span></p>       
+       
+<p class="citeauth">Tinley Roquot.</p>      
+      
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p></p>      
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">enough,</span> <span class="pos">pro.</span> All there is in the world if you like it.</p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Enough is as good       
+as a feast—for that matter<br />  
+Enougher’s as good as a feast for the platter.</p>  
+<p class="citeauth">Arbely C. Strunk.   </p>
+   
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">entertainment,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Any kind of amusement whose inroads     
+stop short of death by injection.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">enthusiasm,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A distemper of youth, curable by     
+small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of     
+experience. Byron, who recovered long     
+enough to call it “entuzy-muzy,” had a relapse, which carried him off—to     
+Missolonghi.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">envelope,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a     
+bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">envy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">epaulet,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish     
+a military officer from the enemy—that is to say, from the officer of lower     
+rank to whom his death would give promotion.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">epicure,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious     
+philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted     
+no time in gratification from the senses.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">epigram,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A short, sharp saying in prose or verse,      
+frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable      
+epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:</p>     
+
+   <blockquote>
+<p>We know better the      
+needs of ourselves than of others. To      
+serve oneself is economy of administration.</p> 
+<p>In each human      
+heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.</p> 
+<p>There are three      
+sexes; males, females and girls.</p> 
+<p>Beauty in women      
+and distinction in men are alike in this:     
+they seem to be      
+the unthinking a kind of credibility.</p> 
+<p>Women in love are      
+less ashamed than men. They have less      
+to be ashamed of.</p> 
+<p>While your friend      
+holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch      
+both his.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">epitaph,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An inscription on a tomb, showing that      
+virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:</p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,<br />     
+Wise, pious, humble and all that,<br />     
+Who showed us life as all should      
+live it;<br />     
+Let that be said—and God forgive      
+it!    </p>
+    
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">erudition,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Dust shaken out of a book into an empty      
+skull.</p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">So wide his erudition’s mighty      
+span,<br />     
+He knew Creation’s origin and plan<br />     
+And only came by accident to grief—<br />     
+He thought, poor man, ‘twas right      
+to be a thief.</p>      
+      
+<p></p>      
+      
+<p class="citeauth">Romach Pute.</p>     
+     
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p></p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">esoteric,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Very particularly abstruse and     
+consummately occult. The ancient     
+philosophies were of two kinds,<i>&#8212;exoteric</i>,     
+those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and <i>esoteric</i>, those that nobody could     
+understand. It is the latter that have     
+most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our     
+time.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ethnology,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The science that treats of the various     
+tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and     
+ethnologists.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Eucharist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A sacred feast of the religious sect of     
+Theophagi.</p>     
+     
+<p class="indentpara">A dispute once     
+unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they     
+ate. In this controversy some five     
+hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">eulogy,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> Praise of a person who has either the     
+advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">evangelist,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A bearer of good tidings,     
+particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and     
+the damnation of our neighbors.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">everlasting,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I     
+venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of     
+the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, <i>A     
+Partial Definition of the Word “Everlasting,” as Used in the Authorized Version     
+of the Holy Scriptures</i>. His book was     
+once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I     
+understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">exception,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> A thing which takes the liberty to differ     
+from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an     
+expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one     
+another with never a thought of its absurdity.     
+In the Latin, “<i>Exceptio probat regulam</i>” means that the exception <i>tests</i> the rule, puts it to the proof, not <i>confirms</i> it.    
+The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum     
+and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears     
+to be immortal.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">excess,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In morals, an indulgence that enforces by     
+appropriate penalties the law of moderation.</p>     
+     
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">   
+   
+Hail, high       
+Excess—especially in wine,<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+To thee in worship        
+do I bend the knee</span><br />  
+<span class="ind1">      
+ Who preach abstemiousness unto me—</span><br />      
+My skull thy       
+pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.<br />      
+Precept on       
+precept, aye, and line on line,<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+Could ne’er       
+persuade so sweetly to agree</span><br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+With reason as thy       
+touch, exact and free,</span><br />      
+Upon my forehead       
+and along my spine.<br />      
+At thy command       
+eschewing pleasure’s cup,<br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+With the hot grape       
+I warm no more my wit;</span><br />      
+<span class="ind1">      
+When on thy stool       
+of penitence I sit</span><br />      
+I’m quite converted, for I can’t       
+get up.<br />      
+Ungrateful he who afterward would       
+falter<br />      
+To make new sacrifices at thine       
+altar!</p> 
+     
+      </td>    
+    </tr>    
+  </table>    
+      
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">excommunication,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span></p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">    
+    <tr>    
+      <td valign="top" align="left">     
+     
+<p class="poetry">This “excommunication” is a word<br />      
+In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,<br />      
+And means the      
+damning, with bell, book and candle,<br />  
+Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—<br />      
+A rite permitting      
+Satan to enslave him<br /> 
+Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.</p>      
+      
+<p class="citeauth">Gat Huckle.</p>    
+    
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p></p>    
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">executive,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> An officer of the Government, whose duty it     
+is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the     
+judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no     
+effect. Following is an extract from an     
+old book entitled, <i>The Lunarian Astonished&#8212;</i>Pfeiffer &amp; Co., Boston,     
+1803:</p>     
+<blockquote>   
+<p>Lunarian: Then when your Congress has passed a law it    
+goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional?</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrain: O no; it does not require the approval of     
+the Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its     
+operation against himself—I mean his client.     
+The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once.</p>     
+     
+<p>Lunarian: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.</p>     
+     
+<p>Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce?</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrian: Not yet—at least not in their character of constables.   
+Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.</p>     
+     
+<p>Lunarian: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer.</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrian: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent.</p>     
+     
+<p>Lunarian: But this system of maintaining an expensive     
+judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then     
+only when brought before the court by some private person—does it not cause great confusion?</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrian: It does.</p>     
+     
+<p>Lunarian: Why then should not your laws, previously to     
+being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief     
+Justice of the Supreme Court?</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrian: There is no precedent for any such course.</p>     
+     
+<p>Lunarian: Precedent. What is that?</p>     
+     
+<p>Terrestrian: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers     
+in three volumes each. So how can any one know?</p>     
+</blockquote>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">exhort,</span> <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In     
+religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it     
+to a nut-brown discomfort.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">exile,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One who serves his country by residing     
+abroad, yet is not an ambassador.</p>     
+     
+<p class="indentpara">An English     
+sea-captain being asked if he had read “The Exile of Erin,” replied: “No, sir, but I should like to anchor on     
+it.” Years afterwards, when he had been     
+hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following     
+memorandum was found in the ship’s log that he had kept at the time of his     
+reply:</p>     
+     
+<p class="quote">Aug. 3d,     
+1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">existence,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span></p>    
+    
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">A transient,     
+horrible, fantastic dream,<br /> 
+Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:<br /> 
+From which we’re      
+wakened by a friendly nudge<br /> 
+Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: “O fudge!”</p>     
+     
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">experience,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The wisdom that enables us to recognize      
+as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.</p>      
+      
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">To one who,      
+journeying through night and fog,<br /> 
+Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,<br /> 
+Experience, like the rising of the dawn,<br /> 
+Reveals the path that he should not      
+have gone.</p>      
+      
+<p class="citeauth">Joel Frad Bink.</p>     
+     
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">expostulation,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the many methods by which     
+fools prefer to lose their friends.</p>     
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">extinction,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> The raw material out of which     
+theology created the future state.</p>     
+     
+     
+</body>     
+     
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: F</title>
+</head>
+
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+<h1>F</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fairy,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, 
+that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, 
+and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies 
+are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church 
+of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a 
+park after dining with the lord of the manor. 
+The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account 
+of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 
+a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a 
+peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy 
+<i>bourgeois</i> disappeared about the same time, 
+but afterward returned. He had seen the 
+abduction been in pursuit of the fairies. 
+Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that so great 
+is the fairies’ power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two 
+opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, 
+after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred 
+bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the 
+wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law 
+was made which prescribed the death penalty for “Kyllynge, wowndynge, or 
+mamynge” a fairy, and it was universally respected.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">faith,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> Belief without evidence in what is told by 
+one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.</p> 
+ 
+<p id="famous" class="entry"><span class="def">famous,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Conspicuously miserable.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Done to a turn on 
+the iron, behold<br /> 
+Him who to be 
+famous aspired.<br /> 
+Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold,<br /> 
+And his twistings 
+are greatly admired.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Hassan Brubuddy.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fashion,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">A king there was 
+who lost an eye<br /> 
+In some excess of 
+passion;<br /> 
+And straight his 
+courtiers all did try<br /> 
+To follow the new 
+fashion.<br /> 
+Each dropped one 
+eyelid when before<br /> 
+The throne he 
+ventured, thinking<br /> 
+‘Twould please the 
+king. That monarch swore<br /> 
+He’d slay them all 
+for winking.<br /> 
+What should they 
+do? They were not hot<br /> 
+To hazard such 
+disaster;<br /> 
+They dared not 
+close an eye—dared not<br /> 
+See better than 
+their master.<br /> 
+Seeing them 
+lacrymose and glum,<br /> 
+A leech consoled 
+the weepers:<br /> 
+He spread small 
+rags with liquid gum<br /> 
+And covered half 
+their peepers.<br /> 
+The court all wore 
+the stuff, the flame<br /> 
+Of royal anger 
+dying.<br /> 
+That’s how 
+court-plaster got its name<br /> 
+Unless I’m greatly 
+lying.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Naramy Oof.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">feast,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A festival. 
+A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently 
+in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic 
+Church feasts are 
+“movable” and “immovable,” but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until 
+they are full. In their earliest 
+development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such 
+were held by the Greeks, under the name <i>Nemeseia</i>, 
+by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are popular with the 
+Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were 
+light eaters. Among the many feasts of 
+the Romans was the <i>Novemdiale</i>, 
+which was held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">felon,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A person of greater enterprise than 
+discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate 
+attachment.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">female,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">The Maker, at Creation’s birth,<br /> 
+With living things had stocked the 
+earth.<br /> 
+From elephants to bats and snails,<br /> 
+They all were good, for all were 
+males.<br /> 
+But when the Devil came and saw<br /> 
+He said: “By Thine eternal law<br /> 
+Of growth, maturity, decay,<br /> 
+These all must quickly pass away<br /> 
+And leave untenanted the earth<br /> 
+Unless Thou dost establish birth”—<br /> 
+Then tucked his head beneath his 
+wing<br /> 
+To laugh—he had no sleeve—the thing<br /> 
+With deviltry did so accord,<br /> 
+That he’d suggested to the Lord.<br /> 
+The Master pondered this advice,<br /> 
+Then shook and threw the fateful 
+dice<br /> 
+Wherewith all matters here below<br /> 
+Are ordered, and observed the 
+throw;<br /> 
+Then bent His head in awful state,<br /> 
+Confirming the decree of Fate.<br /> 
+From every part of earth anew<br /> 
+The conscious dust consenting flew,<br /> 
+While rivers from their courses rolled<br /> 
+To make it plastic for the mould.<br />
+Enough collected (but no more,<br /> 
+For niggard Nature hoards her store)<br /> 
+He kneaded it to flexible clay,<br /> 
+While Nick unseen threw some away.<br /> 
+And then the various forms He cast,<br /> 
+Gross organs first and finer last;<br />
+No one at once evolved, but all<br /> 
+By even touches grew and small<br /> 
+Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,<br /> 
+To match all living things He’d made<br /> 
+Females, complete in all their parts<br /> 
+Except (His clay gave out) thec hearts.<br /> 
+“No matter,” Satan cried; “with speed<br /> 
+I’ll fetch the very hearts they need”—<br /> 
+So flew away and soon brought back<br /> 
+The number needed, in a sack.<br /> 
+That night earth range with sounds of strife—<br /> 
+Ten million males each had a wife;<br /> 
+That night sweet Peace her pinions spread<br /> 
+O’er Hell—ten million devils dead!</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p> 
+ 
+ 
+ 
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+ 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fib,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar’s 
+nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">When David said: “All men are liars,” Dave,<br /> 
+Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.<br /> 
+Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief<br /> 
+By proof that even himself was not a slave<br /> 
+To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave<br /> 
+Had been of all her servitors the chief<br /> 
+Had he but known a fig’s reluctant leaf<br /> 
+Is more than e’er she wore on land or wave.<br /> 
+No, David served not Naked Truth when he<br /> 
+Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;<br /> 
+Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:<br /> 
+For reason shows that it could never be,<br /> 
+And the facts contradict him to his face.<br /> 
+Men are not liars all, for some are dead.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Bartle Quinker.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fickleness,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The iterated satiety of an 
+enterprising affection.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fiddle,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> An instrument to tickle human ears by 
+friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="quote">To Rome said 
+Nero: “If to smoke you turn I shall not 
+cease to fiddle while you burn.” To Nero Rome replied: “Pray do your worst, 
+‘Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first.”&#8212;<i>Orm Pludge</i></p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fidelity,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A virtue peculiar to those who are about to 
+be betrayed.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">finance,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The art or science of managing revenues and resources 
+for the best advantage of the manager. 
+The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the 
+first syllable is one of America’s most precious discoveries and possessions.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">flag,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted 
+on forts and ships. It appears to serve 
+the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in 
+London—“Rubbish may be shot here.”</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">flesh,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The Second Person of the secular Trinity.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">flop,</span> <span class="pos"> v.</span> Suddenly to change one’s opinions and go 
+over to another party. The most notable 
+flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as 
+a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fly-speck,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by 
+Garvinus that the systems 
+of punctuation in use by the various literary nations depended originally upon 
+the social habits and general diet of the flies infesting the several 
+countries. These creatures, which have 
+always been distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with 
+authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth 
+under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the 
+work by a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the 
+writer’s powers. The “old masters” of 
+literature—that is to say, the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later 
+scribes and critics in the same language—never punctuated at all, but worked 
+right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which comes from 
+the use of points. (We observe the same 
+thing in children to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and 
+beautiful instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the 
+methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of races.) 
+In the work of these primitive scribes all 
+the punctuation is found, by the modern investigator with his optical 
+instruments and chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers’ ingenious 
+and serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly&#8212;<i>Musca maledicta</i>. 
+In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either 
+making the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine 
+revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever marks they 
+find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhancement of the 
+lucidity of the thought and value of the work. 
+Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the 
+obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance 
+as the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival 
+and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of 
+punctuation, which is no small glory. 
+Fully to understand the important services that flies perform to 
+literature it is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist 
+alongside a saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe “how the 
+wit brightens and the style refines” in accurate proportion to the duration of 
+exposure.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">folly,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> That “gift and faculty divine” whose 
+creative and controlling energy inspires Man’s mind, guides his actions and 
+adorns his life.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once<br /> 
+In a thick volume, and all authors known,<br /> 
+If not thy glory yet thy power have shown,<br /> 
+Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts<br /> 
+Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce,<br /> 
+To mend their lives and to sustain his own,<br /> 
+However feebly be his arrows thrown,<br /> 
+Howe’er each hide the flying weapons blunts.<br /> 
+All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,<br /> 
+With lusty lung, here on his western strand<br /> 
+With all thine offspring thronged from every land,<br /> 
+Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.<br /> 
+And if too weak, I’ll hire, to help me bawl,<br /> 
+Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Aramis Loto Frope.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p id="fool" class="entry"><span class="def">fool,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A person who pervades the domain of 
+intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral 
+activity. He is omnific, omniform, 
+omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. 
+He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, 
+the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created 
+patriotism and taught the nations 
+war—founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established 
+monarchical and republican 
+government. He is from everlasting to 
+everlasting—such as creation’s dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning 
+of time he sang upon 
+primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of 
+being. His grandmotherly hand was 
+warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares 
+Man’s evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the 
+universal grave. And after the rest of 
+us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write 
+a history of human civilization.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">force,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span></p>
+
+  <table align="center" border="0">  
+    <tr>  
+      <td valign="top" align="left">   
+   
+<p class="poetry">“Force is but might,” the teacher said—<br /> 
+“That definition’s just.”<br /> 
+The boy said naught but through instead,<br /> 
+Remembering his pounded head:<br /> 
+“Force is not might but must!”</p> 
+ 
+      </td>   
+    </tr>   
+  </table>   
+     
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">forefinger,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">foreordination,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> This looks like an easy word to 
+define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long 
+lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; 
+when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the 
+difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of 
+treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its 
+compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and 
+a religious life,&#82128;recalling these awful facts in the history of the word, I 
+stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my 
+spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently 
+uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace 
+Bishop Potter.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">forgetfulness,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A gift of God bestowed upon doctors 
+in compensation for their destitution of conscience.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">fork,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> An instrument used chiefly for the purpose 
+of putting dead animals into the mouth. 
+Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy 
+persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, 
+however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the 
+knife. The immunity of these persons 
+from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God’s mercy to 
+those that hate Him.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">forma pauperis.</span> <span class="pos"> [Latin]</span> In the character of a poor person—a method 
+by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to 
+lose his case.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court<br /> 
+(For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)<br /> 
+Sued for Eve’s favor, says an ancient law report,<br /> 
+He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.<br />
+“You sue <i>in forma pauperis</i>, I see,” Eve cried;<br /> 
+“Actions can’t here be that way prosecuted.”<br /> 
+So all poor Adam’s motions coldly were denied:<br /> 
+He went away—as he had come—nonsuited.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Frankalmoigne,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> The tenure by which a religious 
+corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. 
+In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest 
+fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once 
+when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast 
+possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, “What!” said the 
+Prior, “would you master stay our benefactor’s soul in Purgatory?” “Ay,” 
+said the officer, coldly, “an ye will 
+not pray him thence for naught he must e’en roast.” “But look you, my son,” 
+persisted the good man, “this act hath 
+rank as robbery of God!” “Nay, nay, 
+good father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the manifold 
+temptations of too great wealth.”</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">freebooter,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A conqueror in a small way of 
+business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">freedom,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> Exemption from the stress of authority in a 
+beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political 
+condition that every nation 
+supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. 
+Liberty. The distinction between 
+freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able 
+to find a living specimen of either.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,<br /> 
+Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;<br /> 
+On every wind, indeed, that blows<br /> 
+I hear her yell.<br /> 
+She screams whenever monarchs meet,<br /> 
+And parliaments as well,<br /> 
+To bind the chains about her feet<br /> 
+And toll her knell.<br /> 
+And when the sovereign people cast<br /> 
+The votes they cannot spell,<br /> 
+Upon the pestilential blast<br /> 
+Her clamors swell.<br /> 
+For all to whom the power’s given<br /> 
+To sway or to compel,<br /> 
+Among themselves apportion Heaven<br /> 
+And give her Hell.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Blary O’Gary.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Freemasons,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> An order with secret rites, 
+grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of 
+Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by 
+the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all 
+the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up 
+distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and 
+Formless Void. The order was founded at 
+different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, 
+Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its 
+emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the 
+stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak 
+and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids—always by a Freemason.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">friendless,</span> <span class="pos"> adj.</span> Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. 
+Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. </p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">friendship,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">The sea was calm and the sky was blue;<br /> 
+Merrily, merrily sailed we two.<br /> 
+(High barometer maketh glad.)<br /> 
+On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,<br /> 
+The tempest descended and we fell out.<br /> 
+(O the walking is nasty bad!)</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Armit Huff Bettle.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">frog,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane 
+literature is in Homer’s narrative of the war between them and the mice. 
+Skeptical persons have doubted Homer’s 
+authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann 
+has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain 
+frogs. One of the forms of moral 
+suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of 
+frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them <i>fricasees</i>, 
+remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long as the 
+frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was changed. The frog is a 
+diligent songster, having a 
+good voice but no ear. The libretto of 
+his favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is brief, simple and 
+effective—“brekekex-koax”; the music is apparently by that eminent composer, 
+Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in 
+each hoof—a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling them to shine in a hurdle 
+race.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">frying-pan,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> One part of the penal apparatus 
+employed in that punitive institution, a woman’s kitchen. The frying-pan was 
+invented by Calvin, and 
+by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and 
+observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a 
+fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine 
+to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household 
+in Geneva. Thence it spread to all 
+corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation 
+of his sombre faith. The following 
+lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that 
+the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the 
+consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, 
+so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees:</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">Old Nick was summoned to the skies.<br /> 
+Said Peter: “Your intentions<br /> 
+Are good, but you lack enterprise<br /> 
+Concerning new inventions.<br /> 
+“Now, broiling in an ancient plan<br /> 
+Of torment, but I hear it<br /> 
+Reported that the frying-pan<br /> 
+Sears best the wicked spirit.<br /> 
+“Go get one—fill it up with fat—<br /> 
+Fry sinners brown and good in’t.”<br />
+“I know a trick worth two o’ that,”<br /> 
+Said Nick—“I’ll cook their food in’t.”</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">&nbsp;</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p id="funeral" class="entry"><span class="def">funeral,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> A pageant whereby we attest our respect for 
+the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an 
+expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.</p> 
+ 
+  <table align="center" border="0">   
+    <tr>   
+      <td valign="top" align="left">    
+    
+<p class="poetry">The savage dies—they sacrifice a horse<br /> 
+To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.<br />
+Our friends expire—we make the money fly<br /> 
+In 
+hope their souls will chase it to the sky.</p> 
+ 
+<p class="citeauth">Jex Wopley.</p>
+
+      </td>  
+    </tr>  
+  </table>  
+    
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">future,</span> <span class="pos"> n.</span> That period of time in which our affairs 
+prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.</p>
+
+</body>
+
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: D</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+<h1>G</h1>
+
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gallows</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is
+translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the
+number of persons who escape it.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Whether on the gallows high</p>
+<p class="poetry">Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is where he died the deadest.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">(Old play)</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gargoyle</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A rain-pout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned
+into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of
+the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical
+structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues’
+gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and
+chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted
+having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">garther</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and
+desolating the country.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">generous</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of
+persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">genealogy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">genteel</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Refined, after the fashion of a gent.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:</p>
+<p class="poetry">A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Heed not the definitions your “Unabridged” presents,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For dictionary makers are generally gents.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">geographer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Native of Abu-Keber’s ancient town,</p>
+<p class="poetry">In passing thence along the river Zam</p>
+<p class="poetry">To the adjacent village of Xelam,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Bewildered by the multitude of roads,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then from exposure miserably died,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Henry Haukhorn</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">geology</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The science of the earth’s crust—to which, doubtless, will be added that of its
+interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological
+formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or
+lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners’ tools,
+antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary
+is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway
+tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato
+cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ghost</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He saw a ghost.</p>
+<p class="poetry">It occupied—that dismal thing!&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The path that he was following.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Before he’d time to stop and fly,</p>
+<p class="poetry">An earthquake trifled with the eye</p>
+<p class="poetry">That saw a ghost.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He fell as fall the early good;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Unmoved that awful vision stood.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The stars that danced before his ken</p>
+<p class="poetry">He wildly brushed away, and then</p>
+<p class="poetry">He saw a post.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jared Macphester</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody’s ingenious theory to the
+effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may
+judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from
+memories of my own experience.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost never comes naked: he
+appears either in a winding-sheet or “in his habit as he lived.” To believe in
+him, then, is to believe that not only have the dead the power to make
+themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, but that the same power
+inheres in textile fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this
+ability, what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the
+apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These
+be riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grip on
+the very tap-root of this flourishing faith.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ghoul</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead. The existence of
+ghouls has been disputed by that class of controversialists who are more
+concerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs than to give it anything
+good in their place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence
+and frightened it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted
+with many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than
+one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and
+explains that if he had not been “heavy with eating” he would have seized the
+demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy
+peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to
+think that so distinguished a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of
+rosewater.) The water turned at once to blood “and so contynues unto ys daye.” The
+pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the
+fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens
+and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a priest
+at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which,
+thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the semblance of
+a well known citizen, but was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the
+midst of hideous popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed
+was so affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself
+in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">glutton</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gnome</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the
+earth and having special custody of mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in
+1765, says gnomes were common enough in the southern parts of Sweden in his
+boyhood, and he frequently saw them scampering on the hills in the evening
+twilight. Ludwig Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest,
+and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian
+mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find
+that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gnostics</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early
+Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the
+combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gnu</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo
+and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an
+earthquake and a cyclone.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A hunter from Kew caught a distant view</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of a peacefully meditative gnu,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And he said: “I’ll pursue, and my hands imbrue</p>
+<p class="poetry">In its blood at a closer interview.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw</p>
+<p class="poetry">O’er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;</p>
+<p class="poetry">And he said as he flew: “It is well I withdrew</p>
+<p class="poetry">Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jarn Leffer</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">good</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Sensible, madam,
+to the worth of this present writer.</p>
+
+<p>Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">goose</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are
+penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird’s intellectual
+energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically
+across paper by a person called an “author,” there results a very fair and
+accurate transcript of the fowl’s thought and feeling. The difference in geese,
+as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have
+only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese
+indeed.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gorgon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The Gorgon was a maiden bold</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who turned to stone the Greeks of old</p>
+<p class="poetry">That looked upon her awful brow.</p>
+<p class="poetry">We dig them out of ruins now,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And swear that workmanship so bad</p>
+<p class="poetry">Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.</p>
+</div>
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gout</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A physician’s name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">graces</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus,
+serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for
+they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing
+whatever breeze happened to be blowing.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">grammar</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man,
+along the path by which he advances to distinction.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">grape</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Hail noble fruit!&#8212;by Homer sung,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Anacreon and Khayyam;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Thy praise is ever on the tongue</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of better men than I am.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The lyre in my hand has never swept,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The song I cannot offer:</p>
+<p class="poetry">My humbler service pray accept—</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’ll help to kill the scoffer.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The water-drinkers and the cranks</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who load their skins with liquor—</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’ll gladly bear their belly-tanks</p>
+<p class="poetry">And tap them with my sticker.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools</p>
+<p class="poetry">When e’er we let the wine rest.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Here’s death to Prohibition’s fools,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And every kind of vine-pest!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jamrach Holobom</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">grapeshot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">grave</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Beside a lonely grave I stood—</p>
+<p class="poetry">With brambles ‘twas encumbered;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The winds were moaning in the wood,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Unheard by him who slumbered,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A rustic standing near, I said:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“He cannot hear it blowing!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“’Course not,” said he: “the feller’s dead—</p>
+<p class="poetry">He can’t hear nowt [sic] that’s going.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Too true,” I said; “alas, too true—</p>
+<p class="poetry">No sound his sense can quicken!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Well, mister, wot is that to you?&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The deadster ain’t a-kickin’.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">I knelt and prayed: “O Father, smile</p>
+<p class="poetry">On him, and mercy show him!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">That countryman looked on the while,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And said: “Ye didn’t know him.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Pobeter Dunko</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gravitation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to
+the quantity of matter they contain—the quantity of matter they contain being
+ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is
+a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of
+B, makes B the proof of A.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">great</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“I’m great,” the Lion said—“I reign</p>
+<p class="poetry">The monarch of the wood and plain!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Elephant replied: “I’m great—</p>
+<p class="poetry">No quadruped can match my weight!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“I’m great—no animal has half</p>
+<p class="poetry">So long a neck!” said the Giraffe.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“I’m great,” the Kangaroo said—“see</p>
+<p class="poetry">My femoral muscularity!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The ‘Possum said: “I’m great—behold,</p>
+<p class="poetry">My tail is lithe and bald and cold!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">An Oyster fried was understood</p>
+<p class="poetry">To say: “I’m great because I’m good!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Each reckons greatness to consist</p>
+<p class="poetry">In that in which he heads the list,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And Vierick thinks he tops his class</p>
+<p class="poetry">Because he is the greatest ass.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Arion Spurl Doke</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">guillotine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.</p>
+
+<p>In his great work on <i>Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution</i>,
+the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture&#8212;
+the shrug—among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is
+simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside the shell. It is
+with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an authority, but in my judgment
+(as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled <i>Hereditary Emotions</i>&#8212;lib. II, c. XI) the
+shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, for
+previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt that
+it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine during the
+period of that instrument’s activity.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">gunpowder</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might
+become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of
+gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton
+says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems
+to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty
+concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.</p>
+
+<p>Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government
+experimental farm in the District of Columbia. One day, several years ago, a
+rogue imperfectly reverent of the Secretary’s profound attainments and personal
+character presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of
+the <i>Flashawful flabbergastor</i>, a
+Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate.
+The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward
+inhume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous
+line of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look
+backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a lighted
+match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the earth had
+somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued
+by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and fierce evolution. He stood for a
+moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement and,
+dropping all, absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the
+eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak
+prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and
+audibly refusing to be comforted. “Great Scott! what is that?” cried a
+surveyor’s chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading line of
+agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. “That,” said the surveyor,
+carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again centering his attention upon
+his instrument, “is the Meridian of Washington.”</p>
+
+
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: H</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>H</h1>
+
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">habeas corpus.</span> A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">habit</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A shackle for the free.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hades</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The lower world;
+the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live.</p>
+
+<p>Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most
+respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed,
+the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been
+removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process
+of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a
+majority vote on translating the Greek word “Aides” as “Hell”; but a
+conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and
+struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting,
+the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and
+said with considerable excitement: “Gentlemen, somebody has been razing ‘Hell’
+here!” Years afterward the good prelate’s death was made sweet by the
+reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an
+important, serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English
+tongue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hag</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old
+witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads
+were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus—hag being the popular
+name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one
+time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a “beautiful hag, all
+smiles,” much as Shakespeare said, “sweet wench.” It would not now be proper to
+call your sweetheart a hag—that compliment is reserved for the use of her
+grandchildren.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">half</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In
+the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and
+philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves;
+and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that
+God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
+unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of
+that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus,
+however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">halo</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently
+confounded with “aureola,” or “nimbus,” a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a
+head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion,
+produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is
+conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop’s mitre,
+or the Pope’s tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist
+of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass
+nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting
+honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly
+grace.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hand</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into
+somebody’s pocket.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">handkerchief</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face
+and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The
+handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and
+intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare’s introducing it into the play
+of “Othello” is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr.
+Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own
+day—an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hangman</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost
+gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal
+ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an
+electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently
+been ordered—the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody
+questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">happiness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">harangue</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">harbor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">harmonists</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the
+last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hash,</span> <span class="pos">x.</span> There is no definition for this word—nobody knows what hash is.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hatchet</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man’s head.</p>
+<p class="poetry">John Lukkus</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hatred</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">head-money</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A capitation tax, or poll-tax.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">In ancient times there lived a king</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whose tax-collectors could not wring</p>
+<p class="poetry">From all his subjects gold enough</p>
+<p class="poetry">To make the royal way less rough.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For pleasure’s highway, like the dames</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whose premises adjoin it, claims</p>
+<p class="poetry">Perpetual repairing. So</p>
+<p class="poetry">The tax-collectors in a row</p>
+<p class="poetry">Appeared before the throne to pray</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their master to devise some way</p>
+<p class="poetry">To swell the revenue. “So great,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Said they, “are the demands of state</p>
+<p class="poetry">A tithe of all that we collect</p>
+<p class="poetry">Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:</p>
+<p class="poetry">How, if one-tenth we must resign,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Can we exist on t’other nine?”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The monarch asked them in reply:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Has it occurred to you to try</p>
+<p class="poetry">The advantage of economy?”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“It has,” the spokesman said: “we sold</p>
+<p class="poetry">All of our gray garrotes of gold;</p>
+<p class="poetry">With plated-ware we now compress</p>
+<p class="poetry">The necks of those whom we assess.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Plain iron forceps we employ</p>
+<p class="poetry">To mitigate the miser’s joy</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who hoards, with greed that never tires,</p>
+<p class="poetry">That which your Majesty requires.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Deep lines of thought were seen to plow</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their way across the royal brow.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Your state is desperate, no question;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Pray favor me with a suggestion.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“O King of Men,” the spokesman said,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“If you’ll impose upon each head</p>
+<p class="poetry">A tax, the augmented revenue</p>
+<p class="poetry">We’ll cheerfully divide with you.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">As flashes of the sun illume</p>
+<p class="poetry">The parted storm-cloud’s sullen gloom,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The king smiled grimly. “I decree</p>
+<p class="poetry">That it be so—and, not to be</p>
+<p class="poetry">In generosity outdone,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Declare you, each and every one,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Exempted from the operation</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of this new law of capitation.</p>
+<p class="poetry">But lest the people censure me</p>
+<p class="poetry">Because they’re bound and you are free,</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Twere well some clever scheme were laid</p>
+<p class="poetry">By you this poll-tax to evade.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’ll leave you now while you confer</p>
+<p class="poetry">With my most trusted minister.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The monarch from the throne-room walked</p>
+<p class="poetry">And straightway in among them stalked</p>
+<p class="poetry">A silent man, with brow concealed,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Bare-armed—his gleaming axe revealed!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hearse</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Death’s baby-carriage.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">heart</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be
+the esat of emotions and sentiments—a very pretty fancy which, however, is
+nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the
+sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by
+chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak
+becomes a feeling—tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which
+it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar
+sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram;
+the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious
+contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility—these things have been
+patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing
+lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, <i>The Essential Identity of the Spiritual
+Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion</i>&#8212;4to, 687 pp.) In
+a scientific work entitled, I believe, <i>Delectatio
+Demonorum</i> (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the
+sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult
+Professor Dam’s famous treatise on <i>Love as a
+Product of Alimentary Maceration</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">heat</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of motion, but I know now how he’s proving</p>
+<p class="poetry">His point; but this I know—hot words bestowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. <i>Crede expertum</i>&#8212;I have seen them, child.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Gorton Swope</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">heathen</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and
+feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University,
+Hebrews are heathens.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“The Hebrews are heathens!” says Howison. He’s</p>
+<p class="poetry">A Christian philosopher. I’m</p>
+<p class="poetry">A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Addicted too much to the crime</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of religious discussion in my rhyme.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree</p>
+<p class="poetry">On a <i>modus vivendi</i>&#8212;not they!&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And I haven’t been reared in a way</p>
+<p class="poetry">To joy in the thick of the fray.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And the truth of it I aver:</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who differs from me in his faith is an ‘ist,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And ‘ite, an ‘ie, or an ‘er—</p>
+<p class="poetry">And I’m down upon him or her!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin</p>
+<p class="poetry">Toleration—that’s all very well,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But a roast is “nuts” to his nostril thin,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And he’s running—I know by the smell—</p>
+<p class="poetry">A secret and personal Hell!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Bissell Gip</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">heaven</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs,
+and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hebrew</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">helpmate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A wife, or bitter half.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Says the priest. “Since the time ‘o yer wooin’ She’s niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at—</p>
+<p class="poetry">For it’s naught ye are ever doin’.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“That’s true of yer Riverence [sic],” Patrick replies,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And no sign of contrition envices;</p>
+<p class="poetry">“But, bedad, it’s a fact which the word implies,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Marley Wottel</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hemp</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put
+on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hermit</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hers,</span> <span class="pos">pron.</span> His.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hibernate</span>, <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular
+popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the
+bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking
+its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so
+lean that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries
+ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the
+winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in
+globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom and
+account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia
+a whole nation of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of
+Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to
+which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously
+opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors
+denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hippogriff</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was
+itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was
+actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents
+in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">historian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A broad-gauge gossip.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">history</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by
+rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis nine-tenths lying.<br />
+Faith, I wish ‘twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,<br />
+Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Salder Bupp</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hog</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that
+of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article
+of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is
+chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus
+has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of
+this dicky-bird is <i>Porcus Rockefelleri</i>.
+Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of
+resemblance.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">homoeopathist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The humorist of the medical profession.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">homoeopathy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last
+both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure
+imaginary diseases, and they can not.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">homicide</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious,
+excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to
+the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another—the classification is
+for advantage of the lawyers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">homiletics</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions
+of the congregation.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">So skilled the parson was in homiletics</p>
+<p class="poetry">That all his normal purges and emetics</p>
+<p class="poetry">To medicine the spirit were compounded</p>
+<p class="poetry">With a most just discrimination founded</p>
+<p class="poetry">Upon a rigorous examination</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then, having diagnosed each one’s condition,</p>
+<p class="poetry">His scriptural specifics this physician</p>
+<p class="poetry">Administered—his pills so efficacious</p>
+<p class="poetry">And pukes of disposition so vivacious</p>
+<p class="poetry">That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam<br />
+Were convalescent ere they knew they had ‘em.<br />
+But Slander’s tongue—itself all coated—uttered<br />
+Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered<br />
+That in the case of patients having money<br />
+The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.</p>
+<p class="citeauth"><i>Biography of Bishop Potter</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">honorable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to
+mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hope</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Desire and expectation rolled into one.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;</p>
+<p class="poetry">When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
+With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
+While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
+The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
+Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
+The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.</p>
+<p class="citeauth"><span class="def">Fogarty Weffing</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hospitality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need
+of food and lodging.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hostility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth’s overpopulation. Hostility
+is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman
+for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Houri</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good
+Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his
+earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to
+be held in deficient esteem.</p>
+
+<p id="house" class="entry"><span class="def">house</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly,
+mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. <i>House
+of Correction</i>, a place of reward for political and personal service,
+and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. <i>House of God</i>, a building with a steeple
+and a mortgage on it. <i>House-dog</i>,
+a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and
+appal the hardy visitor. <i>House-maid</i>,
+a youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable
+and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">houseless</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having paid all taxes on household goods.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hovel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The fruit of a flower called the Palace.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Twaddle had a hovel,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Twiddle had a palace;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Twaddle said: “I’ll grovel</p>
+<p class="poetry">Or he’ll think I bear him malice”—</p>
+<p class="poetry">A sentiment as novel</p>
+<p class="poetry">As a castor on a chalice.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Down upon the middle</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of his legs fell Twaddle</p>
+<p class="poetry">And astonished Mr. Twiddle,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who began to lift his noddle.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Feed upon the fiddle&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Faddle flummery, unswaddle</p>
+<p class="poetry">A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">humanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">humorist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh’s heart and
+persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind</p>
+<p class="poetry">See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A graceful hog would bear his company.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Alexander Poke</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hurricane</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the
+tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies
+and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the
+construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the
+hurricane’s usefulness has outlasted it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hurry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The dispatch of bunglers.</p>
+
+<p id="husband" class="entry"><span class="def">husband</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hybrid</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A pooled issue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hydra</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hyena</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at
+night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hypochondriasis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Depression of one’s own spirits.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot<br />
+Where long the village rubbish had been shot<br />
+Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps—<br />
+“Hypochondriasis.” It meant The Dumps.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Bogul S. Purvy</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">hypocrite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One who, profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of
+seeming to be what he depises.</p>
+
+
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: I</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>I</h1>
+
+
+<p>I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of
+the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the
+first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be <i>We</i>, but how there can be more than one
+myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this
+incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The
+frank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the
+latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Ichor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Restrained the raging chief and said:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Mary Doke</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">iconoclast</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the
+performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not
+reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have
+other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But
+the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if
+the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him
+and sit thereon till he squawk it.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">idiot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been
+dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special
+field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the
+last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and
+opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct
+with a dead-line.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">idleness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A model farm where the
+devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ignoramus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and
+having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Dumble was an ignoramus,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Mumble was for learning famous.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Mumble said one day to Dumble:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Ignorance should be more humble.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Not a spark have you of knowledge</p>
+<p class="poetry">That was got in any college.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly</p>
+<p class="poetry">You’re self-satisfied unduly.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of things in college I’m denied</p>
+<p class="poetry">A knowledge—you of all beside.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Borelli</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">illuminati</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called
+because they were light weights—<i>cunctationes illuminati</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">illustrious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">imagination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">imbecility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">immigrant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">immodest</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">There was once a man in Ispahan</p>
+<p class="poetry">Ever and ever so long ago,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And he had a head, the phrenologists said,</p>
+<p class="poetry">That fitted him for a show.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump</p>
+<p class="poetry">(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)</p>
+<p class="poetry">That its summit stood far above the wood</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of his hair, like a mountain peak.</p>
+<p class="poetry">So modest a man in all Ispahan,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Over and over again they swore—</p>
+<p class="poetry">So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;</p>
+<p class="poetry">None ever was found before.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Meantime the hump of that awful bump</p>
+<p class="poetry">Into the heavens contrived to get</p>
+<p class="poetry">To so great a height that they called the wight</p>
+<p class="poetry">The man with the minaret.</p>
+<p class="poetry">There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan</p>
+<p class="poetry">Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:</p>
+<p class="poetry">With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung</p>
+<p class="poetry">He bragged of that beautiful bump</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page</p>
+<p class="poetry">Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And that gentle child explained as he smiled:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“A little present for you.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The saddest man in all Ispahan,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“If I’d lived,” said he, “my humility</p>
+<p class="poetry">Had given me deathless fame!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">immoral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men
+find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.
+If man’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of
+expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if
+actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent
+on, their consequences—then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">immorality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A toy which people cry for,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And on their knees apply for,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Dispute, contend and lie for,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And if allowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">Would be right proud</p>
+<p class="poetry">Eternally to die for.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">impale</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This,
+however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an
+upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.
+This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity,
+and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the
+beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in “churching”
+heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “stoole of repentynge,” and
+among the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one legged
+horse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the
+most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China
+it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in
+cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be
+a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was
+made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain
+satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock
+on the spire of the True Church.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">impartial</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a
+controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">impenitence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">impiety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Your irreverence toward my deity.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">imposition</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The act of blessing
+or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed
+with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Lo! by the laying on of hands,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Say parson, priest and dervise,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“We consecrate your cash and lands</p>
+<p class="poetry">To ecclesiastical service.</p>
+<p class="poetry">No doubt you’ll swear till all is blue</p>
+<p class="poetry">At such an imposition. Do.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Pollo Doncas</p>
+<p class="poetry">impostor n. A rival aspirant to public honors.</p>
+<p class="poetry">improbability, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+<p class="poetry">His tale he told with a solemn face</p>
+<p class="poetry">And a tender, melancholy grace.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Improbable ‘twas, no doubt,</p>
+<p class="poetry">When you came to think it out,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But the fascinated crowd</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their deep surprise avowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">And all with a single voice averred ‘Twas the most amazing thing they’d heard—</p>
+<p class="poetry">All save one who spake never a word,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But sat as mum</p>
+<p class="poetry">As if deaf and dumb,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Serene, indifferent and unstirred.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Scanned him alive;</p>
+<p class="poetry">But he seemed to thrive</p>
+<p class="poetry">And tranquiler grow each minute,</p>
+<p class="poetry">As if there were nothing in it.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed</p>
+<p class="poetry">At what our friend has told?” He raised</p>
+<p class="poetry">Soberly then his eyes and gazed</p>
+<p class="poetry">In a natural way</p>
+<p class="poetry">And proceeded to say,</p>
+<p class="poetry">As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“O no—not at all; I’m a liar myself.”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">improvidence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">impunity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Wealth.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">inadmissible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries
+are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore,
+rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is
+inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court
+for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial
+and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no
+religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation
+is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
+testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who
+are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as
+they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its
+support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the
+battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius
+Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.</p>
+
+<p>But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and
+malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence
+(including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft
+and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges’
+decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing
+court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human
+testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">inauspiciously</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans
+it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to
+obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome;
+and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in
+observing the flight of birds—the omens thence derived being called <i>auspices</i>. Newspaper reporters and certain
+miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word—always in the plural—shall
+mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices
+of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were
+auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A Roman slave appeared one day</p>
+<p class="poetry">Before the Augur. “Tell me, pray,</p>
+<p class="poetry">If—“ here the Augur, smiling, made</p>
+<p class="poetry">A checking gesture and displayed</p>
+<p class="poetry">His open palm, which plainly itched,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For visibly its surface twitched.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A <i>denarius</i> (the Latin nickel)</p>
+<p class="poetry">Successfully allayed the tickle,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And then the slave proceeded: “Please</p>
+<p class="poetry">Inform me whether Fate decrees</p>
+<p class="poetry">Success or failure in what I</p>
+<p class="poetry">To-night (if it be dark) shall try.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Its nature? Never mind—I think</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis writ on this”—and with a wink</p>
+<p class="poetry">Which darkened half the earth, he drew</p>
+<p class="poetry">Another denarius to view,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Its shining face attentive scanned,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then slipped it into the good man’s hand,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who with great gravity said: “Wait</p>
+<p class="poetry">While I retire to question Fate.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">That holy person then withdrew</p>
+<p class="poetry">His scared clay and, passing through</p>
+<p class="poetry">The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Waving his robe of office. Straight</p>
+<p class="poetry">Each sacred peacock and its mate</p>
+<p class="poetry">(Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled</p>
+<p class="poetry">With clamor from the trees o’erhead,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where they were perching for the night.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The temple’s roof received their flight,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For thither they would always go,</p>
+<p class="poetry">When danger threatened them below.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Back to the slave the Augur went:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“My son, forecasting the event</p>
+<p class="poetry">By flight of birds, I must confess</p>
+<p class="poetry">The auspices deny success.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">That slave retired, a sadder man,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Abandoning his secret plan—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Which was (as well the craft seer</p>
+<p class="poetry">Had from the first divined) to clear</p>
+<p class="poetry">The wall and fraudulently seize</p>
+<p class="poetry">On Juno’s poultry in the trees.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p id="income" class="entry"><span class="def">income</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted
+standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as “Sir Sycophas
+Chrysolater” in the play has justly remarked, “the true use and function of
+property (in whatsoever it consisteth—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff,
+or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s own
+subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor
+and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence
+it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of
+their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in
+agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad
+and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper
+favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches
+are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and
+rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">incompatibility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility
+may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It
+has even been known to wear a moustache.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">incompossible</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible
+when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for
+both—as Walt Whitman’s poetry and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will
+be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “Go
+heel yourself—I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we are
+incompossible,” would convey and equally significant intimation and in stately
+courtesy are altogether superior.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Incubus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may
+be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of <i>incubi</i> and <i>succubi</i>, including <i>incubae</i>
+and <i>succubae</i>, see the <i>Liber Demonorum</i> of Protassus (Paris,
+1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a
+dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools.</p>
+
+<p>Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself—tempted more than elsewhere
+by the beauty of the women, doubtless—sometimes plays at <i>incubus</i>, greatly to the inconvenience and
+alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally
+speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might,
+in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy man
+said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a
+doubt of the efficacy of the test.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">incumbent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">indecision</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+chief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is
+but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety,
+only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth
+still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”—a
+most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Your prompt decision to attack,” said Genera Grant
+on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutes
+to make up your mind in.”</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate,
+“it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt
+whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment—I toss us a copper.”</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”</p>
+<p class="dialog">“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">indifferent</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Imperfectly
+sensible to distinctions among things.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife,<br />
+“You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”<br />
+“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;<br />
+“I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Apuleius M. Gokul</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">indigestion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious
+conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of
+the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plenty
+well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">indiscretion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The guilt of woman.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">inexpedient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Not calculated
+to advance one’s interests.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">infancy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The
+world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Inferiae,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices
+for propitation of the <i>Dii Manes</i>, or souls of the dead heroes;
+for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual
+needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might
+say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was
+while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest
+of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, who
+prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of
+Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events
+down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point,
+owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King
+of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this
+story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious
+but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on
+the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’s
+judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow—wow.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">infidel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In New
+York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople,
+one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and
+niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons,
+monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes,
+nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins,
+brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries,
+pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops,
+bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers,
+curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries,
+diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,
+hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,
+postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
+reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes,
+readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers,
+dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes,
+rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">influence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In politics,
+a visionary <i>quo</i> given in exchange for a substantial <i>quid</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Infalapsarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind
+to—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s
+fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called
+Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their
+views about Adam.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Two theologues once, as they wended their way</p>
+<p class="poetry">To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray—</p>
+<p class="poetry">An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.<br />
+“’Twas Predestination,” cried one—“for the Lord<br />
+Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”<br />
+“Not so—‘twas Free will,” the other maintained,<br />
+“Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”<br />
+So fierce and so fiery grew the debate<br />
+That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;</p>
+<p class="poetry">So off flew their
+cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went
+round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning,
+the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a
+scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they
+clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will)</p>
+<p class="poetry">Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:</p>
+<p class="poetry">Atwixt ye’s no
+difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to—I’m ready to swear Ye
+wrongly interpret the names that they bear. <i>You</i>
+&#8212;Infralapsarian son of a clown!&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Should only contend that Adam slipped down;</p>
+<p class="poetry">While <i>you</i>&#8212;you Supralapsarian pup!&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.</p>
+<p class="poetry">It’s all the same whether up or down</p>
+<p class="poetry">You slip on a peel of banana brown.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ingrate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The good philanthropist replied;</p>
+<p class="poetry">“I did great service to a man one day</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who never since has cursed me to repay,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nor vilified.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—</p>
+<p class="poetry">With veneration I am overcome,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate—</p>
+<p class="poetry">He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state</p>
+<p class="poetry">This man is dumb.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Ariel Selp</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">injury</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">injustice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is
+lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ink</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used
+to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The
+properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make
+reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is
+most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones
+of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal
+quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established
+ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not
+infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much
+to get out.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">innate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Natural,
+inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having
+had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the
+most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore
+inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given
+it “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s
+ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the
+superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs
+and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">in’ards</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class
+the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr.
+Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is
+nothing less than our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P.
+Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which
+forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points
+confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these
+two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">inscription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something
+written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial,
+intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to
+distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of
+inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington
+monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See
+EPITAPH.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“In the sky my soul is found,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And my body in the ground.</p>
+<p class="poetry">By and by my body’ll rise</p>
+<p class="poetry">To my spirit in the skies,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Soaring up to Heaven’s gate.</p>
+<p class="poetry">1878.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9<sup>th</sup>, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos.
+and 12 ds. Indigenous.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Affliction sore long time she boar,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Phisicians was in vain,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till Deth released the dear deceased</p>
+<p class="poetry">And left her a remain.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“The clay that rests beneath this stone</p>
+<p class="poetry">As Silas Wood was widely known.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Now, lying here, I ask what good</p>
+<p class="poetry">It was to let me be S. Wood.</p>
+<p class="poetry">O Man, let not ambition trouble you,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is the advice of Silas W.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">“Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct.
+3, 1874.”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">insectivora</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers, “How Providence provides for all His creatures!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“His care,” the gnat said, “even the insects follows:</p>
+<p class="poetry">For us He has provided wrens and swallows.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Sempen Railey</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">insurance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the
+comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: My
+dear sir, that is a fine house—pray let me insure it.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the
+time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be
+destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no—we could not afford to do that. </p>
+
+<p class="dialog">We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can <i>I</i> afford <i>that</i>?</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. </p>
+
+<p class="dialog">There was Smith’s house, for example, which—</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Spare me—there were Brown’s house, on the contrary, and
+Jones’s house, and Robinson’s house, which—</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Spare <i>me</i>!</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the
+supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself
+for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not
+last so long as you say that it will probably last.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon—by your own actuary’s tables I shall probably
+have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to
+you—amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But
+suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are
+based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were insured?</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures
+with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don’t I help to pay their losses? Are not
+their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you as much as you
+must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more money from
+your clients than you pay to them, do you not?</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not—</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well then. If it is <i>certain</i>, with
+reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is <i>probable</i>, with
+reference to any one of them, that <i>he</i> will. It is these individual
+probabilities that make the aggregate certainty.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it—but look at the figures in this pamph—</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to
+me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B’s money is not peculiar to
+insurance, but as a charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept
+its expression from a Deserving Object.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">insurrection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection’s failure to substitute misrule for bad government.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">intention</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+mind’s sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an
+effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of
+an involuntary act.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">interpreter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by
+repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for
+the other to have said.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">interregnum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the
+cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has
+commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy
+persons to make it warm again.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">intimacy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue</p>
+<p class="poetry">And one in white, together drew</p>
+<p class="poetry">And having each a pleasant sense</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of t’other powder’s excellence,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Forsook their jackets for the snug</p>
+<p class="poetry">Enjoyment of a common mug.</p>
+<p class="poetry">So close their intimacy grew</p>
+<p class="poetry">One paper would have held the two.</p>
+<p class="poetry">To confidences straight they fell,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Less anxious each to hear than tell;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then each remorsefully confessed</p>
+<p class="poetry">To all the virtues he possessed,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Acknowledging he had them in</p>
+<p class="poetry">So high degree it was a sin.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The more they said, the more they felt</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their spirits with emotion melt,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till tears of sentiment expressed</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their feelings. Then they effervesced!</p>
+<p class="poetry">So Nature executes her feats</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of wrath on friends and sympathetes</p>
+<p class="poetry">The good old rule who don’t apply,</p>
+<p class="poetry">That you are you and I am I.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">introduction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and
+the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent
+development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political
+system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that
+everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to
+introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should
+have read thus:</p>
+
+<p class="quote">“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are
+endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are
+life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an
+incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to
+introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not
+already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another’s happiness with a
+running pack of strangers.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">inventor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and
+believes it civilization.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">irreligion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+principal one of the great faiths of the world.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">itch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+patriotism of a Scotchman.</p>
+
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: J</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+<h1>J</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara">J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel—than which nothing could be more
+absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of
+the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing
+for a Latin verb, <i>jacere</i>, “to throw,” because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog’s tail assumes that
+shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr.
+Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions
+on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being
+reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">jealous</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unduly
+concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">jester</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+officer formerly attached to a king’s household, whose business it was to amuse
+the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by
+his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the
+world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were
+sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all
+mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have
+ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the
+circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection
+of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the
+marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The widow-queen of Portugal</p>
+<p class="poetry">Had an audacious jester</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who entered the confessional</p>
+<p class="poetry">Disguised, and there confessed her.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Father,” she said, “thine ear bend down—</p>
+<p class="poetry">My sins are more than scarlet:</p>
+<p class="poetry">I love my fool—blaspheming clown,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And common, base-born varlet.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Daughter,” the mimic priest replied,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“That sin, indeed, is awful:</p>
+<p class="poetry">The church’s pardon is denied</p>
+<p class="poetry"> To love that is unlawful.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“But since thy stubborn heart will be</p>
+<p class="poetry">For him forever pleading,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Thou’dst better make him, by decree,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A man of birth and breeding.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">She made the fool a duke, in hope</p>
+<p class="poetry">With Heaven’s taboo to palter;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then told a priest, who told the Pope,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who damned her from the altar!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Barel Dort</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Jews-harp</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Joss-sticks</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Small
+sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">justice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the
+citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.</p>
+
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: K</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>K</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara">K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the
+Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In
+their tongue it was called <i>Klatch</i>, which means “destroyed.” The form of the letter was originally precisely that
+of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its
+present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by
+an earthquake, <i>circa</i> 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was
+broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier
+form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it
+is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and
+natural—not to say touching—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national
+memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional
+mnemonic, or if the name was always <i>Klatch</i> and the destruction one of nature’s pums. As each theory seems probable enough,
+I see no objection to believing both—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">keep</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He willed away his whole estate,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And then in death he fell asleep,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Murmuring: “Well, at any rate,</p>
+<p class="poetry">My name unblemished I shall keep.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">But when upon the tomb ‘twas wrought Whose was it?&#8212;for the dead keep naught.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Durang Gophel Arn</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">kill</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+create a vacancy without nominating a successor.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">kilt</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A costume
+sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">kindness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.</p>
+
+<p id="king" class="entry"><span class="def">king</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A male
+person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,” although he never wears a
+crown and has usually no head to speak of.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A king, in times long, long gone by,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Said to his lazy jester:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“If I were you and you were I</p>
+<p class="poetry">My moments merrily would fly—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nor care nor grief to pester.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The fool said—“if you’ll hear it—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is that of all the fools alive</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who own you for their sovereign, I’ve</p>
+<p class="poetry">The most forgiving spirit.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Oogum Bem</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">King’s Evil</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be
+treated by the physicians. Thus ‘the most pious Edward” of England used to lay
+his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole—</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">a crowd of wretched souls</p>
+<p class="poetry">That stay his cure: their malady convinces</p>
+<p class="poetry">The great essay of art; but at his touch,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,</p>
+<p class="poetry">They presently amend,</p>
+<p class="poetry">as the “Doctor” in <i>Macbeth</i> hath it. This useful property of the </p>
+<p class="poetry">royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown </p>
+<p class="poetry">properties; for according to “Malcolm,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction.</p>
+<p class="poetry">But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of
+England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the
+name “king’s evil” now bears the humbler one of “scrofula,” from <i>scrofa</i>, a sow. The date and author of the
+following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is
+old enough to show that the jest about Scotland’s national disorder is not a
+thing of yesterday.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He layde his hand on mine and sayd:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Be gone!” Ye ill no longer stayd.</p>
+<p class="poetry">But O ye wofull plyght in wh.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’m now y-pight: I have ye itche!</p>
+<p class="poetry">The superstitionth at maladies can be cured by royal taction is </p>
+<p class="poetry">dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of </p>
+<p class="poetry">custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and </p>
+<p class="poetry">shaking the President’s hand had no other origin, and when that great </p>
+<p class="poetry">dignitary bestows his healing salutation on</p>
+<p class="poetry">strangely visited people,</p>
+<p class="poetry">All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The mere despair of surgery,</p>
+<p class="poetry">he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the
+altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and
+edifying “survival”—one which brings the sainted past close home in our “business and bosoms.”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">kiss</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A word
+invented by the poets as a rhyme for “bliss.” It is supposed to signify, in a
+general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good
+understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">kleptomaniac</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+rich thief.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">knight</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Once a warrior gentle of birth,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then a person of civic worth,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Now a fellow to move our mirth.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Warrior, person, and fellow—no more:</p>
+<p class="poetry">We must knight our dogs to get any lower.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.</p>
+<p class="poetry">God speed the day when this knighting fad</p>
+<p class="poetry">Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Koran</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A book
+which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine
+inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory
+to the Holy Scriptures.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: L</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+<h1>L</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">labor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
+the processes by which A acquires property for B.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">land</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A part of
+the earth’s surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property
+subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society,
+and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical
+conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living;
+for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws
+of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows
+that if the whole area of <i>terra firma</i>
+is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born,
+or, born as trespassers, to exist.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A life on the ocean wave,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A home on the rolling deep,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For the spark the nature gave</p>
+<p class="poetry">I have there the right to keep.</p>
+<p class="poetry">They give me the cat-o’-nine</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whenever I go ashore.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then ho! for the flashing brine—</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’m a natural commodore!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Dodle</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">language</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Laocoon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his
+two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with
+which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work
+have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the
+mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lap</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of the
+most important organs of the female system—an admirable provision of nature for
+the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support
+plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a
+rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the
+animal’s substantial welfare.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">last</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+shoemaker’s implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the
+maker of puns.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where the cobbler is unknown,</p>
+<p class="poetry">So that I might forget his last</p>
+<p class="poetry">And hear your own.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Gargo Repsky</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">laughter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by
+inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability
+to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from
+the animals—these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his
+example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in
+bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by
+inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by
+experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infection character of
+laughter is due to the instantaneous fermentation of <i>sputa</i> diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names
+the disorder <i>Convulsio spargens</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">laureate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Crowned
+with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the
+sovereign’s court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and
+singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office,
+Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy
+and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which
+enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national
+crime.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">laurel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The <i>laurus</i>, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo,
+and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had
+influence at court. (<i>Vide supra.</i>)</p>
+
+<p id="law" class="entry"><span class="def">law</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Once Law was sitting on the bench,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And Mercy knelt a-weeping.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Clear out!” he cried, “disordered wench!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nor come before me creeping.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Upon your knees if you appear,</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis plain your have no standing here.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then Justice came. His Honor cried:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“<i>Your</i> status?&#8212;devil seize you!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“<i>Amica curiae,</i>” she replied—</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Friend of the court, so please you.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Begone!” he shouted—“there’s the door—</p>
+<p class="poetry">I never saw your face before!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lawful</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Compatible
+with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.</p>
+
+<p id="lawyer" class="entry"><span class="def">lawyer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+skilled in circumvention of the law.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">laziness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Unwarranted
+repose of manner in a person of low degree.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lead</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A heavy
+blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers—particularly to
+those who love not wisely but other men’s wives. Lead is also of great service
+as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of
+debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international
+controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is
+precipitated in great quantities.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Hail, holy Lead!&#8212;of human feuds the great</p>
+<p class="poetry">And universal arbiter; endowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">With penetration to pierce any cloud</p>
+<p class="poetry">Fogging the field of controversial hate,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And with a sift, inevitable, straight,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Searching precision find the unavowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed</p>
+<p class="poetry">By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.</p>
+<p class="poetry">O useful metal!&#8212;were it not for thee</p>
+<p class="poetry">We’d grapple one another’s ears alway:</p>
+<p class="poetry">But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee</p>
+<p class="poetry">We, like old Muhlenberg, “care not to stay.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">And when the quick have run away like pellets</p>
+<p class="poetry">Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">learning</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lecturer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">legacy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A gift
+from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">leonine</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unlike
+a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a
+line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Cries Pluto, ‘twixt his snores: “O tempora! O mores!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach pronunciation of the
+Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named
+Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the
+first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be run into a single line.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lettuce</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+herb of the genus <i>Lactuca</i>, “Wherewith,” says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, “God has been pleased
+to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous
+man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency
+whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and
+ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart
+of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth
+is successfully tempted to the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of
+oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted
+with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal
+pang of strange complexity and raises the song.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">leviathan</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the
+whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University,
+maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole
+(<i>Thaddeus Polandensis</i>) or Polliwig&#8212;<i>Maria
+pseudo-hirsuta</i>. For an exhaustive description and history of the
+Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Potter, <i>Thaddeus of Warsaw</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lexicographer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in
+the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen
+its flexibility and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having
+written his dictionary, comes to be considered “as one having authority,”
+whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural
+servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power,
+surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were
+a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as “obsolete” or
+“obsolescent” and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of
+it and however desirable its restoration to favor—whereby the process of
+improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, recognizing
+the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new
+words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartly
+reminded that “it isn’t in the dictionary”&#8212;although down to the time of the
+first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that <i>was</i> in the dictionary. In the golden prime
+and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans
+fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when
+a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing
+at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy
+preservation—sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion—the lexicographer was
+a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created
+him to create.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">God said: “Let Spirit perish into Form,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">And lexicographers arose, a swarm!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And catalogued each garment in a book.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Give me my clothes and I’ll return,” they rise</p>
+<p class="poetry">And scan the list, and say without compassion:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Excuse us—they are mostly out of fashion.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Sigismund Smith</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">liar</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A lawyer
+with a roving commission.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">liberty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
+Imagination’s most precious possessions.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The rising People, hot and out of breath,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Roared around the palace: “Liberty or death!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“If death will do,” the King said, “let me reign;</p>
+<p class="poetry">You’ll have, I’m sure, no reason to complain.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Martha Braymance</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lickspittle</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper. In his
+character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of
+occasional identity; for in truth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under
+another aspect, although the latter is frequently found as an independent
+species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the
+business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber;
+and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will
+cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">life</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension
+of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “Is life worth
+living?” has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not,
+many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by
+careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the
+honors of successful controversy.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Life’s not worth living, and that’s the truth,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Carelessly caroled the golden youth.</p>
+<p class="poetry">In manhood still he maintained that view</p>
+<p class="poetry">And held it more strongly the older he grew.</p>
+<p class="poetry">When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Go fetch me a surgeon at once!” cried he.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Han Soper</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lighthouse</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">limb</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">‘Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And the salesman laced them tight</p>
+<p class="poetry">To a very remarkable height—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Higher, indeed, than I think he ought—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Higher than <i>can</i> be right.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For the Bible declares—but never mind:</p>
+<p class="poetry">It is hardly fit</p>
+<p class="poetry">To censure freely and fault to find</p>
+<p class="poetry">With others for sins that I’m not inclined</p>
+<p class="poetry">Myself to commit.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Each has his weakness, and though my own</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is freedom from every sin,</p>
+<p class="poetry">It still were unfair to pitch in,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Discharging the first censorious stone.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Besides, the truth compels me to say,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The boots in question were <i>made</i> that way.</p>
+<p class="poetry">As he drew the lace she made a grimace,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And blushingly said to him:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“This boot, I’m sure, is too high to endure, It hurts my—hurts my—limb.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The salesman smiled in a manner mild,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Like an artless, undesigning child;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then, checking himself, to his face he gave</p>
+<p class="poetry">A look as sorrowful as the grave,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Though he didn’t care two figs</p>
+<p class="poetry">For her paints and throes,</p>
+<p class="poetry">As he stroked her toes,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Remarking with speech and manner just</p>
+<p class="poetry">Befitting his calling: “Madam, I trust</p>
+<p class="poetry">That it doesn’t hurt your twigs.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">B. Percival Dike</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">linen</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> “A kind
+of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of
+hemp.”—Calcraft the Hangman.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">litigant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">litigation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">liver</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A large
+red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments
+and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were
+anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the
+emotional side of human nature, calls it “our hepaticall parte.” It was at one
+time considered the seat of life; hence its name—liver, the thing we live with.
+The liver is heaven’s best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be
+unable to supply us with the Strasbourg <i>pate</i>.</p>
+
+<p>LL.D. Letters indicating the degree <i>Legumptionorum Doctor</i>,
+one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon
+this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly <i>LL.d.</i>, and conferred only upon gentlemen
+distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University
+is considering the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place
+of the old D.D.&#8212;<i>Damnator Diaboli</i>.
+The new honor will be known as <i>Sanctorum Custus</i>, and written <i>$$c</i>. The name of the Rev. John Satan has
+been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points
+out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a
+degree.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lock-and-key</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Lodger</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A less
+popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the
+Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">logic</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The art
+of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and
+incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the
+syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion—thus:</p>
+
+<p><i>Major Premise</i>: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Minor Premise</i>: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; therefore—</p>
+
+<p><i>Conclusion</i>: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.</p>
+
+<p>This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we
+obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">logomachy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder
+of self-esteem—a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of
+defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton’s pen.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Alas! we cannot know if this is true,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For reading Milton’s wit we perish too.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">loganimity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">longevity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Uncommon
+extension of the fear of death.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">looking-glass</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man’s disillusion given.</p>
+
+<p class="cite">The King of
+Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, not his own
+image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the
+king’s favor and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm,
+said to the king: </p>
+
+<p class="cite">“Give me, I pray,
+thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of thine august presence I may
+yet do homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning
+in the glory of thy benign countenance, as which nothing has so divine
+splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!”</p>
+
+<p class="cite">Please with the
+speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to the courtier’s
+palace; but after, having gone thither without apprisal, he found it in an
+apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust
+and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard,
+shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this
+mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and
+that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this was done.
+But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before,
+but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its
+hinder hooves—as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before
+discerned but feared to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored
+his courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into the back of the throne and
+reigned many years with justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep
+in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous
+figure of an angel, which remains to this day.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">loquacity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to
+talk.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lord</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as,
+lord ‘Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser
+degree is addressed as “Sir,” as, Sir ‘Arry Donkiboi, or ‘Amstead ‘Eath. The
+word “Lord” is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this
+is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,<br />
+Wedded a wandering English lord—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Wedded and took him to dwell with her “paw,”<br />
+A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Lord Cadde I don’t hesitate to declare</p>
+<p class="poetry">Unworthy the father-in-legal care</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth<br />
+That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth;</p>
+<p class="poetry">For, sad to relate, he’d arrived at the stage<br />
+Of existence that’s marked by the vices of age.<br />
+Among them, cupidity caused him to urge<br />
+Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,<br />
+Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw<br />
+Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,<br />
+And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,<br />
+To the business of being a lord himself.</p>
+<p class="poetry">His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed<br />
+And sacked himself strangely in checks instead;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear<br />
+A whisker that looked like a blasted career.<br />
+He painted his neck an incarnadine hue<br />
+Each morning and varnished it all that he knew.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The moony monocular set in his eye</p>
+<p class="poetry">Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.<br />
+His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And
+his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.</p>
+<p class="poetry">In speech he eschewed his American ways,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Denying his nose to the use of his A’s</p>
+<p class="poetry">And dulling their edge till the delicate sense<br />
+Of a babe at their temper could take no offence.<br />
+His H’s—‘twas most inexpressibly sweet,<br />
+The patter they made as they fell at his feet!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear</p>
+<p class="poetry">Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Alas, the Divinity shaping his end</p>
+<p class="poetry">Entertained other views and decided to send</p>
+<p class="poetry">His lordship in horror, despair and dismay</p>
+<p class="poetry">From the land of the nobleman’s natural prey.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For, smit with his Old World ways,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Lady Cadde Fell—suffering Caesar!&#8212;in love with her dad!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lore</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Learning—particularly
+that sort which is not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes
+of the reading of occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly
+designated as folk-lore and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In
+Baring-Gould’s <i>Curious Myths of the Middle
+Ages</i> the reader will find many of these traced backward, through
+various people son converging lines, toward a common origin in remote
+antiquity. Among these are the fables of “Teddy the Giant Killer,” “The
+Sleeping John Sharp Williams,” “Little Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust,”
+“Beauty and the Brisbane,” “The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus,” “Rip Van
+Fairbanks,” and so forth. The fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under
+the title of “The Erl- King” was known two thousand years ago in Greece as “The
+Demos and the Infant Industry.” One of the most general and ancient of these
+myths is that Arabian tale of “Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">loss</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Privation
+of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a
+defeated candidate that he “lost his election”; and of that eminent man, the
+poet Gilder, that he has “lost his mind.” It is in the former and more
+legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Here Huntington’s ashes long have lain</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whose loss is our eternal gain,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For while he exercised all his powers</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">love</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the
+influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like <i>caries</i> and many other ailments, is
+prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions;
+barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from
+its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">low-bred</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> “Raised”
+instead of brought up.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">luminary</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lunarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon
+inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other
+observers, but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their
+anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the
+hill tribes of Vermont.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">lyre</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to
+denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet,
+Ella Wheeler Wilcox:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And pick with care the disobedient wire.</p>
+<p class="poetry">That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I
+bide my time, and it shall come at length, When, with a Titan’s energy and
+strength, I’ll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, The word shall suffer when
+I let them go!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Farquharson Harris</p>
+</div>
+
+
+</body>    
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
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+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: M</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>M</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A staff
+of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its
+original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">machination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+method employed by one’s opponents in baffling one’s open and honorable efforts
+to do the right thing.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">So plain the advantages of machination</p>
+<p class="poetry">It constitutes a moral obligation,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And honest wolves who think upon’t with loathing</p>
+<p class="poetry">Feel bound to don the sheep’s deceptive clothing.</p>
+<p class="poetry">So prospers still the diplomatic art,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">R. S. K.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">macrobian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly supplied
+with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of
+longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753,
+lived so long that he had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal
+peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he
+could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper
+of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in
+all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity
+(<i>macrobiosis</i>) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to
+know better. The editor of <i>The American</i>,
+a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to the time when he
+was a rascal, but not to the fact. The President of the United States was born
+so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political
+and military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses
+following were written by a macrobian:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">When I was young the world was fair</p>
+<p class="poetry">And amiable and sunny.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A brightness was in all the air,</p>
+<p class="poetry">In all the waters, honey.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The jokes were fine and funny,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The statesmen honest in their views,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And in their lives, as well,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And when you heard a bit of news</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Twas true enough to tell.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nor women “generally speaking.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Summer then was long indeed:</p>
+<p class="poetry">It lasted one whole season!</p>
+<p class="poetry">The sparkling Winter gave no heed</p>
+<p class="poetry">When ordered by Unreason</p>
+<p class="poetry">To bring the early peas on.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Now, where the dickens is the sense</p>
+<p class="poetry"> In calling that a year</p>
+<p class="poetry">Which does no more than just commence</p>
+<p class="poetry">Before the end is near?</p>
+<p class="poetry">When I was young the year extended</p>
+<p class="poetry">From month to month until it ended.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I know not why the world has changed</p>
+<p class="poetry">To something dark and dreary,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And everything is now arranged</p>
+<p class="poetry">To make a fellow weary.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Weather Man—I fear he</p>
+<p class="poetry">Has much to do with it, for, sure,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The air is not the same:</p>
+<p class="poetry">It chokes you when it is impure,</p>
+<p class="poetry">When pure it makes you lame.</p>
+<p class="poetry">With windows closed you are asthmatic;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Open, neuralgic or sciatic.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Well, I suppose this new regime</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of dun degeneration</p>
+<p class="poetry">Seems eviler than it would seem</p>
+<p class="poetry">To a better observation,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And has for compensation</p>
+<p class="poetry">Some blessings in a deep disguise</p>
+<p class="poetry">Which mortal sight has failed</p>
+<p class="poetry">To pierce, although to angels’ eyes</p>
+<p class="poetry">They’re visible unveiled.</p>
+<p class="poetry">If Age is such a boon, good land!</p>
+<p class="poetry">He’s costumed by a master hand!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Venable Strigg</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mad</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Affected
+with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of
+thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves;
+at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are
+pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For
+illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the
+faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for
+aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to
+him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the
+window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent
+delight of many thoughtless spectators.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Magdalene</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of the
+word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person than
+the penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of
+the governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is
+pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With
+their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may
+justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magic</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An art
+of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same
+high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magnet</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something
+acted upon by magnetism.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magnetism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something
+acting upon a magnet.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand
+eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light,
+to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magnificient</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having
+a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed,
+as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magnitude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Size.
+Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. If
+everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diameters
+nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain
+unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an
+understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces
+and masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the
+microscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be
+a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- fluid
+(luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the
+corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when
+contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">magpie</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A bird
+whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">maiden</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A young
+person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to
+crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever
+sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to
+the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though
+in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard
+to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field by the
+canary—which, also, is more portable.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang—</p>
+<p class="poetry">This quaint, sweet song sang she;</p>
+<p class="poetry">“It’s O for a youth with a football bang</p>
+<p class="poetry">And a muscle fair to see!</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Captain he</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of a team to be!</p>
+<p class="poetry">On the gridiron he shall shine,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A monarch by right divine,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And never to roast on it—me!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Opoline Jones</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">majesty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent
+Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of
+the ancient and honorable orders of republican America.</p>
+
+<p id="male" class="entry"><span class="def">male</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A member
+of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly
+known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers
+and bad providers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">malefactor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+chief factor in the progress of the human race.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">malthusian</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
+to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting
+population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most
+practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the
+famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mammalia</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. A
+family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their
+young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Mammon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The god
+of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He swore that all other religions were</p>
+<p class="poetry">gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jared Oopf</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">man</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animal
+so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what
+he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other
+animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent
+rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">When the world was young and Man was new,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And everything was pleasant,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Distinctions Nature never drew</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Mongst kings and priest and peasant.</p>
+<p class="poetry">We’re not that way at present,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Save here in this Republic, where</p>
+<p class="poetry">We have that old regime,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For all are kings, however bare</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their backs, howe’er extreme</p>
+<p class="poetry">Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice</p>
+<p class="poetry">To accept the tyrant of his party’s choice.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A citizen who would not vote,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And, therefore, was detested,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Was one day with a tarry coat</p>
+<p class="poetry">(With feathers backed and breasted)</p>
+<p class="poetry">By patriots invested.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“It is your duty,” cried the crowd,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Your ballot true to cast</p>
+<p class="poetry">For the man o’ your choice.” He humbly bowed,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And explained his wicked past:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“That’s what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has never run.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Apperton Duke</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">manes</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull
+discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned;
+and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Manicheism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When
+Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Manna</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A food
+miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer
+supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a
+rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">marriage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two
+slaves, making in all, two.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">martyr</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One who
+moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">material</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having
+an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Material things I know, or fell, or see;</p>
+<p class="poetry">All else is immaterial to me.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jamrach Holobom</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mausoleum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+final and funniest folly of the rich.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mayonnaise</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">me,</span> <span class="pos">pro.</span> The
+objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the
+dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">meander</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> To
+proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about
+one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the
+effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">medal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A small
+metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less
+authentic.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person,
+that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: “I save lives
+sometimes.” And sometimes he didn’t.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">medicine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A stone
+flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">meekness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Uncommon
+patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">M is for Moses,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who slew the Egyptian.</p>
+<p class="poetry">As sweet as a rose is</p>
+<p class="poetry">The meekness of Moses.</p>
+<p class="poetry">No monument shows his</p>
+<p class="poetry">Post-mortem inscription,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But M is for Moses</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who slew the Egyptian.</p>
+<p class="citeauth"><i>The Biographical Alphabet</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">meerschaum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> (Literally,
+seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay,
+which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked
+by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not
+been disclosed by the manufacturers.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">There was a youth (you’ve heard before,</p>
+<p class="poetry">This woeful tale, may be),</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore</p>
+<p class="poetry">That color it would he!</p>
+<p class="poetry">He shut himself from the world away,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nor any soul he saw.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He smoke by night, he smoked by day,</p>
+<p class="poetry">As hard as he could draw.</p>
+<p class="poetry">His dog died moaning in the wrath</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of winds that blew aloof;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The weeds were in the gravel path,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The owl was on the roof.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“He’s gone afar, he’ll come no more,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The neighbors sadly say.</p>
+<p class="poetry">And so they batter in the door</p>
+<p class="poetry">To take his goods away.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nut-brown in face and limb.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“That pipe’s a lovely white,” they say,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“But it has colored him!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The moral there’s small need to sing—</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis plain as day to you:</p>
+<p class="poetry">Don’t play your game on any thing</p>
+<p class="poetry">That is a gamester too.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Martin Bulstrode</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mendacious</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Addicted to rhetoric.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">merchant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing
+pursued is a dollar.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mercy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+attribute beloved of detected offenders.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mesmerism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Hypnotism
+before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">metropolis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+stronghold of provincialism.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">millennium</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mind</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in
+the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due
+to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin <i>mens</i>, a fact unknown to that honest
+shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor over the way had
+displayed the motto “<i>Mens conscia recti</i>,” emblazoned his own front with the
+words “Men’s, women’s and children’s conscia recti.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mine</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Belonging
+to me if I can hold or seize it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">minister</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer
+sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign’s
+hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next
+below that of an ambassador.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">minor</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Less
+objectionable.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">minstrel</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Formerly
+a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and a
+humor more than flesh and blood can bear.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">miracle</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An act
+or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand
+of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">miscreant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means
+unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology’s noblest
+contribution to the development of our language.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">misdemeanor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no
+claim to admittance into the best criminal society.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">By misdemeanors he essays to climb</p>
+<p class="poetry">Into the aristocracy of crime.</p>
+<p class="poetry">O, woe was him!&#8212;with manner chill and grand “Captains of industry” refused his hand, “Kings of
+finance” denied him recognition And “railway magnates” jeered his low
+condition. He robbed a bank to make himself respected.</p>
+<p class="poetry">They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">S. V. Hanipur</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">misericorde</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an
+unhorsed knight that he was mortal.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">misfortune</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+kind of fortune that never misses.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">miss</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The title
+with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss,
+Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words
+in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other
+of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they
+miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent
+and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to
+Mh.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">molecule</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle,
+also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the
+atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific
+theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular
+and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of
+precipitation of matter from ether—whose existence is proved by the
+condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is
+toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
+the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is
+doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monad</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See <i>Molecule</i>.)
+According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the
+monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation—Leibnitz knows him
+by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the
+universe, which the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a
+gentlmean. Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities
+needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class&#8212;
+altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confounded with the
+microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope shows
+him to be of an entirely distinct species.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monarch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of
+the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russia
+and the Orient the monarch has still a considerable influence in public affairs
+and in the disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political
+administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhat
+preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own head.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monarchical government</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Government.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Monday</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">money</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An
+evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monkey</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monosyllabic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span>
+Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of
+testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The
+words are commonly Saxon—that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute
+of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The man who writes in Saxon</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is the man to use an ax on</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Judibras</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monsignor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">monument</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration
+or cannot be commemorated.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The bones of Agammemnon are a show,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And ruined is his royal monument,</p>
+<p class="poetry">but Agammemnon’s
+fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its <i>reductiones ad absurdum</i> in monuments “to
+the unknown dead”—that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those
+who have left no memory.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">moral</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Conforming
+to a local and mutable standard of right. </p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Having the quality of general expediency.</p>
+<p class="poetry">It is sayd there
+be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn
+conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in good esteeme;
+wherebye the mountayneer is much conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe
+downe eyther way and act as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence.</p>
+<p class="citeauth"><i>Gooke’s Meditations</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">more</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> The
+comparative degree of too much.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mouse</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were
+thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and
+famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp,
+the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that
+these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even
+attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring
+that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks
+from falling over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The mice,
+he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of the chase with composure. But if “Roman
+history is nine-tenths lying,” we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of
+that rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible
+cruelty to a lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mousquetaire</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But “mousquetaire”
+is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mouth</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In man,
+the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mugwump</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of
+independence. A term of contempt.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mulatto</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+child of two races, ashamed of both.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">multitude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of
+the statesman’s adoration. “In a multitude of consellors there is wisdom,”
+saith the proverb. If many men of equal individual wisdom are wiser than any
+one of them, it must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act
+of getting together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere—as well say that a
+range of mountains is higher than the single mountains composing it. A
+multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no
+wiser than its most foolish.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mummy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as
+medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is
+handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to
+distinguish man from the lower animals.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">By means of the
+Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. We
+plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, Distil him for physic and grind him
+for paint, Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, And with levity flock to
+the scene of the shame.</p>
+<p class="poetry">O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme:</p>
+<p class="poetry">For respecting the dead what’s the limit of time?</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Scopas Brune</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mustang</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of
+an English nobleman.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">myrmidon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+follower of Achilles—particularly when he didn’t lead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">mythology</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history,
+heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it
+invents later.</p>
+
+</body>    
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
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+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: N</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>N</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nectar</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A drink
+served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is
+lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a
+knowledge of its chief ingredient.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Juno drank a cup of nectar,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But the draught did not affect her.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Juno drank a cup of rye—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then she bad herself good-bye.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">J. G.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">negro</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The <i>piece de resistance</i> in the American
+political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to
+build their equation thus: “Let n = the white man.” This, however, appears to
+give an unsatisfactory solution.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">neighbor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to
+make us disobedient.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nepotism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Appointing
+your grandmother to office for the good of the party.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Newtonian</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
+to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an
+apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and
+disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nihilist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the
+school is Tolstoi.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Nirvana</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In the
+Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise,
+particularly to those wise enough to understand it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nobleman</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Nature’s
+provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and
+suffer high life.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">noise</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A stench
+in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of
+civilization.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nominate</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable
+person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nominee</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently
+seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">non-combatant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+dead Quaker.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nonsense</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">nose</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have
+great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose
+the organ of quell. It has been observed that one’s nose is never so happy as
+when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have
+drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">There’s a man with a Nose,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And wherever he goes</p>
+<p class="poetry">The people run from him and shout:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“No cotton have we</p>
+<p class="poetry">For our ears if so be</p>
+<p class="poetry">He blow that interminous snout!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">So the lawyers applied</p>
+<p class="poetry">For injunction. “Denied,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Said the Judge: “the defendant prefixion,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whate’er it portend,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Appears to transcend</p>
+<p class="poetry">The bounds of this court’s jurisdiction.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Arpad Singiny</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">notoriety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible
+and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage,
+with angels ascending and descending.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">noumenon</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That
+which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the
+latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate; it can be
+apprehended only be a process of reasoning—which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless,
+the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls
+“the endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought.” Hurrah (therefore)
+for the noumenon!</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">novel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A short
+story padded. A species of composition bearing the same relation to literature
+that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the
+impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the
+panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages
+last read all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before.
+To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing
+principle, probability, corresponds to the literal actuality of the photograph
+and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of
+the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be
+fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of the literary art are
+imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it
+was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to its
+ashes—some of which have a large sale.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">November</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+eleventh twelfth of a weariness.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: O</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>O</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oath</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In law, a
+solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for
+perjury.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oblivion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are
+at rest. Fame’s eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place
+where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters
+without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">observatory</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">obsessed,</span> <span class="pos">p.p.</span> Vexed
+by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once
+more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a
+different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were
+frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were
+finally driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the
+peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a woman by
+the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a hundred persons,
+until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire
+he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in Cromwell’s army exorcised a soldier’s
+obsessing devil by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to
+the surface. The soldier, unfortunately, did not.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">obsolete</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> No longer
+used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has
+marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool
+writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally
+good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer’s attitude toward
+“obsolete” words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything
+except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent
+words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it
+would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who
+might not happen to be a competent reader.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">obstinate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Inaccessible
+to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.</p>
+
+<p>The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">occasional</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Afflicting us with
+greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase
+“occasional verses,” which are verses written for an “occasion,” such as an anniversary, a celebration or
+other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to
+irregular recurrence.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">occident</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited
+by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal
+industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call “war” and
+“commerce.” These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ocean</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A body
+of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">offensive</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Generating
+disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy.</p>
+
+<p>“Were the enemy’s tactics offensive?” the king asked. “I should say so!” replied the unsuccessful
+general. “The blackguard wouldn’t come out of his works!”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">old</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> In that
+stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an <i>old man</i>. Discredited by lapse of time and
+offensive to the popular taste, as an <i>old</i>
+book.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Old books? The devil take them!” Goby said.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Fresh every day must be my books and bread.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Nature herself approves the Goby rule</p>
+<p class="poetry">And gives us every moment a fresh fool.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Harley Shum</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oleginous</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Oily,
+smooth, sleek.</p>
+
+<p>Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as “unctuous, oleaginous,
+saponaceous.” And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For
+every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a
+second skin. His enemies have only to find it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Olympian</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Relating
+to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of
+yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the
+presence of the tourist and his appetite.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">His name the smirking tourist scrawls</p>
+<p class="poetry">Upon Minerva’s temple walls,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And marks his appetite’s abuse.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Averil Joop</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">omen</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A sign
+that something will happen if nothing happens.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">once</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> Enough.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">opera</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A play
+representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song,
+no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is
+simulation, and the word <i>simulation</i> is from <i>simia</i>, an ape; but in
+opera the actor takes for his model <i>Simia audibilis</i> (or <i>Pithecanthropos
+stentor</i>)&#8212;the ape that howls.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The actor apes a man—at least in shape;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The opera performer apes and ape.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Opiate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">opportunity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oppose</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+assist with obstructions and objections.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">How lonely he who thinks to vex</p>
+<p class="poetry">With bandinage the Solemn Sex!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of levity, Mere Man, beware;</p>
+<p class="poetry">None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Percy P. Orminder</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">opposition</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.</p>
+
+<p>The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed
+one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for
+the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and
+had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every
+royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously.
+Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they
+did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire
+forty promptly disemboweled themselves.</p>
+
+<p>“What shall we do now?” the King asked. “Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a
+party of Opposition.”</p>
+
+<p>“Splendor of the universe,” replied the Prime Minister, “it is true these dogs of darkness have
+no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust.”</p>
+
+<p>So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty’s Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put
+back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded
+against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax
+on warts was defeated—the members of the Government party had not been nailed
+to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to
+death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government
+of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">optimism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly,
+everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is
+held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of
+falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that
+apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of
+disproof—an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is
+hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">optimist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A proponent of the
+doctrine that black is white.</p>
+
+<p>A pessimist applied to God for relief.</p>
+<p>“Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness,” said God.</p>
+<p>“No,” replied the petitioner, “I wish you to create something that would justify them.”</p>
+<p>“The world is all created,” said God, “but you have overlooked something—the mortality of the optimist.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oratory</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny
+tempered by stenography.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">orphan</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude—a
+privation appealing with a particular eloquence to all that is sympathetic in
+human nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by
+careful cultivation of its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know
+its place. It is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and
+eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or scullery maid.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">orthodox</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An ox
+wearing the popular religious joke.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">orthography</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat
+than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to
+concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in
+defence of those to be conceded hereafter.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A spelling reformer indicted</p>
+<p class="poetry">For fudge was before the court cicted.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The judge said: “Enough—</p>
+<p class="poetry">His candle we’ll snough,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And his sepulchre shall not be whicted.”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ostrich</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A large
+bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in
+which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The
+absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been
+ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">otherwise</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> No better.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">outcome</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an
+exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome,
+the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by
+the light that the doer had when he performed it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">outdo</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+make an enemy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">out-of-doors</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That
+part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect
+taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">I climbed to the top of a mountain one day</p>
+<p class="poetry">To see the sun setting in glory,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of a perfectly splendid story.</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till the strength of the beast was o’ertested;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then the man would carry him miles on the road</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till Neddy was pretty well rested.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The moon rising solemnly over the crest</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of the hills to the east of my station</p>
+<p class="poetry">Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west</p>
+<p class="poetry">Like a visible new creation.</p>
+<p class="poetry">And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried)</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of an idle young woman who tarried</p>
+<p class="poetry">About a church-door for a look at the bride,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Although ‘twas herself that was married.</p>
+<p class="poetry">To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand</p>
+<p class="poetry">Ideas—with thought and emotion.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I pity the dunces who don’t understand</p>
+<p class="poetry">The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Stromboli Smith</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ovation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> n
+ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been
+disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “triumph.” In modern
+English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous
+expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“I had an ovation!” the actor man said,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But I thought it uncommonly queer,</p>
+<p class="poetry">That people and critics by him had been led</p>
+<p class="poetry">By the ear.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Latin lexicon makes his absurd</p>
+<p class="poetry">Assertion as plain as a peg;</p>
+<p class="poetry">In “ovum” we find the true root of the word.</p>
+<p class="poetry">It means egg.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Dudley Spink</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">overeat</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+dine.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Shows Man’s superiority to Beast.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">John Boop</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">overwork</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">owe</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To have
+(and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession;
+it meant “own,” and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of
+confusion between assets and liabilities.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">oyster</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat
+without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.</p>
+
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+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: P</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>P</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pain</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is
+being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of
+another.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">painting</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.</p>
+
+<p>Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: </p>
+
+<p>the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that
+the modern painter chisels his patrons.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">palace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fine
+and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a
+high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder
+of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">palm</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A species
+of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar “itching palm” (<i>Palma
+hominis</i>) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble
+vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to
+the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable
+tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a
+considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as
+“benefactions.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">palmistry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+947<sup>th</sup> method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining
+money by false pretences. It consists in “reading character” in the wrinkles
+made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can
+really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand
+submitted plainly spell the word “dupe.” The imposture consists in not reading
+it aloud.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pandemonium </span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Literally,
+the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and
+finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When
+disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most
+gratifying to his pride of distinction.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantaloons</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and
+unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented
+by a humorist. Called “trousers” by the enlightened and “pants” by the
+unworthy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantheism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantomime</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least
+disagreeable form of dramatic action.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pardon</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime
+the temptation of ingratitude.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">passport</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as
+an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">past</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That part
+of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable
+acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary
+period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the
+one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark
+with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The
+Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one
+crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in
+the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of
+success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future
+is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pastime</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">patience</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">patriot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One to
+whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of
+statesmen and the tool of conquerors.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">patriotism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Combustible
+rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.</p>
+
+<p>In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With
+all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit
+that it is the first.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">peace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">O, what’s the loud uproar assailing</p>
+<p class="poetry">Mine ears without cease?</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing</p>
+<p class="poetry">The horrors of peace.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Would marry it, too.</p>
+<p class="poetry">If only they knew how to do it</p>
+<p class="poetry">‘Twere easy to do.</p>
+<p class="poetry">They’re working by night and by day</p>
+<p class="poetry">On their problem, like moles.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,</p>
+<p class="poetry">On their meddlesome souls!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Ro Amil</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pedestrian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pedigree</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an
+urban descendant with a cigarette.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">penitentN</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Undergoing
+or awaiting punishment.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">perfection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as
+excellence; an attribute of the critic.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of
+his views and style, and signed “Perfection,” promptly wrote at the foot of the
+letter: “I don’t agree with you,” and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">peripatetic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Walking
+about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved
+from place to place in order to avoid his pupil’s objections. A needless
+precaution—they knew no more of the matter than he.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">peroration</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the
+wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several
+kinds of powder used in preparing it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">perseverance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all,<br />
+Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.<br />
+“Remember the fable of tortoise and hare—</p>
+<p class="poetry">The one at the goal while the other is—where?”<br />
+Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease<br />
+Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,<br />
+The goal and the rival forgotten alike,<br />
+And the long fatigue of the needless hike.</p>
+<p class="poetry">His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,</p>
+<p class="poetry">He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,</p>
+<p class="poetry">A winner of all that is good in a race.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pessimism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening
+prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">philanthropist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while
+his conscience is picking his pocket.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">philistine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in
+thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous,
+commonly clean and always solemn.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">philosophy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Phoenix</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The classical
+prototype of the modern “small hot bird.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">phonograph</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">photograph</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better
+than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">phrenology</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and
+exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">physician</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">physiognomy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences
+between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“There is no art,” says Shakespeare, foolish man,</p>
+<p class="poetry">“To read the mind’s construction in the face.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The physiognomists his portrait scan,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And say: “How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So,
+in his own defence, denied our art.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Lavatar Shunk</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">piano</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A parlor
+utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the
+keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pickaninny</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+young of the <i>Procyanthropos</i>, or <i>Americanus dominans</i>. It is small, black and charged with political
+fatalities.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">picture</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Behold great Daubert’s picture here on view—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Taken from Life.” If that description’s true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jali Hane</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pie</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An advance
+agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Rev. Dr. Mucker</p>
+<p class="poetry">(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)</p>
+<p class="poetry">Cold pie is a detestable</p>
+<p class="poetry">American comestible.</p>
+<p class="poetry">That’s why I’m done—or undone—</p>
+<p class="poetry">So far from that dear London.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">piety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Reverence
+for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The pig is taught by sermons and epistles<br />
+To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Judibras</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pig</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animal
+(<i>Porcus omnivorus</i>) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and
+vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks
+at pig.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pigmy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a
+tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world,
+but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish
+them from the bulkier Caucasians&#8212;who are Hogmies.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Pilgrim</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe
+in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to
+Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his
+conscience.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pillory</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction&#8212;prototype of the
+modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">piracy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Commerce
+without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pitiful</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> The
+state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A failing
+sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plagiarism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plagiarize</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plague</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their
+ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we of
+to-day have the happiness to know it is merely Nature’s fortuitous
+manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plan</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.</p>
+
+<p id="platitude" class="entry"><span class="def">platitude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that
+snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a
+dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All
+that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The
+Pope’s-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of
+the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">platonic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
+to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool’s name for the affection
+between a disability and a frost.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plaudits</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Coins
+with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">please</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To lay
+the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.</p>
+
+<p id="pleasure" class="entry"><span class="def">pleasure</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+least hateful form of dejection.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plebeian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished
+from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plebiscite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plenipotentiary,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having full power.
+A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing
+absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pleonasm</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+army of words escorting a corporal of thought.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plow</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">plunder</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+take the property of another without observing the decent and customary
+reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid
+concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C
+lamenting a vanishing opportunity.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pocket</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking;
+so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever
+alive, confessing the sins of others.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">poetry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A form
+of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">poker</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A game
+said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">police</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+armed force for protection and participation.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">politeness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+most acceptable hypocrisy.</p>
+
+<p id="politics" class="entry"><span class="def">politics</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of
+public affairs for private advantage.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">politician</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society
+is reared. When we wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the
+trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the
+disadvantage of being alive.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">polygamy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of
+repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">populist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone
+underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some
+naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and
+Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out
+that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque
+speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was
+known as “The Matter with Kansas.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">portable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Exposed
+to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">His light estate, if neither he did make it<br />
+Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,<br />
+Is portable improperly, I take it.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Worgum Slupsky</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Portuguese</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. A
+species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and
+imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">positive</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Mistaken
+at the top of one’s voice.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">positivism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of
+the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest
+Spencer.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">posterity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author’s
+contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">potable</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Suitable
+for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural
+beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the
+recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing
+has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all
+countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes
+for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in
+the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific—and without science
+we are as the snakes and toads.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">poverty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A file
+provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its
+abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the
+philosophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are distinguished by
+possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct
+them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pray</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To ask
+that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner
+confessedly unworthy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Pre-Adamite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation and
+lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have
+inhabited “the Void” and to have been something intermediate between fishes and
+birds. Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a
+wife and theologians with a controversy.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">precedent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite
+statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it,
+thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are
+precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his
+interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the
+precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal
+to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">precipitate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Anteprandial.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Precipitate in all, this sinner</p>
+<p class="poetry">Took action first, and then his dinner.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Judibras</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">predestination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should
+not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are
+programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an
+implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is
+great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With
+the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief
+in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">predicament</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+wage of consistency.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">predilection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+preparatory stage of disillusion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pre-existence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+unnoted factor in creation.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">preference</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is
+better than another.</p>
+
+<p>An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was
+asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. “Because,” he replied, “death is
+no better than life.” It is longer.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prehistoric</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Belonging
+to an early period and a museum. </p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He lived in a period prehistoric,</p>
+<p class="poetry">When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Set down great events in succession and order,</p>
+<p class="poetry">He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous</p>
+<p class="poetry">In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Orpheus Bowen</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prejudice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+vagrant opinion without visible means of support.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prelate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One
+of Heaven’s aristocracy. A gentleman of God.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prerogative</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+sovereign’s right to do wrong.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Presbyterian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should
+be called presbyters.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prescription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">present</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That
+part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">presentable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Hideously
+appareled after the manner of the time and place.</p>
+
+<p>In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a
+bright blue and wear a cow’s tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit
+the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep
+and dyed black.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">preside</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese,
+to perform upon a musical instrument; as, “He presided at the piccolo.”</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Read with a solemn face:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“The music was very uncommonly grand—</p>
+<p class="poetry">The best that was every provided,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For our townsman Brown presided</p>
+<p class="poetry">At the organ with skill and grace.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Headliner discontinued to read,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And, spread the paper down</p>
+<p class="poetry">On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Great playing by President Brown.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Orpheus Bowen</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">presidency</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+greased pig in the field game of American politics.</p>
+
+<p id="president" class="entry"><span class="def">president</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is
+positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of
+them for President.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">If that’s an honor surely ‘tis a greater<br />
+To have been a simple and undamned spectator.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Behold in me a man of mark and note</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whom no elector e’er denied a vote!&#8212;</p>
+<p class="poetry">An undiscredited, unhooted gent</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who might, for all we know, be President</p>
+<p class="poetry">By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer—</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’m passing with a wide and open ear!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jonathan Fomry</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prevaricator</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+liar in the caterpillar estate.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">price</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Value,
+plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">primate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary
+contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an
+amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster
+Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prisonu</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A place
+of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that—</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Stone walls do not a prison make,”</p>
+<p class="poetry">but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden
+of sweets.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">private</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+military gentleman with a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack and an
+impediment in his hope.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">proboscis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the
+knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it
+is popularly called a trunk.</p>
+
+<p>Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a
+reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: “When it is ajar,”
+and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his
+pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of
+woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of <i>The Ladies’ Home Journal</i>, is much
+respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">projectile</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled
+by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the
+rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the sword, the spear, and so forth.
+With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and
+more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its
+capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of
+propulsion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">proof</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Evidence
+having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two
+credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">proof-reader</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the
+compositor to make it unintelligible.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">property</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Any
+material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the
+cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and
+disappoints it in all others. The object of man’s brief rapacity and long indifference.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prophecy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prospect</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes—</p>
+<p class="poetry">O’er Ceylon blow your breath,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where every prospect pleases,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Save only that of death.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Bishop Sheber</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">providential</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span>
+Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">prude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A bawd
+hiding behind the back of her demeanor.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">publish</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">push</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
+the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">pyrrhonism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute
+disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Q</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>Q</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">queen</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A woman
+by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled
+when there is not.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quill</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This
+use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is
+wielded by the same everlasting Presence.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quiver</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer
+carried their lighter arguments.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He extracted from his quiver,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Did the controversial Roman,</p>
+<p class="poetry">An argument well fitted</p>
+<p class="poetry">To the question as submitted,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then addressed it to the liver,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of the unpersuaded foeman.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Oglum P. Boomp</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quixotic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Absurdly
+chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this
+incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to
+know that the gentleman’s name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, ‘tis folly to know Spanish.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Juan Smith</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quorum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and
+their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of
+the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House;
+in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quotation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+act of repeating erroneously the words of another. </p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The words erroneously repeated.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Intent on making his quotation truer,</p>
+<p class="poetry">He sought the page infallible of Brewer,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then made a solemn vow that we would be</p>
+<p class="poetry">Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Stumpo Gaker</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">quotient</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is
+contained in the pocket of another—usually about as many times as it can be got there.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: R</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+
+<h1>R</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rabble</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In a
+republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent
+elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable—omnipotent
+on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact
+equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, “soaring swine.”)</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rack</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false
+faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never
+had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rank</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Relative
+elevation in the scale of human worth.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He held at court a rank so high</p>
+<p class="poetry">That other noblemen asked why.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Because,” ‘twas answered, “others lack</p>
+<p class="poetry">His skill to scratch the royal back.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Aramis Jukes</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ransom</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the
+buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rapacity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Providence
+without industry. The thrift of power.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rarebit</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a
+rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as
+toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that <i>riz-de-veau
+a la financiere</i> is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe
+of a she banker.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rascal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fool
+considered under another aspect.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rascality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Stupidity
+militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rash</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Insensible
+to the value of our advice.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“Now lay your bet with mine, nor let</p>
+<p class="poetry">These gamblers take your cash.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Nay, this child makes no bet.” “Great snakes!</p>
+<p class="poetry">How can you be so rash?”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Bootle P. Gish</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rational</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Devoid
+of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rattlesnake</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Our
+prostrate brother, <i>Homo ventrambulans</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">razor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make
+a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reach</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and
+customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">This is a truth, as old as the hills,</p>
+<p class="poetry">That life and experience teach:</p>
+<p class="poetry">The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,</p>
+<p class="poetry">An impediment of his reach.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reading</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of
+Indiana novels, short stories in “dialect” and humor in slang.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">We know by one’s reading</p>
+<p class="poetry">His learning and breeding;</p>
+<p class="poetry">By what draws his laughter</p>
+<p class="poetry">We know his Hereafter.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Read nothing, laugh never—</p>
+<p class="poetry">The Sphinx was less clever!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jupiter Muke</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">radicalsim</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">radium</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool
+with.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">railroad</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to
+wher we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest
+favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ramshackle</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
+to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as the Normal American. Most
+of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order,
+though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to
+the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the
+Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">realism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape
+painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should
+assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">really</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> Apparently.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rear</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reason</span>, <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To
+weight probabilities in the scales of desire.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reason</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Propensitate of prejudice.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reasonable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Accessible
+to the infection of our own opinions. </p>
+
+<p>Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rebel</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">recollect</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+recall with additions something not previously known.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reconciliation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reconsider</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+seek a justification for a decision already made.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">recount</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against
+whom they are loaded.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">recreation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">recruit</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Fresh from the farm or factory or street,</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Were an impressive martial spectacle</p>
+<p class="poetry">Except for two impediments—his feet.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Thompson Johnson</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rector</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In the
+Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and
+the Vicar being the other two.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">redemption</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Deliverance
+of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity
+against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery
+of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have
+everlasting life in which to try to understand it.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">We must awake Man’s spirit from his sin,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And take some special measure for redeeming it;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Though hard indeed the task to get it in</p>
+<p class="poetry">Among the angels any way but teaming it,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I’m awkward at Redemption—a beginner:</p>
+<p class="poetry">My method is to crucify the sinner.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Golgo Brone</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">redress</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Reparation
+without satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p>Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on
+proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch
+that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed
+by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff’s choice of a switch.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">red-skin</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+North American Indian, whose skin is not red—at least not on the outside.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">redundant</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Superfluous;
+needless; <i>de trop</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">The Sultan said: “There’s evidence abundant<br />
+To prove this unbelieving dog redundant.”<br />
+To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,<br />
+Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.”<br />
+<p class="citeauth">Habeeb Suleiman</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="quote">Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. Theodore Roosevelt</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">referendum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the
+nonsensus of public opinion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reflection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the
+things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reform</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> A thing
+that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">refuge</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anything
+assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of
+refuge—Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron—to which one who had
+taken life inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This
+admirable expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to
+enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was
+appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of early
+Greece.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">refusal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Denial
+of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand in marriage, to a rich and
+handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman;
+absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are
+graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the
+refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is
+called by some casuists the refusal assentive.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">regalia</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Distinguishing
+insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of
+Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes;
+the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel
+Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies
+of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of
+Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn
+Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion
+of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining
+Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the
+Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal
+of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden
+of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing
+Astonishers; Ladies of Horror;  Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden;
+Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy
+Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs;
+Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for
+Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink;
+Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the
+Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and
+Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.</p>
+
+<p id="religion" class="entry"><span class="def">religion</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.</p>
+
+<span class="dialoge">
+<p>“What is your religion my son?” inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.</p>
+<p>“Pardon, monseigneur,” replied Rochebriant; “I am ashamed of it.”</p>
+<p>“Then why do you not become an atheist?”</p>
+<p>“Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism.”</p>
+<p>“In that case, monseiegneur, you should join the Protestants.”</p>
+</span>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reliquary</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of
+the saints, the ears of Balaam’s ass, the lung of the cock that called Peter to
+repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a
+lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at
+unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation
+once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter’s and so tickled the noses of the
+congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It
+is related in the “Gesta Sanctorum” that a sacristan in the Canterbury
+cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its
+stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This
+unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the offender was publicly
+anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint
+Dennis, brought from Rome.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">renown</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+degree of distinction between notoriety and fame—a little more supportable than
+the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred
+by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">I touched the harp in every key,</p>
+<p class="poetry">But found no heeding ear;</p>
+<p class="poetry">And then Ithuriel touched me</p>
+<p class="poetry">With a revealing spear.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Not all my genius, great as ‘tis,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Could urge me out of night.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I felt the faint appulse of his,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And leapt into the light!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">W. J. Candleton</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reparation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Satisfaction
+that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">repartee</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Prudent
+insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to
+violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of
+the North American Indian.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">repentance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a
+degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,</p>
+<p class="poetry">You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?</p>
+<p class="poetry">How needless!&#8212;Nick will keep you off the coals
+And add you to the woes of other souls.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jomater Abemy</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">replica</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so
+called to distinguish it from a “copy,” which is made by another artist. When
+the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is
+supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reporter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">“More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose ‘lips are sealed’ and will not disavow!” So
+sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long “interview.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Barson Maith</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">repose</span>, <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To
+cease from troubling.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">representative</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without
+discernible hope of promotion in the next.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reprobation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of
+reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the
+sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition,
+others are predestined to salvation.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">republic</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same,
+there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a
+republic, the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of
+submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted
+because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are
+graduations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they
+lead.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">requiem</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A mass
+for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds sing o’er the graves of
+their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">resident</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Unable
+to leave.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">resign</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">‘Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed</p>
+<p class="poetry">A true renunciation</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of title, rank and every kind</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of military station—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Each honorable station.</p>
+<p class="poetry">By his example fired—inclined</p>
+<p class="poetry">To noble emulation,</p>
+<p class="poetry">The country humbly was resigned</p>
+<p class="poetry">To Leonard’s resignation—</p>
+<p class="poetry">His Christian resignation.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Politian Greame</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">resolute</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Obstinate
+in a course that we approve.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">respectability</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+The offspring of a <i>liaison</i> between a bald head and a bank account.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">respirator</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to
+filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">respite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive
+to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting
+attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Altgeld upon his incandescend bed</p>
+<p class="poetry">Lay, an attendant demon at his head.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Some respite from the roast, however brief.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm O’er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Your doom I’ll mollify and pains abate.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Not even the memory of who you are.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.</p>
+<p class="poetry">“As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I’d respite thee.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">“As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed in getting back.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">A genial chill affected Altgeld’s hide While they were turning him on t’other side.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Joel Spate Woop</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">resplendent</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Like
+a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his
+consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.</p>
+
+<p class="cite">The Knights of
+Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- and-gold that their masters would
+hardly have known them. “Chronicles of the Classes”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">respond</span>, <span class="pos">v.i.</span> To
+make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest
+in what Herbert Spencer calls “external coexistences,” as Satan “squat like a
+toad” at the ear of Eve, responded to the touch of the angel’s spear. To
+respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff’s
+attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">responsibility</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
+A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck
+or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Alas, things ain’t what we should see</p>
+<p class="poetry">If Eve had let that apple be;</p>
+<p class="poetry">And many a feller which had ought</p>
+<p class="poetry">To set with monarchses of thought,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Or play some rosy little game</p>
+<p class="poetry">With battle-chaps on fields of fame,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is downed by his unlucky star</p>
+<p class="poetry">And hollers: “Peanuts!&#8212;here you are!”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">“The Sturdy Beggar”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">restitutions</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">restitutor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Benefactor;
+philanthropist.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">retaliation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">retribution</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the
+unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.</p>
+
+<p>In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the
+reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the improduence of turning about to
+face Retribution when it is talking exercise:</p>
+
+<p>What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go</p>
+
+<p>Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?</p>
+
+<p>Why, what assurance have you ‘twould be so?</p>
+
+<p>‘Tis not so long since you were in a riot,</p>
+
+<p>And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at</p>
+
+<p>Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know That empires are ungrateful; are you certain
+Republics are less handy to get hurt in?</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reveille</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but get up and
+have their blue noses counted. In the American army it is ingeniously called
+“rev-e-lee,” and to that pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives,
+their misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">revelation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The
+revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">reverence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">review</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Although in truth there’s neither bone nor skin to it)</p>
+<p class="poetry">At work upon a book, and so read out of it</p>
+<p class="poetry">The qualities that you have first read into it.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">revolution</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in
+American history, the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of
+a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a
+full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion
+of blood, but are accounted worth it—this appraisement being made by
+beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The French
+revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls
+the string actuating its bones its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to
+gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rhadomancer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ribaldry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Censorious
+language by another concerning oneself.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ribroaster</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Censorious
+language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement,
+and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the
+most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century—commonly, indeed, regarded as
+the founder of the Fastidiotic School.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rice-water</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to
+regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience. It is said to be rich in
+both obtundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which
+of the Dismal Swamp.</p>
+
+<p id="rich" class="entry"><span class="def">rich</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Holding
+in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the
+incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. That is the view that
+prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical
+development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means
+good and wise.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">riches</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<p class="cite">A gift from Heaven signifying, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” John D. Rockefeller</p>
+
+<p class="cite">The reward of toil and virtue. J.P. Morgan</p>
+
+<p class="cite">The sayings of many in the hands of one. Eugene Debs</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ridicule</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Words
+designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the
+dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them. It may be graphic,
+mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the
+test of truth—a ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone
+centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for
+example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant
+Respectability?</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">right</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Legitimate
+authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do
+one’s neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of these
+rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of
+God; and this is still sometimes affirmed <i>in
+partibus infidelium</i> outside the enlightened realms of Democracy; as
+the well known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whose is the sanction of their state and pow’r?</p>
+<p class="poetry">He surely were as stubborn as a mule</p>
+<p class="poetry">Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour
+His uninvited session on the throne, or air
+His pride securely in the Presidential chair.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whatever is is so by Right Divine;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whate’er occurs, God wills it so. Good land!</p>
+<p class="poetry">It were a wondrous thing if His design</p>
+<p class="poetry">A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!</p>
+<p class="poetry">If so, then God, Isay (intending no offence)</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is guilty of contributory negligence.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">righteousness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower
+part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned
+missionaries to introduce it into several European countries, but it appears to
+have been imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found
+in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage
+from which is here given:</p>
+
+<p>“Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of mind, nor yet in performance of
+religious rites and obedience to the letter of the law. It is not enough that
+one be pious and just: one must see to it that others also are in the same
+state; and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my injustice
+may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be wrought upon still
+another, the which it is as manifestly my duty to estop as to forestall mine
+own tort. Wherefore if I would be righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor,
+by force if needful, in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a
+better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rime</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Agreeing
+sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, as
+distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled “rhyme.”</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rimer</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A poet
+regarded with indifference or disesteem.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,<br />
+The sound surceases and the sense expires.<br />
+Then the domestic dog, to east and west,<br />
+Expounds the passions burning in his breast.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The rising moon o’er that enchanted land</p>
+<p class="poetry">Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Mowbray Myles</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">riot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A popular
+entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">R.I.P.</span> A careless abbreviation of <i>requiescat in pace</i>,
+attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr.
+Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than <i>reductus in pulvis</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">riteE</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the
+essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ritualism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the
+grass.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">road</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A strip
+of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where
+it is futile to go.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">All roads, howsoe’er they diverge, lead to Rome,<br />
+Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Borey the Bald</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">robber</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+candid man of affairs.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside
+inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell
+robber stories in turn. “Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues.” Saying
+nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. “That,” he said, “is the story.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">romance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Fiction
+that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the
+writer’s thought is tethered to probability, as a domestic horse to the
+hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the
+imagination—free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor
+creature, as Carlyle might say—a mere reporter. He may invent his characters
+and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not occur,
+albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard
+condition on himself, and “drags at each remove a lengthening chain” of his own
+forging he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as
+a candle’s ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are
+great novels, for great writers have “laid waste their powers” to write them,
+but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we have
+is “The Thousand and One Nights.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rope</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is
+put about the neck and remains in place one’s whole life long. It has been
+largely superseded by a more complex electrical device worn upon another part
+of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the
+preachment.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rostrum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which
+a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of
+the rabble.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">roundhead</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war—so called from his
+habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his
+long. There were other points of difference between them, but the fashion in
+hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because
+the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair grow
+than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and
+soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the
+object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now
+wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient
+strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rubbish</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Worthless
+matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of
+the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ruin</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
+destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid’s belief in the virtue of maids.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Generically,
+fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">rumor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+favorite weapon of the assassins of character.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,</p>
+<p class="poetry">By guard unparried as by flight unstayed,</p>
+<p class="poetry">O serviceable Rumor, let me wield</p>
+<p class="poetry">Against my enemy no other blade.</p>
+<p class="poetry">His be the terror of a foe unseen,</p>
+<p class="poetry">His the inutile hand upon the hilt,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to
+celebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Joel Buxter</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Russian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.</p>
+
+</body>    
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: S</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>S</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Sabbath</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six
+days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was
+enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: “Remember the
+seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly.” To the Creator it seemed fit
+and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the
+Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the
+day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over
+those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is
+manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment:</p>
+
+<p>Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and
+scrape the cable.</p>
+
+<p>Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to
+attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sacerdotalist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous
+doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the
+Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sacrament</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and
+significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant
+churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these
+of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all—for
+which mean economy they will indubitable be damned.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sacred</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Dedicated
+to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts
+or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M’bwango; the temple
+of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of
+ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">All things are either sacred or profane.</p>
+<p class="poetry">The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;</p>
+<p class="poetry">The latter to the devil appertain.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Dumbo Omohundro</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sandlotter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious
+demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered in the open spaces
+(sandlots) of the town. True to the traditions of his species, this leader of
+the proletariat was finally bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living
+prosperously silent and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he
+imposed upon California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a
+diction of solecisms. The similarity between the words “sandlotter” and
+“sansculotte” is problematically significant, but indubitably suggestive.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">safety-clutch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or
+cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Once I seen a human ruin</p>
+<p class="poetry">In an elevator-well,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And his members was bestrewin’</p>
+<p class="poetry">All the place where he had fell.</p>
+<p class="poetry">And I says, apostrophisin’</p>
+<p class="poetry">That uncommon woful wreck:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Your position’s so surprisin’</p>
+<p class="poetry">That I tremble for your neck!”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then that ruin, smilin’ sadly</p>
+<p class="poetry">And impressive, up and spoke:</p>
+<p class="poetry">“Well, I wouldn’t tremble badly,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For it’s been a fortnight broke.”</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then, for further comprehension</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of his attitude, he begs</p>
+<p class="poetry">I will focus my attention</p>
+<p class="poetry">On his various arms and legs—</p>
+<p class="poetry">How they all are contumacious;</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where they each, respective, lie;</p>
+<p class="poetry">How one trotter proves ungracious,</p>
+<p class="poetry">T’other one an <i>alibi</i>.</p>
+<p class="poetry">These particulars is mentioned</p>
+<p class="poetry">For to show his dismal state,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Which I wasn’t first intentioned</p>
+<p class="poetry">To specifical relate.</p>
+<p class="poetry">None is worser to be dreaded</p>
+<p class="poetry">That I ever have heard tell</p>
+<p class="poetry">Than the gent’s who there was spreaded</p>
+<p class="poetry">In that elevator-well.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Now this tale is allegoric—</p>
+<p class="poetry">It is figurative all,</p>
+<p class="poetry">For the well is metaphoric</p>
+<p class="poetry">And the feller didn’t fall.</p>
+<p class="poetry">I opine it isn’t moral</p>
+<p class="poetry">For a writer-man to cheat,</p>
+<p class="poetry">And despise to wear a laurel</p>
+<p class="poetry">As was gotten by deceit.</p>
+<p class="poetry">For ‘tis Politics intended</p>
+<p class="poetry">By the elevator, mind,</p>
+<p class="poetry">It will boost a person splendid</p>
+<p class="poetry">If his talent is the kind.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Col. Bryan had the talent</p>
+<p class="poetry">(For the busted man is him)</p>
+<p class="poetry">And it shot him up right gallant</p>
+<p class="poetry">Till his head begun to swim.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Then the rope it broke above him</p>
+<p class="poetry">And he painful come to earth</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where there’s nobody to love him</p>
+<p class="poetry">For his detrimented worth.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Though he’s livin’ none would know him,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Or at leastwise not as such.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Moral of this woful poem:</p>
+<p class="poetry">Frequent oil your safety-clutch.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Porfer Poog</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">saint</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A dead
+sinner revised and edited.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in
+his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: “I
+am delighted to hear that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying
+indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a
+perfect gentleman, though a fool.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">salacity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in
+those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that
+in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping
+an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are
+tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">salamander</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Originally
+a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.
+Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an
+account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it
+with a bucket of holy water.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sarcophagus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Among
+the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone,
+had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus
+known to modern obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter’s art.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Satan</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
+the Creator’s lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being
+instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and
+was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his
+head in thought a moment and at last went back. “There is one favor that I
+should like to ask,” said he.</p>
+<p>“Name it.”</p>
+<p>“Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws.”</p>
+<p>“What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn </p>
+<p>of eternity with hatred of his soul—you ask for the right to make his laws?”</p>
+<p>“Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself.”</p>
+<p>It was so ordered.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">satiety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">satire</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the
+author’s enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country
+satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it
+is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it,
+like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans
+are “endowed by their Creator” with abundant vice and folly, it is not
+generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist
+is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever victim’s outcry
+for codefendants evokes a national assent.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung</p>
+In the dead language of a mummy’s tongue,<br />
+For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well—<br />
+Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.<br />
+Had it been such as consecrates the Bible<br />
+Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.<br />
+<p class="citeauth">Barney Stims</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">satyr</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
+the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew.
+(Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute
+community acknowledging a loose allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many
+transformations and improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the
+faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more
+like a goat.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sauce</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The one
+infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has
+one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and
+ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and
+forgiven.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">saw</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A trite
+popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it
+makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted
+with new teeth.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">A penny saved is a penny to squander.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A man is known by the company that he organizes.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.</p>
+<p class="poetry">A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Better late than before anybody has invited you.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Example is better than following it.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.</p>
+<p class="poetry">What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Least said is soonest disavowed.</p>
+<p class="poetry">He laughs best who laughs least.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of two evils choose to be the least.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Strike while your employer has a big contract.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Where there’s a will there’s a won’t.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Sacrabaeus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar “tumble-bug.” It
+was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its
+peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may
+also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure
+it an equal reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior
+beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Scarabee</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+same as scarabaeus.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He fell by his own hand<br />
+Beneath the great oak tree.<br />
+He’d traveled in a foreign land.<br />
+He tried to make her understand<br />
+The dance that’s called the Saraband,<br />
+But he called it Scarabee.<br />
+He had called it so through an afternoon,<br />
+And she, the light of his harem if so might be,<br />
+Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see,<br />
+All frosted there in the shine o’ the moon—<br />
+Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late.<br />
+O Fate!<br />
+They buried him where he lay,<br />
+He sleeps awaiting the Day,<br />
+In state, And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,<br />
+Gloom over the grave and then move on.<br />
+Dead for a Scarabee!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Fernando Tapple</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scarification</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed,
+sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius
+Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless
+disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been
+superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a
+university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain
+than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of
+grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the
+good that it does and the taint of justice.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scepter</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+king’s staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally
+a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial
+measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scimetar</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals
+attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to
+show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous
+writer of the thirteenth century.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer
+of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for performance of the rite what
+was his Majesty’s surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man who
+should have been at that time ten minutes dead!</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!” shouted the enraged monarch. “Did I not sentence you to
+stand in the market-place and have your head struck off by the public
+executioner at three o’clock? And is it not now 3:10?”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Son of a thousand illustrious deities,” answered the condemned minister, “all that you say is so
+true that the truth is a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty’s sunny
+and vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I ran and
+placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his
+bare scimetar, ostentatiously whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly
+upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a
+favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable and
+treasonous head.”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“To what regiment
+of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?” asked the Mikado.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh—I know the man. His name is
+Sakko-Samshi.”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Let him be
+brought before me,” said the Mikado to an attendant, and a half-hour later the
+culprit stood in the Presence.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Thou bastard son
+of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!” roared the sovereign—“why didst
+thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Lord of Cranes of
+Cherry Blooms,” replied the executioner, unmoved, “command him to blow his nose
+with his fingers.”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Being commanded,
+Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting
+to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing occurred: the
+performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">All eyes were now
+turned on the executioner, who had grown as white as the snows on the summit of
+Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in gasps of terror.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Several kinds of
+spike-tailed brass lions!” he cried; “I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I
+struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar I had
+accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office.”</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">So saying, he
+gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and advancing to the throne laid it
+humbly at the Mikado’s feet.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scrap-book</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction
+compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or
+employ others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines
+following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast<br />
+You keep a record true<br />
+Of every kind of peppered roast<br />
+That’s made of you;<br />
+Wherein you paste the printed gibes<br />
+That revel round your name,<br />
+Thinking the laughter of the scribes<br />
+Attests your fame;<br />
+Where all the pictures you arrange<br />
+That comic pencils trace—<br />
+Your funny figure and your strange<br />
+Semitic face—<br />
+Pray lend it me. Wit I have not,<br />
+Nor art, but there I’ll list<br />
+The daily drubbings you’d have got<br />
+Had God a fist.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scribbler</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one’s own.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">scriptures</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane
+writings on which all other faiths are based.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">seal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A mark
+impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their authenticity and
+authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper,
+sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an
+ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic words or signs to
+give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In
+the British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal
+character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other devices, frequently
+initial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances these are
+attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every
+reasonless and apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern
+times had origin in some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an example of
+ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our
+word “sincere” is derived from <i>sine cero</i>,
+without wax, but the learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to
+the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters
+were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will serve
+one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., commonly appended to
+signatures of legal documents, mean <i>locum sigillis</i>, the place of the seal,
+although the seal is no longer used&#8212;an admirable example of conservatism
+distinguishing Man from the beasts that perish. The words <i>locum sigillis</i> are humbly suggested as a
+suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take their place
+as a sovereign State of the American Union.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">seine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A kind
+of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made
+strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate
+fabric weighted with small, cut stones.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The devil casting a seine of lace,<br />
+(With precious stones ‘twas weighted)<br />
+Drew it into the landing place<br />
+And its contents calculated.<br />
+All souls of women were in that sack—<br />
+A draft miraculous, precious!<br />
+But ere he could throw it across his back<br />
+They’d all escaped through the meshes.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Baruch de Loppis</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">self-esteem</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+erroneous appraisement.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">self-evident</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span>
+Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">selfish</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Devoid
+of consideration for the selfishness of others.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">senate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A body
+of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">serial</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues
+of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a
+“synposis of preceding chapters” for those who have not read them, but a direr
+need is a synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read <i>them</i>. A synposis of the entire work would
+be still better.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly paper in collaboration with a
+genius whose name has not come down to us. They wrote, not jointly but
+alternately, Bowman supplying the installment for one week, his friend for the
+next, and so on, world without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled,
+and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his
+task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His
+collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship and sunk
+them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">severalty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Separateness,
+as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain
+tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in
+severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and
+could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind<br />
+Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;<br />
+Whom thrifty settler ne’er besought to stay—<br />
+His small belongings their appointed prey;<br />
+Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,<br />
+Persuaded elsewhere every little while!<br />
+His fire unquenched and his undying worm<br />
+By “land in severalty” (charming term!)<br />
+Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,<br />
+And he to his new holding anchored fast!</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sheriff</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic
+duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and
+hanging of rogues.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">John Elmer Pettibone Cajee<br />
+(I write of him with little glee)<br />
+Was just as bad as he could be.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">‘Twas frequently remarked: “I swon!<br />
+The sun has never looked upon<br />
+So bad a man as Neighbor John.”</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">A sinner through and through, he had<br />
+This added fault: it made him mad<br />
+To know another man was bad.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">In such a case he thought it right<br />
+To rise at any hour of night<br />
+And quench that wicked person’s light.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Despite the town’s entreaties, he<br />
+Would hale him to the nearest tree<br />
+And leave him swinging wide and free.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Or sometimes, if the humor came,<br />
+A luckless wight’s reluctant frame<br />
+Was given to the cheerful flame.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">While it was turning nice and brown,<br />
+All unconcerned John met the frown<br />
+Of that austere and righteous town.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“How sad,” his neighbors said, “that he<br />
+So scornful of the law should be—<br />
+An anar c, h, i, s, t.”</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">(That is the way that they preferred<br />
+To utter the abhorrent word,<br />
+So strong the aversion that it stirred.)</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“Resolved,” they said, continuing,<br />
+“That Badman John must cease this thing<br />
+Of having his unlawful fling.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“Now, by these sacred relics”—here<br />
+Each man had out a souvenir<br />
+Got at a lynching yesteryear—</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“By these we swear he shall forsake<br />
+His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache<br />
+By sins of rope and torch and stake.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“We’ll tie his red right hand until<br />
+He’ll have small freedom to fulfil<br />
+The mandates of his lawless will.”</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">So, in convention then and there,<br />
+They named him Sheriff. The affair<br />
+Was opened, it is said, with prayer.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">J. Milton Sloluck</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">siren</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of several
+musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on
+the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose
+and disappointing performance.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">slang</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+grunt of the human hog (<i>Pignoramus intolerabilis</i>) with an audible memory. The
+speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels
+the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under
+Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">smithareen</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the
+following verse on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women
+because it “led them to the devil” it is seen at its best:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The wheels go round without a sound—<br />
+The maidens hold high revel;<br />
+In sinful mood, insanely gay,<br />
+True spinsters spin adown the way<br />
+From duty to the devil!<br />
+They laugh, they sing, and—ting-a-ling!<br />
+Their bells go all the morning;<br />
+Their lanterns bright bestar the night<br />
+Pedestrians a-warning.<br />
+With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,<br />
+Good-Lording and O-mying,<br />
+Her rheumatism forgotten quite,<br />
+Her fat with anger frying.<br />
+She blocks the path that leads to wrath,<br />
+Jack Satan’s power defying.<br />
+The wheels go round without a sound<br />
+The lights burn red and blue and green.<br />
+What’s this that’s found upon the ground?<br />
+Poor Charlotte Smith’s a smithareen!</p>
+<p class="citeauth">John William Yope</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sophistry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one’s own by superior
+insincerity and fooling. This method is that of the later Sophists, a Grecian
+sect of philosophers who began by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and,
+in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles
+and a fog of words.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">His bad opponent’s “facts” he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day;<br />
+Then swears they’re pushed to madness who resort To falsehood of so desperate a sort.<br />
+Not so; like sods upon a dead man’s breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Polydore Smith</p>
+</div>
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sorcery</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however,
+deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine
+Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to
+the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the
+suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it
+were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.</p>
+
+<p id="soul" class="entry"><span class="def">soul</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation. Plato held
+that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had
+obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of
+persons who became philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls
+that had least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and
+despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- browed
+philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to
+construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies;
+certainly he was not the last.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">“Concerning the nature of the soul,” saith the renowned author
+of <i>Diversiones Sanctorum</i>, “there hath been hardly more argument
+than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her
+seat in the abdomen—in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth
+hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men most devout. He
+is said in the Scripture to ‘make a god of his belly’&#8212;why, then, should he
+not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well
+as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the
+soul and the stomach are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius,
+who nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that its
+visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of the body
+after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we
+call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, to be
+rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded in
+the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for the unwholesome viands
+of the general market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal
+famine, whilst that which firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare,
+terrapin, anchovies, <i>pates de foie gras</i>
+and all such Christian comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls
+of them forever and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts
+of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious
+faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His
+Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will
+assent to its dissemination.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">spooker</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena,
+especially in the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious spookers of our
+time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as
+respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the
+terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost
+adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">story</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has,
+however, not been successfully impeached.</p>
+
+<p>One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr.
+Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.</p>
+
+<p>“Mr. Pollard,” said he, “my book, <i>The Biography of a Dead
+Cow</i>, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its
+authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the
+Century. Do you think that fair criticism?”</p>
+
+<p>“I am very sorry, sir,” replied the critic, amiably, “but it did not occur to me that you really
+might not wish the public to know who wrote it.”</p>
+
+<p>Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to writing ghost stories
+which made the reader feel as if a stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were
+streaking it up his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time
+believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez,
+who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is
+putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o’ nights. One
+particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within
+the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon
+Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist.</p>
+
+<p>“Why, Owen,” said one, “what brings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is
+one of Vasquez’ favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren’t you afraid to be out?”</p>
+
+<p>“My dear fellow,” the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the
+moan of a leaf-laden wind, “I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow’s
+stories in my pocket and I don’t dare to go where there is light enough to read it.”</p>
+
+<p>Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument,
+in Washington, discussing the question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly
+broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: “Hello! I’ve heard
+that band before. Santlemann’s, I think.”</p>
+
+<p>“I don’t hear any band,” said Schley.</p>
+
+<p>“Come to think, I don’t either,” said Joy; “but I see General </p>
+
+<p>Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a brass band. One has to
+scrutinize one’s impressions pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin.”</p>
+
+<p>While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a
+spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had
+passed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused
+by its effulgence—</p>
+
+<p>“He seems to be enjoying himself,” said the Admiral.</p>
+
+<p>“There is nothing,” assented Joy, thoughtfully, “that he enjoys one-half so well.”</p>
+
+<p>The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in
+Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast
+on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his
+character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was
+a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said:</p>
+
+<p>“Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. </p>
+
+<p>He’ll roast, sure!&#8212;he was smoking as I passed him.”</p>
+
+<p>“O, he’s all right,” said Clark, lightly; “he’s an inveterate smoker.”</p>
+
+<p>The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right.</p>
+
+<p>He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable just around the
+corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their immortality, among
+them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had
+turned Mr. Clark’s mule loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently
+another man entered the saloon.</p>
+
+<p>“For mercy’s sake!” he said, taking it with sugar, “do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells.”</p>
+
+<p>“Yes,” interposed Clark, “that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn’t mind, you
+shouldn’t.”</p>
+
+<p>In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the incinerated and
+shrunken remains of his charger. The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr.
+Clarke, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression to which
+he owes so much of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late
+that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the
+misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis,
+Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the
+night in town.</p>
+
+<p>General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet rib-nosed baboon, an
+animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his
+apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for
+so the creature is named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and
+wearing his master’s best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.</p>
+
+<p>“You confounded remote ancestor!” thundered the great strategist, “what do you mean by being
+out of bed after naps?&#8212;and with my coat on!”</p>
+
+<p>Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his kind and,
+scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General
+Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several
+cigar-stumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general
+apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General
+Barry, who said:</p>
+
+<p>“Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars.
+Where did you get them?”</p>
+
+<p>General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away.</p>
+
+<p>“Pardon me, please,” said Barry, moving after him; “I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not
+you before I had been in the room fifteen minutes.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">success</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows. In literature, and particularly in
+poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set
+forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled,
+for some mysterious reason, “John A. Joyce.”</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The bard who would prosper must carry a book,<br />
+Do his thinking in prose and wear<br />
+A crimson cravat, a far-away look<br />
+And a head of hexameter hair.<br />
+Be thin in your thought and your body’ll be fat;<br />
+If you wear your hair long you needn’t your hat.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">suffrage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Expression
+of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be
+both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote
+for the man of another man’s choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has
+the bad name of “incivism.” The incivilian, however, cannot be properly
+arraigned for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is
+himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits
+by the crime, for A’s abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote
+of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man
+tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The
+woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to
+jump back into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sycophant</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn
+and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased<br />
+To fix itself upon a part diseased<br />
+Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,<br />
+It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,<br />
+So the base sycophant with joy descries<br />
+His neighbor’s weak spot and his mouth applies,<br />
+Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,
+Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.<br />
+Gelasma, if it paid you to devote<br />
+Your talent to the service of a goat,<br />
+Showing by forceful logic that its beard<br />
+Is more than Aaron’s fit to be revered;<br />
+If to the task of honoring its smell<br />
+Profit had prompted you, and love as well,<br />
+The world would benefit at last by you<br />
+And wealthy malefactors weep anew—<br />
+Your favor for a moment’s space denied<br />
+And to the nobler object turned aside.<br />
+Is’t not enough that thrifty millionaires<br />
+Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,<br />
+Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly<br />
+To safer villainies of darker dye,<br />
+Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,<br />
+To steal (they call it “cornering”) our bread<br />
+May see you groveling their boots to lick<br />
+And begging for the favor of a kick?<br />
+Still must you follow to the bitter end<br />
+Your sycophantic disposition’s trend,<br />
+And in your eagerness to please the rich<br />
+Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?<br />
+In Morgan’s praise you smite the sounding wire,
+And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!<br />
+What’s Satan done that him you should eschew?<br />
+He too is reeking rich—deducting <i>you</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">syllogism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an
+inconsequent. (See logic.)</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">sylph</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element
+and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar
+products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders,
+which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs,
+like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if
+they had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks
+having ever been seen.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">symbol</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Something
+that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere
+“survivals”—things which having no longer any utility continue to exist because
+we have inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on
+memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We
+cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">symbolic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
+to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">They say ‘tis conscience feels compunction;<br />
+I hold that that’s the stomach’s function,<br />
+For of the sinner I have noted<br />
+<br />That when he’s sinned he’s somewhat bloated,<br />
+Or ill some other ghastly fashion<br />
+Within that bowel of compassion.<br />
+True, I believe the only sinner<br />
+Is he that eats a shabby dinner.<br />
+You know how Adam with good reason,<br />
+For eating apples out of season,<br />
+Was “cursed.” But that is all symbolic:<br />
+The truth is, Adam had the colic.</p>
+<p class="poetry">G. J.</p>
+</div>
+
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+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: T</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+
+<h1>T</h1>
+
+<p class="entry">T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly
+called <i>tau</i>. In the alphabet whence ours comes it
+had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone
+(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified <i>Tallegal</i>, translated by the learned Dr.
+Brownrigg, “tanglefoot.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Table D’Hote</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+caterer’s thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,<br />
+Took Madam P. to table,<br />
+And there deliriously fed<br />
+As fast as he was able.<br />
+“I dote upon good grub,” he cried,<br />
+Intent upon its throatage.<br />
+“Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,<br />
+“You’re in your <i>table d’hotage</i>.”</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Associated Poets</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tail</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The part
+of an animal’s spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an
+independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man
+is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy
+consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by
+a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be,
+and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the
+species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men
+described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an
+imagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of
+our pithecan past.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">take</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">talk</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tariff</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A scale
+of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the
+greed of his consumer.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The Enemy of Human Souls<br />
+Sat grieving at the cost of coals;<br />
+For Hell had been annexed of late,<br />
+And was a sovereign Southern State.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“It were no more than right,” said he,<br />
+“That I should get my fuel free.<br />
+The duty, neither just nor wise,<br />
+Compels me to economize—<br />
+Whereby my broilers, every one,<br />
+Are execrably underdone.<br />
+What would they have?&#8212;although I yearn<br />
+To do them nicely to a turn,<br />
+I can’t afford an honest heat.<br />
+This tariff makes even devils cheat!<br />
+I’m ruined, and my humble trade<br />
+All rascals may at will invade:<br />
+Beneath my nose the public press<br />
+Outdoes me in sulphureousness;<br />
+The bar ingeniously applies<br />
+To my undoing my own lies;<br />
+My medicines the doctors use<br />
+(Albeit vainly) to refuse<br />
+To me my fair and rightful prey<br />
+And keep their own in shape to pay;<br />
+The preachers by example teach<br />
+What, scorning to perform, I teach;<br />
+And statesmen, aping me, all make<br />
+More promises than they can break.<br />
+Against such competition I<br />
+Lift up a disregarded cry.<br />
+Since all ignore my just complaint,<br />
+By Hokey-Pokey! I’ll turn saint!”<br />
+Now, the Republicans, who all<br />
+Are saints, began at once to bawl<br />
+Against <i>his</i> competition; so<br />
+There was a devil of a go!<br />
+They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete<br />
+In acrimonious debate,<br />
+Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,<br />
+Had hopes of coming by their own.<br />
+That evil to avert, in haste<br />
+The two belligerents embraced;<br />
+But since ‘twere wicked to relax<br />
+A tittle of the Sacred Tax,<br />
+‘Twas finally agreed to grant<br />
+The bold Insurgent-protestant<br />
+A bounty on each soul that fell<br />
+Into his ineffectual Hell.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Edam Smith</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">technicality</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his
+neighbor of murder. His exact words were: “Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver
+and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one
+shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder.” The defendant was
+acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the
+words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,
+that being only an inference.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tedium</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Ennui,
+the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the
+word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it
+comes from a very obvious source—the first words of the ancient Latin hymn <i>Te
+Deum Laudamus</i>. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that
+saddens.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">teetotaler</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">telephone</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a
+disagreeable person keep his distance.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">telescope</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the
+ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless
+details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tenacity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It
+attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a
+serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative
+lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who
+has passed to his accounting:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Of such tenacity his grip<br />
+That nothing from his hand can slip.<br />
+Well-buttered eels you may o’erwhelm<br />
+In tubs of liquid slippery-elm<br />
+In vain—from his detaining pinch<br />
+They cannot struggle half an inch!<br />
+‘Tis lucky that he so is planned<br />
+That breath he draws not with his hand,<br />
+For if he did, so great his greed<br />
+He’d draw his last with eager speed.<br />
+Nay, that were well, you say. Not so<br />
+He’d draw but never let it go!</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">theosophy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of
+science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an
+incalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because
+one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a
+single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose
+to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good—that is perfection; and the
+Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of
+improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are
+disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were
+last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame
+Blavatsky, who had no cat.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tights</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the general acclamation of the
+press agent with a particular publicity. Public attention was once somewhat
+diverted from this garment to Miss Lillian Russell’s refusal to wear it, and
+many were the conjectures as to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall
+showing a high order of ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall’s
+belief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This
+theory was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the
+conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as to rank
+among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that
+in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell’s aversion to tights no one seems
+to have thought to ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as
+“modesty.” The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and
+possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The
+study of lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts
+themselves recovered. This is an epoch of <i>renaissances</i>,
+and there is ground for hope that the primitive “blush” may be dragged from its
+hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the stage.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tomb</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The House
+of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with a certain
+sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin to
+break them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns,
+explaining that a tomb may be innocently “glened” as soon as its occupant is
+done “smellynge,” the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now
+generally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity
+has been greatly dignified.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tope</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To tipple,
+booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is
+regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of
+civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the
+absemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred
+thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection
+two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With
+what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out
+of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of
+western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere
+the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too
+righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from
+the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation’s
+military power.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tortoise</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the
+illustrious Ambat Delaso:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">TO MY PET TORTOISE</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">My friend, you are not graceful—not at all;<br />
+Your gait’s between a stagger and a sprawl.<br />
+Nor are you beautiful: your head’s a snake’s<br />
+To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.<br />
+As to your feet, they’d make an angel weep.<br />
+‘Tis true you take them in whene’er you sleep.<br />
+No, you’re not pretty, but you have, I own,<br />
+A certain firmness—mostly you’re [sic] backbone.<br />
+Firmness and strength (you have a giant’s thews)<br />
+Are virtues that the great know how to use—<br />
+I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,<br />
+You lack—excuse my mentioning it—Soul.<br />
+So, to be candid, unreserved and true,<br />
+I’d rather you were I than I were you.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Perhaps, however, in a time to be,<br />
+When Man’s extinct, a better world may see<br />
+Your progeny in power and control,<br />
+Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">So I salute you as a reptile grand<br />
+Predestined to regenerate the land.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Father of Possibilities, O deign<br />
+To accept the homage of a dying reign!<br />
+In the far region of the unforeknown<br />
+I dream a tortoise upon every throne.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">I see an Emperor his head withdraw<br />
+Into his carapace for fear of Law;</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">A King who carries something else than fat,<br />
+Howe’er acceptably he carries that;<br />
+A President not strenuously bent<br />
+On punishment of audible dissent—</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Who never shot (it were a vain attack)<br />
+An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;<br />
+Subject and citizens that feel no need<br />
+To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;<br />
+All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,<br />
+And “Take your time” the word, in Church and State.<br />
+O Tortoise, ‘tis a happy, happy dream,<br />
+My glorious testudinous regime!</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">I wish in Eden you’d brought this about<br />
+By slouching in and chasing Adam out.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">tree</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A tall
+vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a
+miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all.
+When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an
+important factor in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South
+its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the
+public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. That
+the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch
+(who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder)
+is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two
+centuries:</p>
+
+<p>While in yt londe
+I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge
+yt I saw naught remarkabyll in it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe
+made answer as followeth:</p>
+
+<p>“Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall see dependynge fr. his braunches
+all soch as have affroynted ye King his Majesty.”</p>
+
+<p>And I was furder tolde yt ye worde “Ghogo” sygnifyeth in yr tong ye same as “rapscal” in our
+owne.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trauvells in ye Easte</i></p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">trial</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A formal
+inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of
+judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary
+to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the
+prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this
+person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous
+gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In
+our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval
+times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast
+that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and,
+if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain
+fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil
+tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued <i>in
+contumaciam</i> the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they
+were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some
+pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy’s legs, upsetting him, were arrested
+on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned
+at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D’Addosio
+relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs,
+goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and
+morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds
+about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of
+Heidelberg University, directed that some of “the aquatic worms” be brought
+before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and
+absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three
+days on pain of incurring “the malediction of God.” In the voluminous records
+of this <i>cause celebre</i> nothing is
+found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed
+forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">trichinosis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+pig’s reply to proponents of porcophagy.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Moses Mendlessohn
+having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the
+philosopher’s disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. “You
+need and immediate change of diet,” he said; “you must eat six ounces of pork
+every other day.”</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Pork?” shrieked the patient—“pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!”</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Do you mean that?” the doctor gravely asked.</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“I swear it!”</p>
+
+<p class="dialog">“Good!&#8212;then I will undertake to cure you.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Trinity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In the
+multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities
+consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such
+as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must
+urge individually their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is
+one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because
+it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological
+fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in
+the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible
+one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Troglodyte</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Specifically,
+a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A
+famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The
+colony consisted of “every one that was in distress, and every one that was in
+debt, and every one that was discontented”—in brief, all the Socialists of
+Judah.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">truce</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Friendship.</p>
+
+<p id="truth" class="entry"><span class="def">truth</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the
+sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human
+mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">truthful</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Dumb
+and illiterate.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">trust</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty
+working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the
+courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">turkey</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A large
+bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar
+property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">twice</span>, <span class="pos">adv.</span> Once
+too often.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">type</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Pestilent
+bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite
+their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An African
+insect (<i>Glossina morsitans</i>) whose bite is commonly
+regarded as nature’s most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients
+prefer that of the American novelist (<i>Mendax interminabilis</i>).</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1 class="title">The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary</h1>
+
+<h2 class="title">AMBROSE BIERCE</h2>
+
+<p class="title">Originally published by Neale Publishing Company in 1911.</p>
+
+<p class="title">This version began as a plain ASCII text from Project
+Gutenberg, and was entered by Aloysius of &amp;tSftDotIotE (aloysius@west.darkside.com)</p>
+
+<p class="title">Open eBook formatting and editing was performed July&#x2013;September, 2000 by
+Peter K. Sheerin (psheerin@petesguide.com), with formatting based on that found in the 1993
+Dover Publications edition.</p>
+</body>
+</html>
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+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: U</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>U</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ubiquity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all
+times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether
+only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not
+clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain
+Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ’s body were known as
+Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ’s body is
+present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more
+than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been
+understood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot
+be in two places at once unless he is a bird.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ugliness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">ultimatum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.</p>
+
+<p>Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.</p>
+
+<p>“O servant of the Prophet,” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the
+Invincible Army, “how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?”</p>
+
+<p>“Upholder of the Faith,” that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, “they are in
+numbers as the leaves of the forest!”</p>
+
+<p>“And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?”
+he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy.</p>
+
+<p>“Uncle of the Full Moon,” was the reply, “deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean,
+the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!”</p>
+
+<p>For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with
+evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, “Sons
+of angels,” he said, “the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the
+Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">un-American</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Wicked,
+intolerable, heathenish.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">unction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil
+consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury
+relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English
+nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and
+no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: </p>
+
+<p>“Then I’ll be damned if I die!”</p>
+
+<p>“My son,” said the priest, “this is what we fear.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">understanding</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by
+the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by
+Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">His understanding was so keen<br />
+That all things which he’d felt, heard, seen,<br />
+He could interpret without fail<br />
+If he was in or out of jail.<br />
+He wrote at Inspiration’s call<br />
+Deep disquisitions on them all,<br />
+Then, pent at last in an asylum,<br />
+Performed the service to compile ‘em.<br />
+So great a writer, all men swore,<br />
+They never had not read before.</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Jorrock Wormley</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Unitarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">universalist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
+who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">urbanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New
+York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “I beg your pardon,” and
+it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">The owner of a powder mill<br />
+Was musing on a distant hill—<br />
+Something his mind foreboded—<br />
+When from the cloudless sky there fell<br />
+A deviled human kidney! Well,<br />
+The man’s mill had exploded.<br />
+His hat he lifted from his head;<br />
+“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said;<br />
+“I didn’t know ‘twas loaded.”</p>
+<p class="citeauth">Swatkin</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">usage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The First
+Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and
+Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an
+industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">uxoriousness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+perverted affection that has strayed to one’s own wife.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: V</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>V</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">valor</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler’s hope.</p>
+
+<p>“Why have you halted?” roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a
+charge; “move forward, sir, at once.”</p>
+
+<p>“General,” said the commander of the delinquent brigade, “I am persuaded that any further
+display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">vanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">They say that hens do cackle loudest when<br />
+There’s nothing vital in the eggs they’ve laid;<br />
+And there are hens, professing to have made<br />
+A study of mankind, who say that men<br />
+Whose business ‘tis to drive the tongue or pen<br />
+Make the most clamorous fanfaronade<br />
+O’er their most worthless work; and I’m afraid<br />
+They’re not entirely different from the hen.<br />
+Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,<br />
+His blazing breeches and high-towering cap—<br />
+Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,<br />
+Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!<br />
+Who’d think this gorgeous creature’s only virtue Is that in
+battle he will never hurt you?</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Hannibal Hunsiker</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">virtues</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. Certain
+abstentions.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">vituperation</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Saite,
+as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">vote</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a
+wreck of his country.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
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+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: W</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>W</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara">W (double U) has,
+of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of the
+others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian
+is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like <i>epixoriambikos</i>. Still, it is now thought
+by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may
+have been concerned in the decline of “the glory that was Greece” and the rise
+of “the grandeur that was Rome.” There can be no doubt, however, that by
+simplifying the name of W (calling it “wow,” for example) our civilization
+could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Wall Street</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves
+is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even
+the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the
+matter.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Carnegie the dauntless
+has uttered his call To battle: “The brokers are parasites all!” Carnegie,
+Carnegie, you’ll never prevail;</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
+Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray—</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! While still you’re possessed of a single baubee (I
+wish it were pledged to endowment of me) ‘Twere wise to retreat from the wars
+of finance Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. For a man ‘twixt a
+king of finance and the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Anonymus Bink</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">war</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A by-product of the arts of
+peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of
+international amity. The student of history who has not been taught
+to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself inaccessible to the
+light. “In time of peace prepare for war” has a deeper meaning than
+is commonly discerned; it means, not merely that all things earthly
+have an end—that change is the one immutable and eternal law—but
+that the soil of peace is thickly sown with the seeds of war and
+singularly suited to their germination and growth. It was when Kubla Khan
+had decreed his “stately pleasure dome”—when, that is to say, there
+were peace and fat feasting in Xanadu—that he heard from afar
+Ancestral voices prophesying war.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">One of the
+greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of men, and it was not for
+nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have a little less of “hands
+across the sea,” and a little more of that elemental distrust that is the
+security of nations. War loves to come like a thief in the night; professions
+of eternal amity provide the night.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Washingtonian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the
+advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did
+not want to.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">They took away his vote and gave instead<br />
+The right, when he had earned, to <i>eat</i> his bread.<br />
+In vain—he clamors for his “boss,” pour soul,<br />
+To come again and part him from his roll.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Offenbach Stutz</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">weaknesses</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. Certain
+primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her
+species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious
+energies.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">weather</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it
+does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from
+naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official
+weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments
+are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Once I dipt into
+the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as
+any one can be—</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Dead and damned
+and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom
+paralleled on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent
+youth, From the coals that he’d preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast
+his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos what
+I venture here to quote—</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">For I read it in
+the rose-light of the everlasting glow:</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">“Cloudy; variable
+winds, with local showers; cooler; snow.”</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Halcyon Jones</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">wedding</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become
+nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">werewolf</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil
+disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but
+some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired
+taste for human flesh.</p>
+
+<p>Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and
+went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they
+consulted the local priest, who told them that their captive was undoubtedly a
+werewolf and had resumed its human for during the night. “The next time that
+you take a wolf,” the good man said, “see that you chain it by the leg, and in
+the morning you will find a Lutheran.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Whangdepootenawah,</span> <span class="pos">n.</span> In the
+Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Should you ask me whence this laughter,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Whence this audible big-smiling,</p>
+<p class="poetry">With its labial extension,</p>
+<p class="poetry">With its maxillar distortion</p>
+<p class="poetry">And its diaphragmic rhythmus</p>
+<p class="poetry">Like the billowing of an ocean,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Like the shaking of a carpet,</p>
+<p class="poetry">I should answer, I should tell you:</p>
+<p class="poetry">From the great deeps of the spirit,</p>
+<p class="poetry">From the unplummeted abysmus</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of the soul this laughter welleth</p>
+<p class="poetry">As the fountain, the gug-guggle,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Like the river from the canon [sic],</p>
+<p class="poetry">To entoken and give warning</p>
+<p class="poetry">That my present mood is sunny.</p>
+<p class="poetry">Should you ask me further question—</p>
+<p class="poetry">Why the great deeps of the spirit,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Why the unplummeted abysmus</p>
+<p class="poetry">Of the soule extrudes this laughter,</p>
+<p class="poetry">This all audible big-smiling,</p>
+<p class="poetry">I should answer, I should tell you</p>
+<p class="poetry">With a white heart, tumpitumpy,</p>
+<p class="poetry">With a true tongue, honest Injun:</p>
+<p class="poetry">William Bryan, he has Caught It,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Caught the Whangdepootenawah!</p>
+<p class="poetry">Is’t the sandhill crane, the shankank,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Standing silent in the kneedeep</p>
+<p class="poetry">With his wing-tips crossed behind him</p>
+<p class="poetry">And his neck close-reefed before him,</p>
+<p class="poetry">With his bill, his william, buried</p>
+<p class="poetry">In the down upon his bosom,</p>
+<p class="poetry">With his head retracted inly,</p>
+<p class="poetry">While his shoulders overlook it?</p>
+<p class="poetry">Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Shiver grayly in the north wind,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Wishing he had died when little,</p>
+<p class="poetry">As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?</p>
+<p class="poetry">No ‘tis not the Shankank standing,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Standing in the gray and dismal</p>
+<p class="poetry">Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.</p>
+<p class="poetry">No, ‘tis peerless William Bryan</p>
+<p class="poetry">Realizing that he’s Caught It,</p>
+<p class="poetry">Caught the Whangdepootenawah!</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">wheat</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A cereal
+from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which
+is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread <i>per capita</i> of population than any other
+people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">white</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> and n.
+Black.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">widow</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously,
+although Christ’s tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features
+of his character.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">wine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Fermented
+grape-juice known to the Women’s Christian Union as “liquor,” sometimes as
+“rum.” Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">wit</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The salt
+with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it
+out.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">witch</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> (1) Any
+ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A
+beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">witticism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
+sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine
+is pleased to call a “joke.”</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">woman</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p>
+
+<p>An animal usually
+living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to
+domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain
+vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of
+the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the
+virtue and declare that such as creation’s dawn beheld, it roareth now. The
+species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all
+habitable parts of the globe, from Greeland’s spicy mountains to India’s moral
+strand. The popular name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat
+kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the American
+variety (<i>felis pugnans</i>), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Balthasar Pober</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">worms’-meat</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj
+Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium. Worms’-meat is usually
+outlasted by the structure that houses it, but “this too must pass away.” Probably
+the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb
+for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by
+contrast the foreknown futility.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!<br />
+How profitless the labor you bestow<br />
+Upon a dwelling whose magnificence<br />
+The tenant neither can admire nor know.<br />
+Build deep, build high, build massive as you can,<br />
+The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan<br />
+By shouldering asunder all the stones<br />
+In what to you would be a moment’s span.<br />
+Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies<br />
+That when your marble is all dust, arise,<br />
+If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn—<br />
+You’ll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.<br />
+What though of all man’s works your tomb alone
+Should stand till Time himself be overthrown?<br />
+Would it advantage you to dwell therein<br />
+Forever as a stain upon a stone?</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Joel Huck</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">worship</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Homo
+Creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A
+popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">wrath</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Anger of
+a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous
+occasions; as, “the wrath of God,” “the day of wrath,” etc. Amongst the
+ancients the wrath of kings was deemed sacred, for it could usually command the
+agency of some god for its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The
+Greeks before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the
+frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of Achilles,
+though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor roasted. A similar
+noted immunity was that of David when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by
+numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with their
+lives. God is now Love, and a director of the census performs his work without
+apprehension of disaster.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/W.html.i
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+10 pages
+size 400 552
+length 14117
+396 2 10 body html
+0
+1443 2 31 body html
+159
+3459 2 69 body html
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+72
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+0
+13208 2 261 body html
+0
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+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/X.html
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+<?xml version="1.0"?>       
+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: X</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>X</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara">X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the
+spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language.
+X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc.,
+stands for Christ, not, as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross,
+but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of
+his name&#8212;<i>Xristos</i>. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, who “testified” upon one of
+that shape. In the algebra of psychology x stands for Woman’s mind. Words
+beginning with X are Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/X.html.i
@@ -1,0 +1,5 @@
+1 pages
+size 400 552
+length 1145
+396 2 10 body html
+0
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+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/Y.html
@@ -1,0 +1,72 @@
+<?xml version="1.0"?>       
+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Y</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>Y</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Yankee</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
+Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In
+the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMNYANK.)</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">year</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A period
+of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">yesterday</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">But yesterday I should have thought me blest<br />
+To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak<br />
+Of middle life and look adown the bleak<br />
+And unfamiliar foreslope to the West,<br />
+Where solemn shadows all the land invest<br />
+And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak<br />
+Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak<br />
+The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest.<br />
+Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame<br />
+To stay the shadow on the dial’s face<br />
+At manhood’s noonmark! Now, in God His name<br />
+I chide aloud the little interspace<br />
+Disparting me from Certitude, and fain<br />
+Would know the dream and vision ne’er again.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Baruch Arnegriff</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="indentpara">It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven
+doctors.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">yoke</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+implement, madam, to whose Latin name, <i>jugum</i>,
+we owe one of the most illuminating words in our language—a word that defines
+the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. A thousand
+apologies for withholding it.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">youth</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a
+following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.</p>
+
+<p class="poetry">Youth is the true Saturnian Reign,<br />
+the Golden Age on earth again,<br />
+when figs are grown on thistles,<br />
+and pigs betailed with whistles and,<br />
+wearing silken bristles,<br />
+live ever in clover,<br />
+and clows fly over,<br />
+delivering milk at every door,<br />
+and Justice never is heard to snore,<br />
+and every assassin is made a ghost<br />
+and, howling, is cast into Baltimost!</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Polydore Smith</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/Y.html.i
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+2 pages
+size 400 552
+length 2842
+396 2 10 body html
+0
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+0
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+<?xml version="1.0"?>       
+<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN"       
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Z</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+
+
+<h1>Z</h1>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">zany</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A popular
+character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the <i>buffone</i>, or clown, and was therefore the
+ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the
+play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the
+unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the
+humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the
+curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who
+apes the devil.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Zanzibari</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
+inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the eastern coast of Africa. The
+Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in this country through a
+threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few years ago. The American
+consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy
+beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this official’s family, and against
+repeated remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city
+persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down to the edge
+of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the
+consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most
+conspicuous part of her person. Unfortunately for the existing <i>entente cordiale</i> between two great
+nations, she was the Sultana.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">zeal</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A certain
+nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth
+before a sprawl.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward<br />
+He went away exclaiming: “O my Lord!”<br />
+“What do you want?” the Lord asked, bending down.<br />
+“An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown.”</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Jum Coople</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">zenith</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
+point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A
+man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though
+from this view of the matter there was once a considerably dissent among the
+learned, some holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were
+called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy
+was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous
+Verticalist. Entering an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter,
+he cast a severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to
+determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels
+outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists
+hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be
+pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its place among <i>fides defuncti</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">Zeus</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The chief
+of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as
+God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of
+America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to
+the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct
+deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that
+the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he
+worships under many sacred names.</p>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">zigzag</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
+move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man’s
+burden. (From <i>zed</i>, <i>z</i>, and <i>jag</i>,
+an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="poetry">He zedjagged so uncomen wyde<br />
+Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;<br />
+So, to com saufly thruh, I been<br />
+Constreynet for to doodge betwene.</p>
+
+<p class="citeauth">Munwele</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="entry"><span class="def">zoology</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The science
+and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly (<i>Musca
+maledicta</i>). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded,
+but the name of its mother has not come down to us. Two of the science’s most
+illustrious expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we
+learn (<i>L’Histoire generale des animaux</i> and <i>A History of Animated Nature</i>)
+that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.</p>
+
+</body>    
+</html>
\ No newline at end of file
--- /dev/null
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+3 pages
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\ No newline at end of file
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+++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/foreword.html
@@ -1,0 +1,99 @@
+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Editor&rsquo;s Foreword</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1>Editor&rsquo;s Foreword</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara">This Open eBook edition of <i>The Devil&#x2019;s Dictionary</i> was begun as a way for
+me to learn the Open eBook (OEB) structure and how to write clean XHTML that duplicates the original formatting of the 
+typeset edition.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Having hit the limitations of the OEB format and current OEB readers in this attempt, I am
+posting this early version of my conversion effort as a test document that illustrates the shortcomings of the
+format and is meant to encourage the developers to address these issues in forthcoming versions of their software
+and the OEB specification itself.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">The most difficult problem I have faced in formatting <i>The Devil&#x2019;s Dictionary</i>
+has been poetry. The print copy I own has the poems formatted so that the attribution line is right justified
+with the end of the longest line of the poem, no stanza is broken across pages, and the whole thing is centered
+within the margins of the body text. This is a very natural way to format the poetry, yet it is impossible to
+duplicate this structure with the current eBook readers&mdash;most notably, with Microsoft Reader.</p>
+
+<p>First, the only
+way to create the desired justification and centering with HTML is to place the whole poem inside one table. This
+works for small poems, but not for larger ones because MS Reader cuts off all text in a table cell when the end
+of the page is reached, preventing long poems from being displayed in their entirity. Additionally, if each stanza
+is placed inside a pair of paragraph tags (as would seem natural) many of the indents must be accomplished by
+adjusting the left margin of that individual line with a <code>&lt;span&gt;</code> tag. This should work, since
+both this tag and the left margin property are applied to all elements (block and inline) according to the HTML and
+CSS specifications. MS Reader, however, ignores this instruction. An example of this formatting
+is found in the &ldquo;A&rdquo; section of the <i>Dictionary</i>.</p>
+
+<p>An alternate way to format the poems is to enclose each poem in a <code>&lt;blockquote&gt;</code> tag,
+each line in its own paragraph tag (with different CSS classes to handle the needed indents and close up
+the line spacing) and, each stanza in a <code>&lt;span&gt;</code> tag (with the CSS page-break-after property set
+to avoid breaking across pages). However, the blockquote&rsquo;s margins causes many poems towrap, does not
+center the poem, places the attribution line (and any right-justified lines of the poem) almost at the right margin
+of the book (sometimes far away from the poem itself), and MS Reader ignores the instructions to not
+wrap the stanzas. This method is demonstrated in the &ldquo;B&rdquo; section of the <i>Dictionary</i>.</p>
+
+<p>As I was writing this, I thought of what should have been an obvious construct for these poems: putting
+each stanza in a separate table cell. This solves many, but not all, of the problems described above. For poems
+with short- or medium-length stanzas viewed with the PC version of MS Reader on a large-screen laptop
+it should work fine. But for a PocketPC, or even for poems with long single stanzas on a PC, the bottom of each long
+stanza will still be lost. You can see the results of this experiment in the &ldquo;C&rdquo; section of the
+<i>Dictionary</i>.</p>
+
+<p>These issues can best be demonstrated by one representative poem in each of the first three sections, when
+reading the book in the desktop version of MS Reader. <a href="A.html#abracadabra">Abracadabra</a> should
+be separated into stanzas with 1em of space between each, but since Reader ignores the <code>&lt;span&gt;</code>
+tag, it is just one long block. The poem cited under the definition of <a href="B.html#beg">beg</a> exemplifies
+the problems with the wide right margin described above. Although not perfect, the poem cited under
+<a href="C.html#carmelite">carmelite</a> is presented almost exactly as it should be. The poem is properly
+centered, the indents and right justification appear as intended, and the poem is broken across pages only
+between stanzas. But when viewed on a smaller screen (almost certainly with a Pocket PC) the first stanza
+alone will likely be cut off.</p>
+
+<p>A major additional problem, not specific to this book, is the inability of any current OEB reader to handle
+Unicode text, as mandated in the OEB specification. An example of how such a Unicode document appears is
+demonstrated in sections &ldquo;D&rdquo; (UTF-8) and &ldquo;E&rdquo; (UTF-16) of the <i>Dictionary</i>. Notice that
+the Unicode signature/byte-order mark which appears at the beginning of each of these files causes problems with
+both the readers and with the authoring tools. The MobiPocket Publisher can not complete the conversion
+process at all, and while ReaderWorks handles both relatively OK, MS Reader can not display UTF-8 files
+correctly (the Unicode signature causes it to ignore all CSS formatting and UTF-8 characters are displayed
+as their literal byte sequence, something specifically forbidden by the OEB specification) and the whole
+section &ldquo;E&rdquo; disappears because of the byte-order mark.</p>
+
+<p>Most sections beyond E have not yet been fully formatted, so please do not expect them to look pretty.</p>
+
+<h2>Project Gutenberg</h2>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Another goal is much broader. I have long known of Project Gutenberg, but have
+always found its insistence on plain ASCII to be a handicap that limited its appeal and usability. Don&#x2019;t
+get me wrong&#x2014;the effort has provided a  tremendous resource, and at the time the project was begun
+(and until very recently) plain ASCII was clearly the best  choice. But you can&#x2019;t properly format a book
+with just ASCII characters. Not only must basic things such as *bold* and _italics_ be indicated in a funky
+manner, it is simply impossible to preserve the accented characters, ligatures, and many other important
+features. And trying to display such a work legibly on a PDA or eBbook reader with a small screen is
+impossible, given the hard line breaks that are present (keeping the text from flowing properly).</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">With is footing solidly in HTML and XML and its completely open nature, the Open eBook
+format is the ideal structure in which to continue the goals of Project Gutenberg on into the 21<sup>st</sup>
+century. So this edition of <i>The Devil&#x2019;s Dictionary</i> is not meant just as a personal learning
+project, but as an example of the benefits to offering current and future editions as Open eBooks. I don&#x2019;t
+dispute the benefits of the current plain ASCII versions, but with the right automation tools, future editions
+could begin as Open eBooks and then be converted to plain ASCII, making both versions available without
+duplicated effort. This would be far preferable to starting with plain ASCII versions and converting them to
+Open eBook. This is the method I obviously used for this edition, and I assure you that it is quite tedious 
+and not well-suited as a standard practice.</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: right">Peter K. Sheerin</p>
+</body>
+</html>
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+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Table of Contents</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-US">
+<h1 align="center">Table of Contents</h1>   
+<p><a href="TitlePage.html">Title Page</a></p>   
+<p><a href="foreword.html">Foreword</a></p>   
+<p><a href="preface.html">Author&#8217;s Preface</a></p>   
+<ul>   
+  <li><a href="A.html">A</a></li>   
+  <li><a href="B.html">B</a></li>   
+  <li><a href="C.html">C</a></li>   
+  <li><a href="D.html">D</a></li>  
+  <li><a href="E.html">E</a></li> 
+  <li><a href="F.html">F</a></li>
+  <li><a href="G.html">G</a></li>
+  <li><a href="H.html">H</a></li>
+  <li><a href="I.html">I</a></li>
+  <li><a href="J.html">J</a></li>
+  <li><a href="K.html">K</a></li>
+  <li><a href="L.html">L</a></li>
+  <li><a href="M.html">M</a></li>
+  <li><a href="N.html">N</a></li>
+  <li><a href="O.html">O</a></li>
+  <li><a href="P.html">P</a></li>
+  <li><a href="Q.html">Q</a></li>
+  <li><a href="R.html">R</a></li>
+  <li><a href="S.html">S</a></li>
+  <li><a href="T.html">T</a></li>
+  <li><a href="U.html">U</a></li>
+  <li><a href="V.html">V</a></li>
+  <li><a href="W.html">W</a></li>
+  <li><a href="X.html">X</a></li>
+  <li><a href="Y.html">Y</a></li>
+  <li><a href="Z.html">Z</a></li>
+</ul>
+</body>
+</html> 
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+    "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" />
+<title>The Devil&#8217;s Dictionary: Preface</title>
+</head>
+<body lang="en-us">
+
+<h1>Preface</h1>
+
+<p class="firstpara"><i>The Devil&#x2019;s Dictionary</i>
+was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way at 
+long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in 
+covers with the title <i>The Cynic&#x2019;s Word Book</i>, 
+a name which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To 
+quote the publishers of the present work:</p> 
+ 
+<p class="indentpara">&#x201c;This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of 
+the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural 
+consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been 
+flooded by its imitators with a score of &#x2018;cynic&#x2019; books&#x2014;<i>The Cynic&#x2019;s This</i>, <i>The Cynic&#x2019;s That</i>,
+and <i>The Cynic&#x2019;s t&#x2019;Other</i>. Most of these books 
+were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of silliness. 
+Among them, they brought the word &#x2018;cynic&#x2019; into disfavor so deep that any book 
+bearing it was discredited in advance of publication.&#x201d;</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such 
+parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, 
+anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular 
+speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, 
+but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In 
+merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom 
+the work is addressed&#x2014;enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to 
+sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.</p>
+
+<p class="indentpara">A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative 
+quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenius 
+cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father 
+Jape&#x2019;s kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is 
+greatly indebted.</p>
+
+<p style="text-align: right">A. B.</p>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="DrBillBio.css" />
+<title>Bill Wattenburg’s Background: Fixing BART Safety</title>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+<h1>Fixing BART Safety (Bay Area Rapid Transit System)</h1>
+
+<h2>(1972–1974)</h2>
+
+<p>Wattenburg’s two-year running battle with the BART agency appears to be the first time
+he publicly confronted a government agency as a scientist. We found over fifty-five
+press reports with his name involved with this subject during the period 1972 to 1974. Some of
+the history we summarize below comes from a U.S. Department of Transportation (DOT) internal
+report we obtained from a congressional staff member. DOT was evidently funding BART and
+concerned about Wattenburg’s highly publicized criticisms of BART management.</p>
+
+<p>The State of California asked Wattenburg to fix the electronic train control problems that
+plagued the new Bay Area Rapid Transit System (BART). BART and Westinghouse Corp.
+engineers who designed the system insisted that there were no problems and essentially told the
+State of California safety officials to go to hell. BART claimed that the state safety officials were
+needlessly preventing Bay Area commuters from getting full benefit of the BART system.</p>
+
+<p>With the encouragement of exasperated state officials, Wattenburg, acting only as a taxpayer,
+confronted the local BART managers at their bi-weekly public meetings for two years running
+while many of his public predictions of safety problems came true. BART management was
+eventually fired, and the State demanded that Wattenburg’s clever design modifications be
+installed before the BART system could run full service. The press confirmed that Wattenburg
+refused all payment from BART and the State for his efforts.</p>
+
+<p>During this nationally publicized battle, Wattenburg first described many of his design
+improvements for BART to the press and over KGO Radio in terms that the lay public could
+understand. It became a popular game for his listeners to know more—and sooner—about BART
+design problems than the BART engineers. He generated press headlines the next day for months
+on end. His radio shows and the subsequent press stories each week carried his predictions of the
+next problem or accident that would occur on BART—and they invariably happened on schedule.
+He literally intimidated the incompetent BART management out of office with the power of talk radio.</p>
+
+<br />
+<p><b>Here is a summary of the sequence of events:</b></p>
+<br />
+
+<p>BART as an independent agency experienced some early safety problems with a new
+electronic train control system built by Westinghouse Corp. One train ran away during trial runs
+of the new BART system. BART and Westinghouse engineers insisted that this was a “one in a
+hundred-million failure that could never happen again.” BART would not cooperate with state
+agencies that wanted to investigate these problems before giving BART approval to operate the
+trains.</p>
+
+<p>The noted California legislative analyst, A. Alan Post, enlisted U. C. Berkeley Professor
+Bill Wattenburg to evaluate the design of the BART automated train control system designed by
+Westinghouse. Wattenburg subsequently testified at a state senate committee hearing that he had
+found some serious design flaws in the Westinghouse design and warned that the system was
+unsafe to operate. Westinghouse and BART both protested vehemently that Wattenburg was
+unqualified in the field and that he was “just a headline grabbing radio talk-show host and only a
+junior faculty member at Berkeley looking to impress his students.”</p>
+
+<p>Wattenburg was the sole expert witness for the state. Seven senior Westinghouse and
+BART executives told the confused state senators that Wattenburg was wrong.</p>
+
+<p>A flurry of front-page stories report that Wattenburg then responded by offering a list of
+the most probable dangerous failures that would occur in the BART system that could lead to
+collisions between high-speed trains. He even estimated the time periods for when these failures
+would likely occur. BART and Westinghouse engineers were furious. They denied that any of
+these failures could ever happen. Both BART and Westinghouse threatened to “take legal action
+against Wattenburg if he persisted in making inflammatory statements that destroyed the public’s
+confidence in the BART system.”</p>
+
+<p>Wattenburg’s answer to the BART threats was to give a quote to Herb Caen, the most
+widely read columnist on the west coast. The item appeared the next day in the San Francisco
+Chronicle. Wattenburg said that if the BART train control system was not fixed, it would be “the
+world’s most expensive, computer-controlled, track-mounted pinball machine.” The battle lines
+were drawn. Bay Area readers who were riding BART were shocked by the front-page stories
+that appeared the next day.</p>
+
+<p>The first of Wattenburg’s predictions actually occurred the following week as the
+California Public Utilities Commission (PUC) inspectors were monitoring the BART operation.
+They discovered that trains disappeared at certain times from the master control panel. Central
+controllers didn’t know where some trains were on the tracks for several minutes at a time. This
+meant that the automated train control system could be telling one train to speed right into
+another train parked ahead—a train that it didn’t know about. This is the most dangerous
+situation that can happen on any railroad.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally, the PUC and the press swarmed all over Wattenburg to explain why he was able
+to predict that this would happen. He told them he could only show them with “a little
+experiment”, and that BART would have to cooperate to let him demonstrate the cause of the
+problem. BART objected. The PUC threatened to shut BART down completely unless BART
+could identify the problem or prove it was corrected immediately. BART allowed Wattenburg to do
+his experiment.</p>
+
+<p>Wattenburg led everyone to a section of unused BART track early on a foggy morning.
+He pointed to the rusty surface on the normally shiny track. He motioned for a waiting train to
+move forward. He told a PUC inspector to call his colleagues waiting at BART central.
+Wattenburg said: “I’ll bet they can’t see that train right now.” The reporters watched the PUC
+inspector get the word from BART central and then nod that Wattenburg was right.</p>
+
+<p>Next, Wattenburg ordered the train to run back and forth over this stretch of track several
+times. He announced: “Now they can see the train.” The PUC inspector on the portable phone
+confirmed that he was right again. Then Wattenburg gave them the answer and how he was able
+to predict the problem.</p>
+
+<p>He explained that he had first noticed that the Westinghouse designers had used very low-voltage (less than a volt) to shunt a current across the rails through the steel wheels and axle of a
+train. This shunt signal is what tells central control that a train is at a given location. Standard
+train control systems use a much higher voltage, like 15 volts. He explained how this low-voltage
+scheme probably worked very well in the nice, clean Westinghouse factory where they tested their
+new design. But it doesn’t rain inside the factory. When it rains, or there is heavy fog, the shiny
+steel rails take on a thin layer of rust very quickly. The rusty surface has a much higher electrical
+resistance that clean rails. The low voltage cannot drive a current through the rusty surface on
+the rails. Hence, there is no signal of where the train is on the tracks.</p>
+
+<p>Then, according to the press reports, he made another seemingly arrogant prediction. He
+told them that a train would only disappear when:</p>
+
+<ol>
+ <li>The track had not been used for several hours during rain or heavy fog, and</li>
+ <li>The missing train would be the first or second train to use the track after the
+ unused period during which the track had been exposed to rain or fog.</li>
+</ol>
+
+<p>“Other than that,” he said, “the BART system was marginally safe and
+riders shouldn’t worry.”</p>
+
+<p>The PUC inspectors rushed to check their records of past missing trains. BART public
+relations issued a press release saying that Wattenburg was trying to “dazzle the press with
+scientific hocus-pocus.” The Bay Area papers all included the BART accusation in their stories.</p>
+
+<p>The PUC confirmed that Wattenburg was right two days later. Trains had only disappeared on the BART tracks in the early mornings after it had rained or been very foggy the
+night before, and it was almost always the first or second train over the tracks. But, there was one
+case in which a third train had been missing for short intervals as well.</p>
+
+<p>BART public relations next tried to suggest that everything that Wattenburg said shouldn’t
+be believed because he had not been accurate about how many trains were required to clean the
+tracks so that BART could run safely. When the press asked Wattenburg for his comments on this,
+he said: “Well, I guess I screwed up on that third train. I’ll have to take back what I said. The
+system is not as safe as I thought it was.”</p>
+
+<p>BART soon announced that it had solved the missing train problem by installing special
+“scrubbers” on its trains. (The scrubbers were nothing more than pieces of metal dragged along
+the track to scrape off the rust.) BART would run special “pilot” trains every morning to make sure
+the tracks were clean before passenger trains moved onto the tracks. Their press release stated
+that no one could have predicted this problem because “the special rails that they had ordered for
+this futuristic system had never before been tested.”</p>
+
+<p>Wattenburg countered with his usual stinging sarcasm: “This is really a futuristic system,
+alright. I wonder if anyone ever reminded them that in the eighteen hundreds the cities used to
+hire boys to walk along behind horse-drawn carriages to scoop up the horse manure so it wouldn’t
+blow in the citizens’ faces?”</p>
+
+<p>He then announced his next challenge. He said that he had had his electrical engineering
+students at CAL design a simple battery-powered electronic package that any BART rider could
+carry along with him on the train to make sure that the train control system knew where the train
+was at all times. “I mean these are my undergraduate students. They don’t know enough yet to
+design anything fancy. So, it’s cheap and it works great. Just ask the PUC inspectors. I’ll bet they
+were wondering why train number 102 never disappeared this morning even though it rained last
+night.”</p>
+
+<p>A reporter hinted that one of Wattenburg’s students had been on that train. The story
+reported that the device his students had built was nothing more than a radio frequency noise
+generator that messed up the normal train control signals in the track immediately below the train
+wherever it went. This caused the train control error detection circuits to report a problem at
+that location. This created a moving problem indicator with the train number on it to appear on
+the central control screen. Hence, the error indicator told central control where the train was at
+all times.</p>
+
+<p>Westinghouse engineers immediately complained that this scheme would disable their
+error detection circuits and endanger the whole BART system. Wattenburg countered with:
+“Why in the hell do you need error detection electronics when you know the whole damn system
+is broken down all the time anyway without even asking? Why not put these unemployed circuits
+to work so that we can get some people to work for a change?”</p>
+
+<p>The PUC wanted to test the device immediately. BART threatened to have Wattenburg
+arrested if he took any electronic device on a train that interfered with the train control system.
+Wattenburg offered the press an estimate of how long it would be before the BART track
+scrubbers would cut so much metal off the rails that they would have to be replaced. A later story
+suggested that the PUC did test Wattenburg’s device and BART agreed to use it so long as the
+PUC ordered BART to do so and Wattenburg agreed to say no more about it. However,
+Westinghouse notified BART that all its warranties would be voided if any foreign device was
+installed or used without their permission. It’s not clear what happened thereafter, but the missing
+train problem did suddenly disappear—at least from the press coverage.</p>
+
+<p>After this episode, the press evidently began to believe that Wattenburg was for real. The
+stories that followed looked into both his background and the qualifications of the Westinghouse
+designers.</p>
+
+<p>A reporter discovered that NASA had hired Wattenburg in 1963 to 1967 to do extensive
+design work on the electronic control and computer systems for the Apollo man-to-the moon
+project. Westinghouse and BART had earlier claimed that their engineers had worked on the
+Apollo project to support their claims to the state senate committee that they were “the world’s
+experts on advanced automated control systems of this nature and that no one else was qualified
+to evaluate the BART train control design.” Press stories verified that the Westinghouse
+engineers who were later assigned to the BART project had actually worked several levels below
+Wattenburg’s design responsibility in NASA. (Evidently, Legislative Analyst A. Alan Post had
+known this when he first contacted Wattenburg for help.)</p>
+
+<p>When one irritated reporter asked Wattenburg why he had not told the press for months
+about his NASA experience, he answered: “You should have asked me. I noticed that you print
+every handout that the BART bullshitters give you, so why should I bother to tell you the truth.”
+This newspaper later ran an editorial which indirectly apologized to Wattenburg for some of the
+snide stories about him that their reporter had filed after he first challenged BART before the
+state senate committee.</p>
+
+<p>After the dramatic sequence of events described above, the PUC refused permission for
+BART to operate their trains at designed speeds until all of Wattenburg’s technical objections
+were investigated. More state senate hearings were called. Wattenburg appeared at the next
+hearing with alarming data from some more experiments that he had done on his own. BART and
+Westinghouse again protested that he had interfered without their permission. Wattenburg
+described how he had given his engineering students who ride BART some simple instruments
+that measured BART train control signals without interfering with the operation in any way.
+Then he described several more design changes that should be made to the train control
+electronics to make the system safer.</p>
+
+<p>At this dramatic hearing, he gave his new design documents to the state senate committee
+and the Legislative Analyst and asked them to hand these documents to the irate BART General
+Manager, Billy Stokes, who was sitting in the hearing room with a group of Westinghouse
+executives. One story reported that Wattenburg turned to Billy Stokes and announced: “Here’s a
+present for you. Be my guest. That’ll fix the hundred million dollar screw job you guys have
+given the taxpayers.”</p>
+
+<p>The public standoff escalated when the BART District Directors were told by their
+General Manager that Wattenburg was part of a political conspiracy to discredit the District and
+this was the only reason he was trying to embarrass the BART and Westinghouse engineers. This
+made headlines. Wattenburg appeared at the next public BART board meeting and requested to
+speak as a taxpayer. One group of concerned BART directors demanded that he be allowed to
+speak at all meetings as a public representative and rebut anything he felt was not accurate in what
+the general manager and the BART engineers were telling the directors.</p>
+
+<p>The state officials could not direct BART to take any specific action to correct the
+alleged problems, but through the California PUC they could and did withhold permission for
+BART to operate their trains at full speed until the safety problems were resolved. A majority of
+the BART directors refused to allow Wattenburg to test his ideas or order Westinghouse to make
+the simple changes that Wattenburg had specified. The argument was that this would violate the
+warranties in the Westinghouse contract and open up BART to lawsuits from both Westinghouse
+and the taxpayers. Almost weekly front-page stories in the San Francisco Chronicle and other Bay
+Area papers detail how BART was forced to operate their new trains under severe restrictions
+that guaranteed that trains could not collide if the train control system malfunctioned.</p>
+
+<p>More serious problems and near accidents did occur over the next six months. These were
+witnessed by PUC inspectors stationed in BART central control. Some of these were on the list
+that Wattenburg had originally given to the state senate committee and A. Alan Post. Wattenburg
+appeared at every BART board meeting and battled with the BART and Westinghouse engineers.
+Wattenburg challenged the credentials of three successive chief engineers at BART. All of them
+left or were fired. These confrontations became the media event of the week for the press as the
+controversy raged.</p>
+
+<p>The matter finally came to a head when BART ran out of money and had to appeal to the
+state for financial assistance to operate the system. The State Senate Transportation
+Committee
+headed by Senator Alfred Alquist demanded that Billy Stokes be fired as a condition for approval
+of any state funds. Wattenburg was in attendance. A story reports that he stood up and
+announced to Mr. Stokes: “I told you that the truth would catch up with you, you lying bastard.”
+(Wattenburg had earlier called Stokes a liar at several public BART meetings when Stokes and his
+chief engineers gave engineering reports to the board members that Wattenburg proved were false
+or incomplete. Stokes had been forced to apologize for these
+“oversights”. The chief engineers were replaced shortly thereafter.)</p>
+
+<p>The state legislature finally passed a law that required elected board members for BART
+as a condition for state financial assistance. All the Billy Stokes supporters on the BART board
+were replaced in the election. Wattenburg refused requests that he run for the board or agree to be
+the new general manager (two papers editorialized that he should serve). The new board
+immediately ordered BART engineers to incorporate Wattenburg’s design changes into the train
+control system. Wattenburg recommended that BART hire the University of California Lawrence
+Berkeley Laboratory to supervise the design modifications. BART hired Hewlett-Packard
+Corporation to build and install the equipment.</p>
+
+<p>Wattenburg issued a press release in which he stated that he had done all he could and that
+he wanted nothing more to do with BART other than ride the trains when they could “safely
+move faster than he could walk.”</p>
+
+<p>Hewlett-Packard and Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory were paid over two million dollars
+for their work over the next two years which consisted mostly of installing improved versions of
+the train control design changes that Wattenburg had originally specified. There were press
+reports that Hewlett Packard engineers later insisted that all the new design changes were their
+own ideas and that this created some friction between them and Lawrence Berkeley scientists who
+claimed otherwise. Wattenburg refused to get into the argument or comment to the press. His
+only comment was that he “never wanted to hear about BART again.”</p>
+
+<p>The new BART board filed suit against Westinghouse after the design changes proved to
+solve the missing train problem and other safety problems. The PUC allowed them to run trains at
+design speeds for the first time in five years. Wattenburg agreed to testify for BART if requested.
+Westinghouse settled the suit for a reported sixteen million dollars.</p>
+
+<p>When the press inquired whether Wattenburg had received any payment for his services
+over two years, he gave them the following statement: “Hell, if I had even asked for a free ride on
+their silly trains somebody would have claimed that I did it just to get a handout. The taxpayers of
+the State of California gave me a great education. All I want is for them to know that I paid them
+back in full.”</p>
+
+<p>Some BART directors suggested offering Wattenburg $50,000 for his services after his
+solution to the BART train control problem was adopted. He declined, saying that he might have
+to criticize them again in the future if they didn’t do their job.</p>
+
+<p>The Department of Transportation internal report points out that another real beneficiary of
+Wattenburg’s efforts is the Washington D.C. Metro system. All of Wattenburg’s design
+improvements were incorporated into the Metro system before it was opened. As a consequence,
+the Metro did not suffer the long delays and safety problems that BART suffered. The author of
+this report notes the curious fact that Westinghouse had to have been making some of these
+changes in the Metro equipment they delivered to Washington even while they were still insisting
+that Wattenburg’s changes were not necessary in the BART system. Otherwise, there would have
+been long delays in starting operation in Washington. The writer suggests that DOT might
+consider some sort of recognition to Wattenburg for his contribution to the mass transit industry
+in the U.S.</p>
+
+<p>It is not surprising that such recognition never came. We talked to a long-time BART
+employee who was on the scene at the time all this happened. He said that the new general
+manager selected for BART was none other than the former Secretary of Transportation who had
+given some support to Billy Stokes during his battles with Wattenburg, and that Billy Stokes
+himself moved upstairs as the new Director of the Urban Mass Transit Association
+(UMTA) representing such companies as Westinghouse. The UMTA and DOT officials work very closely
+together.</p>
+
+<p>During our visits to this KGO radio show in October 1990, several callers to his show
+wanted to talk about the most recent problems with the BART system. He absolutely refused to
+discuss the subject on his show. He said to one caller, “I’ll tell you what though, why don’t you
+ask me about my first wife?”</p>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="DrBillBio.css" />
+<title>Bill Wattenburg’s Background: Downhole Drillbit</title>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+<h1>Downhole Drillbit</h1>
+
+<h2>(1990’s)</h2>
+
+<p>We were told by some Livermore engineers in November 1992 that Bill Wattenburg has
+been working on a device for drilling oil wells that could save enormous amounts of money and
+improve the safety of drilling if he is successful. Neither he nor they would tell us what it was.
+They would only tell us that everyone else has failed for fifty years to achieve this “driller’s
+dream”. They said that some company with a lot of money bet Wattenburg that it couldn’t be
+done. They said that his first experiment failed. Because of that alone, they figured he would
+have it solved before long. <q>That’s how he gets warmed up.</q></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>[Note: Bill did succeed in this task, and has since received two patents
+on the resulting invention—PKS]</i></p>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Document//EN"
+  "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" />
+<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="DrBillBio.css" />
+<title>Bill Wattenburg’s Background: Blue Water Contamination</title>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+<h1>Blue Water (Copper) Contamination in Homes</h1>
+
+<h2>(1991)</h2>
+
+<p>This is the latest of Wattenburg’s bizarre escapades reported in press stories all over the
+country. We contacted many of the people who were on the scene to get interesting parts of
+this story that were not covered by the press.</p>
+
+<p>Hundreds of expensive new homes in the affluent area of Danville, California, had suffered
+serious copper contamination (blue water) for several years. Lawsuits were filed in all directions
+because homeowners had to use bottled water, children in schools had become sick, and home
+values were dropping. Neither the water company (EBMUD) nor the home builders would take
+responsibility. Both had spent over $5,000,000 on water corrosion experts and lawyers who were
+investigating the problem.</p>
+
+<p>A professor of civil engineering who was on the project at times has told us that he could
+show us hundreds of technical reports on blue water from around the world in the last fifty years
+where corrosion experts have been unable to completely explain the cause of “blue water”. He
+told us: “In many cases the problem just mysteriously goes away for reasons that ‘corrosion
+experts’ cannot adequately explain, although most take credit for doing something the solved their
+local problem. However, each one claims he found a different solution that does not seem to
+work everywhere else.”</p>
+
+<p>We called Wattenburg to tell us why and how he solved the problem in Danville. He
+cautioned us immediately that he did not completely solve the problem, in spite of what the
+newspaper and technical journals reported. He said: “It is one thing to isolate a problem and then
+make it go away. I do that with obnoxious people all the time. But it is another thing to explain
+why they came around in the first place.” (This may have been a message to us, but he softened
+up after that.)</p>
+
+<br />
+<p><b>Here is his story:</b></p>
+<br />
+
+<p>He said he got involved when some Danville home owners called him on his KGO radio
+show in May 1991. They pleaded with him to help them because they were losing their life
+savings in the value of their homes. They described the blue water problem to him on the air.
+They told him that there was conclusive proof that the contamination was copper hydroxide.
+They told him that the only copper pipes were the water pipes in their homes. He says he “shot
+his mouth off and told them that good scientists should have no problem finding the problem very
+quickly if they did the proper experiments.”</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>“They asked me how much I thought it should cost. I stupidly said that it shouldn’t cost
+more than a few thousand dollars for a good scientist to make the right measurements. I told
+them to call the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory which is right near them. The next day,
+I got a call from the Livermore Lab saying they were getting calls from people pleading with them
+to help, and the newspapers were asking them why the laboratory didn’t help solve this serious
+problem. Livermore said they couldn’t get involved because there was litigation going on and the
+water company was a public agency that had not requested their services. I got the picture, but I
+was stuck. I went out there the next day to take a look.”</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>A civil engineering professor who was working on the problem as a consultant to the
+homebuilders told us the story we summarize below:</p>
+
+<p>He says that Wattenburg quickly made a startling discovery right in the faces of the water
+corrosion experts who had been working on the problem for a year. They had been studying
+only the corrosion characteristics of the water in the house pipes. They had expensive water
+chemistry testing laboratories set up in the garages of two blue water homes supplied by the
+builders. Wattenburg walked out of one of these laboratories while they were still telling him
+about all their experiments. He got some things out of his car. Then he stuck some small copper
+rods into the ground at various points around the house and measured the voltages between these
+points with a little voltmeter that he carried in his pocket. They thought he was a little strange.</p>
+
+<p>He found electrical voltages of about half a volt in the ground all around the homes and
+between the ground and the water pipes in the homes. “He did this within about twenty minutes
+after he arrived. The gadgets he had in the trunk of his car looked like an electronics laboratory.
+He then told us to go to the hardware store and buy all the small copper wire we could find, I
+remember the driver asking him how much? He calmly said: ‘Oh, about a mile of it, if you can.’ It
+was rather amazing what we did all the rest of that day.”</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>“Wattenburg made some more measurements around and inside several more blue water
+houses. Then he told all the corrosion consultants who were gathered around that the problem
+probably wasn’t in the houses or in their copper water pipes. The real cause was most
+likely coming from the power lines or EBMUD water mains somehow. At that point, most of them
+walked away shaking their heads. Wattenburg told me that he was surprised that these guys were
+corrosion experts. He said that the corrosion was most likely happening because there was
+electrochemistry going on in the copper pipes. He said that they obviously hadn’t worried about
+what was producing the ‘electro’ part of the electrochemistry they thought they were studying.
+It made sense to me after I thought about it a while. …</p>
+
+<p>“I remember one of them asking him what degrees or credentials he had as a corrosion
+engineer. I’ll never forget what Wattenburg said to the guy. He asked the guy how long he had
+been working on this problem. This very huffy guy said he had been working on the project for a
+year. Wattenburg told him: ‘Where I went to school. we don’t give degrees to engineers who
+can’t solve a problem in a year.’</p>
+
+<p>“Fortunately, I knew who Wattenburg was. I remembered what he had done to a lot of
+big-time engineers on the BART project many years earlier. I found it best to just help him and
+see what would happen. …</p>
+
+<p>“The water company, EBMUD, claimed that Wattenburg’s theory was nonsense. The
+water mains leading into the houses were plastic lines. They said these lines couldn’t possibly
+feed electrical current into the house water pipes. Wattenburg asked them to explain the electrical
+voltages he found in the ground and between the houses. They pointed the finger at the power
+company, PG&amp;E. I remember Wattenburg smiling as he told us: ‘Well, that will get PG&amp;E out
+here to help us in a hurry, won’t it?’</p>
+
+<p>“The next thing he did was cut all the electrical power off from the test houses and measure
+the voltages again. The voltages in the ground and on the house water pipes were still there. I
+saw him go down the street opening manholes to the water mains all over the place while
+suspicious EBMUD employees got on their mobile phones and called their office.</p>
+
+<p>“Over the next few weeks, Wattenburg used his long copper wires to measure voltages
+along the large steel water mains which were buried deep underground. The water company had
+told him that there was no way they would dig up the lines at various points so he could measure
+them. So, he figured out a very clever way that no one had thought about before. The water
+mains were protected by devices called sacrificial anodes which are connected to the lines below
+ground. But electrical wires attached to these devices are brought up to the ground at various
+places along the lines, about every half mile. This is why he wanted the mile of copper wire. We
+stretched the copper wire between the anode stations and he measured the voltage from one to
+the next. In this way, he mapped the voltages on the steel water mains all the way to the water
+storage tanks where the lines began up on the hills.”</p>